Category: Attraction/Aphrodisiacs

Oprah and John Tesh, an unlikely couple. Find out why with the science of attraction

www.sexwithsue.com

Oprah1  John tesh
Would you do this guy? 
According to the release of an Oprah biography yesterday, the Queen of Talk, and the King of Schmaltz were an item. Think about it, Oprah and John Tesh up close and rubbing their squishy parts together… I wonder if it lasted longer than the 90 second "intelligence for your life" sound bites that Tesh seems to produce as part of his daily life?  Today's tabloids says she's joined the other team with longtime friend Gayle. There is life after Steadman, and I'm all for Oprah sharing her new experiences.

As my friend Earl McCrae always said "As long as they spell you name right Sue, there is no such thing as bad press"…

Anyway, it got me thinking about other unlikely couples and the science of attraction. Belinda Stronach and Tie Domi? Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed? Woody Allen and Soon Yi?

Since I am always interested in the science of attraction, I had a look at the updated Darwinish book about mate selection.

“Choosing a mate is one of the most important decisions made in one’s lifetime and one of Darwin’s core components of sexual selection,” said David Geary, author and Curators’ professor in the Department of Psychological Sciences in the MU College of Arts and Science.  “Sex and reproduction complicate our lives in many ways, the most fundamental of which involve the demands of finding a mate. These choices are important because they echo through subsequent generations. The social dynamics that emerge as a result of sexual reproduction usually involve competition with members of the same sex for access to mates or control of the resources that will attract mates.”

In his book, Geary documents how sex differences found in humans and many other species can be explained by Darwin’s sexual selection. One of these sex differences is the level of parental involvement by males. Male parenting is found in less than 5 percent of mammal species. Because the males in many species do not provide any parental investment, females in many species do not compete for mates. In humans, however, men have a significant role in parenting, compelling women to compete for mates.

“The more men have to offer, the more valuable they become to women as a reproductive resource,” Geary said. “For this reason, men in all cultures are highly motivated to attain social status and control of culturally significant resources. The resources can vary from land to herds of cattle to large paychecks. Male-male competition is about making themselves attractive to women but the competition also can lead men to compete in lethal ways to gain control of social resources.”

Female competition may include how they dress or adorn themselves in ways that enhance their traits that men find attractive. Women may degrade these same traits in potential competitors and manipulate social information and relationships to drive competitors away from potential romantic partners. Male-male competition may explain factors, such as greater male mortality, risk-taking and rough-and-tumble play. Female-female competition may account for greater female emotional sensitivity and greater language proficiency, Geary said.

I don't know if this explains the phenomenon but maybe it explains how Keith Richards stays sexual.

Why Brent Butt may be the quintessential Canadian male. What women want from men.

www.sexwithsue.com, www.cornergas.com

BrentWhy Brent Butt may be the quintessential Canadian man

I’m coming late to the Brent Butt fan club. Although Corner Gas was the most successful Canadian show ever made, I was too busy to watch it when it aired in prime time. I only began to appreciate its subtle humour and appealing characters through weekend marathons on The Comedy Network, and the magic of a PVC recorder. I started looking at the leading guy, Brent Butt the 40ish, receding haired comic as an example of why Canadian men can be so sexy. And so clueless.

As a relationship therapist, I spend a good chunk of my days interpreting what I call “hooking up behaviours”. These are the insights and stabs in the dark about what we find appealing about our partners, potential partners and the opposite sex in general. “What do women want?” is a common question in my office. No question that much of why men do things is still as Greek to me as it is most women. However, I do think that what women are looking for is a guy like Brent Butt (or his character Brent Leroy). Not bad boys, or sports Gods, but relaxed, guy next door with charm. I think Canadian men are as a rule low key, fun, and sexy in an understated way. And women like this.  In an interview of Brent Butt I found online he names his appeal as “his coffee shop savvy”.  Think of it as a Timmy’s kind of charm. Down home, addictive, and slightly comforting. So how do you become more like Brent Butt (at least if it works to attract women)?

I call them the SHHHS characteristics of what women are looking for in a partner. The top five qualities that Brent and guys who get it have. These are sane Canadian boys. You know, the guys your mother likes, think that the Canadian National anthem should be changed to the Hockey Night in Canada theme. They  know the etiquette at curling bonspiels, and understand the offside rule in football. And they are:

S- safe. You need to discuss how you are liked by kids and puppies, that you buy girl guide cookies and are in no way, a serial axe murderer.

H- hygiene. You MUST be clean and smell nice. Men’s sexual sense is visual (hence all of the black and red lingerie), but women is all about how you smell. Spotlessly clean and subtle cologne works for most women.

H- Humour. Every survey on what women find attractive always lists sense of humour. Make us laugh, and we are putty in your hands.

H- Humilty. This is about being self deprecating and humble. Don’t talk about the size of your boat, mention how you have two left feet and are lousy at volleyball. The ability to poke fun of yourself is one of most men’s endearing qualities.

S- Story – This characteristic is the ability to carry on a conversation, and more importantly, talk in “girl speak”. Women like stories. We like to hear about your favourite ice cream flavour, how you had a pet dog named after Marvin the Martian, and how you embarrassed yourself at karaoke. In his bio, Brent Butt calls “Coffee shop conversation was a great way to learn comedy and connects. It’s relaxed and conversational and the jokes build naturally without forcing them.”

Brent1So this Valentine’s Day, don’t force the issue. Maybe take a second look at the men in the coffee shop “where there’s not a lot going on” is the way to find that guy who can make you laugh so hard you snort your double double out of your nose.

 

How getting more sex is as close as 24 hours and some of these great hook up sites.

Computer
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Like most people I know, I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on my computer. Lately it's been looking up interesting "hook up websites" so I can be in the know with my patients.  Nothing worse than being the expert who isn't hip to the next, new thing. As Andrew Tress says in his new book Decoding Love, "The way we find love now is crazy" Imagine how insane our current system to find love would look to an anthropologist from Mars. We lavish vast amounts of time, effort and money on the search. But, despite our best efforts, almost half of us will end up divorcing that same person we worked so hard to find. And then we will begin the search all over again. We are, mad for love".

For men I see as patients there never seems to be a break from the searching. After millions of years of evolution, and "a biological need to seek the next new woman", men I speak to are lamenting the need for mistresses. married or not, they all want more on the side. Some just want variety, some want to play sexually, some aren't getting enough sex, but there is always interest in finding out new and proven ways to meet sex partners.  Maybe i'm just getting the guys with too much testosterone, but I don't think so. Men really want to please but so many of them are dogs.

As for finding a partner, you can try the bars if you are a young guy. My own opinion is that women over the age of 25 who hang out in bars regularly likely have a drinking problem. Nice girls, horny girls, and approachable women, are at the gym, in coffee shops, taking wine pairing classes, and are online.

And new research by two Iowa State University sociologists has found that older adults who are turning to their computers to find love — largely because of the time constraints in their busy lives — are making their desired love connections.

"In many cases, there are some real structural forces that encourage the support and use of these technologies," said Cast. "And one of them is just structural constraints on people's time — such as people who have kids, or have full-time jobs, or work long or extensive hours.  "But the people who are doing the actual searching may look at it as a way to be incredibly serious about the process. And one of the things we found was that, indeed, their courtship periods are shorter."

That means women are busy, and this study shows that the time it takes to score is remarkably shorter online. Maybe not shorter than the closing time "will you sleep with me?" pitch. But you are far less likely to get your face slapped online.

So what are the best sites?

Certainly www.ashleymadison.com, www.adultfriendfinder.com, and www.lavalife.com  are popular. The free sites, (that I call the Giant Tiger or Kmart dating areas) like www.okcupid.com, or www.plentyoffish.com are popular. However you have to wade through a bunch of "fish with issues" before finding the right occasional partner. But they might be great for a "let's get it on" encounter. Finally, www.yahoopersonals.com, www.craigslist.com, and www.kijiji.com are worth checking out. Sure you can also buy a couch, get a ride to a different town, and sell your canoe, but there also may be someone there who is willing to change your oil. It's worth a try.

Why you need to write a snappy ad these days in order to get laid

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Dating ad 
 Mistress wanted. At least that seems to be what my patients are looking for. It's amazing how much time, energy, money and creativity goes into finding someone to get naked and jiggy with. I have a friend who ran one of the largest "alternative" dating sites in the world (www.ashleymadison.com) and he claimed that years of watching guys look for part-time lovers confirmed his opinion that "no man has ever run faster, nor jumped higher than one in quest of an orgasm".  I haven't heard of anything (beyond nice guys fighting with baser instincts) to set me off that assumption. But I don't believe at all that one size fits all.

I have a new theory about the female side to this equation. I have been writing about how women are looking for love (I wrote a "love ad for a 49 year old patient a few weeks ago, and he says he has had over 200 responses). Ask me about my system. I'm making serious headway into a tried and true way for single guys to meet a potential life partner. Unfortunately, for all the men out there looking for some simple action, am making no inroads into how to attract a casual playmate.

That women are horniest at ovulation and just before their periods is a common fact. I think women who give you signals of interest may only do so once a month. Just when you think you understand them…..

More on this, but I have to run and find the article in question. I promise to finisish the thought this week.

Thoughts on being (or becoming) a Cougar

Cougar  not Cougar1

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This article about cougars was sent to me this week with reprinted permission. I thought it hit the nail on the head when describing the lure of older women. I am helping a number of newly divorced patients go out into the dating field of late, and they all describe as being hit on excessively from men young enough to be their sons. I was asked for the rules about what is appropriate behaviour in dating these “hunky, younger men” and although there is no Miss Manners book of etiquette on the situation, I thought the below article was well done.

 

What it means to be a Cougar: That a cougar must be over a certain age. That she only dates younger men. That she observes the Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule. While each of these “rules” has its place in helping define what a cougar is, each of them is either too broad or too narrow. And that’s because being a cougar is ultimately about attitude. It’s about the way she carries herself and owns her sexuality.

While each cougar is unique (that’s what makes them great!), in our experience, there are a few common characteristics that help us understand the cougar woman.

She’s in Control
First and foremost, the cougar woman is in total control – of her life, her sexuality and her identity. She’s her own woman, independent, strong and sexy, confident in her self and unconcerned by what is expected of her by society. It’s that fearless attitude that makes a cougar.

As Ilana Eberson, CEO of Real Live People Party, remarks in the video from SheZoom.com (below), “Everyone wants to equate the predatory nature of the cougar animal with the cougar woman, and she doesn’t have to be predatory. She can be nice. She can be, you know, a vixen. She can be sassy. She can be, you know, virginal. She can be whatever she wants to be.”

That gets to the heart of what it means to be a cougar woman. She’s found her path and proudly (and unapologetically) follows it. Because it often takes time for women (and men, also) to “discover” themselves, cougars are typically more mature women in their latter thirties and beyond.

She’s Independent
A cougar is not just independent-minded, she’s personally independent as well. She is likely a career women who has reached a comfortable level of financial freedom. She’s worked hard and fought for her success. She’s found that while men her age and older are often intimidated by her ambition and success, young men are drawn to it and hopeful to learn from it.

Her independence extends to relationships where she has no time for petty drama. She’s comfortable letting a relationship develop naturally rather than trying to force it. She knows a relationship takes work but also understands that one can’t be made into something it isn’t.

She’s Experienced
Let’s face it: the cougar is experienced. She’s more sophisticated and worldly than her younger counterparts. She’s worked hard, played hard and really lived. Her experience has resulted in one simple truth: she knows what she wants.

Her experience is particularly profound in the bedroom. To a young man shes a living, breathing Kama Sutra, versed in the ways of pleasure. To be with her is an orientation into an unexplored world of contortionist positions, hidden erogenous zones, and foreign animal noises. She knows what she likes, how she likes it done and where, and instructs her cub on how best to give it. A night with her and he will uncover the secrets of making a woman beg for more. All men want those secrets and they know no amount of fumbling about with inexperienced girls will ever provide them.

She’s Undeniably Sexy
There’s just something about a cougar. Whether she’s the type that rocks a business suit or tight top and jeans, she just exudes sexual power. It’s not something you can quantify or categorize. You can only feel it.

A cougar knows that age is increasingly irrelevant. 40 is the new 30. 50, the new 40. Healthier lifestyles, a greater commitment to fitness and an emphasis on style, have all contributed to something young men have picked up on. Older women are smokin. The popularity of yoga, pilates, unique diets and other health and fitness fads have cougars looking hotter and more attractive longer. In fact, the older she gets, the more delicious she becomes. Her toned body and smooth skin coalesce with an earned stately grace to create a sort of sexual super woman.

She Likes the Attention
A cougar is quick to admit that when a young man expresses interest in her it makes her feel great, whether she’s into the guy or not. And why not? It validates all of the hard work she’s put in to looking hot and staying young. It proves that she’s still got it.

She also revels in the fact that other women are often jealous of her, particularly younger women. The cattiness of the young woman is just further validation that she, the cougar, is what men want. They want a piece of her sass, her experience

She’s Down with the Program
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, a cougar is proud to be a cougar. She wears the label as a badge of honor. She recognizes that it is tongue-in-cheek, but also finds it empowering. It’s both fun and sexy. And maybe she even likes the feistyness it suggests.

To her, “cougar” says, “I’m hot and I’m tired of men having all the fun.” She realizes that few people have been more neglected by society than the mature, sophisticated woman. Society expects her to dress conservatively, drive a station wagon and cart her kids to soccer practice. She’s watched Hollywood basically cast women like her aside, giving them nothing to play but ignored housewives, teachers with about as much to say as Charlie Browns, and useless mothers to obnoxious, ridiculously erudite kids. Its bullshit and she knows it. Its also bullshit that her male peers continue to be perceived as more respectable, more refined and more attractive the older they get, even when theyve got some blonde bimbo with big fake tits on their arms.These women are taking back their sexuality. And theyre doing it under the moniker of cougar. God bless them.

Aphrodisiacal properties of rhubarb and strawberries

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Strawberries  Does eating rhubarb turn you on?  Well it certainly does to me. There is a study from the University of Nebraska (those northern college girls might know something about baking pies….), suggests that spring fruits and veggies (asparagus, avacado and the like) are what give us that magical spring urge to rut like rabbits.

Strawberries

Since as early as 200BC Folklore, art and poetry have infused strawberries as a sign of love and given them meanings such as "you intoxicate me with delight" and "you are delicious."
Strawberries gained their reputation as an aphrodisiac due to their large number of tiny seeds symbolizing fertility. In art and literature, the strawberry was usually portrayed as a symbol of sensuality and earthly desire and has been described as fruit nipples.
Strawberries contain more vitamin C than any other berry. They also contain a good amount of potassium, folic acid and some iron and fibre.
So strawberries can aid in boosting an otherwise lacklustre libido by providing essential vitamins and minerals needed to supply energy and keep the fires burning.

Rhubarb The impulse


Being a general depurative agent as well as a general tonic, the rhubarb sets the blood into motion and in this way galvanizes the whole activity of the organism. So, the rhubarb proves itself to be a general tonic and a very healthy aphrodisiac, especially that the rhubarb juice can be combined with other natural aphrodisiacs like the pomegranate juice, honey, minced garlic, celery juice. These combinations can be done on the spot according to taste and inspiration, the consequences in the physical and spiritual plan being among the best. Next to ginseng, cinnamon and vanilla, the rhubarb is a part of the recipe of the 4 aphrodisiacs famous in Western Europe.

The science of this is pretty compelling, so if you aren't getting quite enough action of late, you might try making a crisp (loaded with Cinnamon the smell that triggers an increase in testosterone). I'll be interested in finding out (send me a note at sue@sexwithsue.com) and discovering if it works for you.

Cool Aphrodisiacs you probably never heard of.

Oyster


 Like most people who have had the same email address for years, I’m still getting loads of sex spam in my inbox. I keep waiting for some cool new sex news to pop in, but the descriptions of “magic” pills that increase penis size, solve premature ejaculation, and generally have you leaping buildings in a single bound. Most of them are absolutely fake, (there isn’t a pill for penis size or PE solutions, sorry check out www.solveprematureejaculation.netfor some real solutions) and there are only a few Internet supplements like the testosterone based herbs that can aid in erections or cause you to get a little interested. As I continue my work on women’s sex drive, as the libido coach I keep looking for new and viable things that actually put you in the mood.


Here is my list of things I think actually can increase testosterone levels, and aren’t


Basil (sweet): The scent of basil was said to drive men wild. Women have been known to sprinkle dry crushed basil on their breasts to keep their husbands’ eyes from wandering.

Coconut:Gerry the postman says it’s the smell of coconuts that drive him wild. I just know that the coconut ice cream I had in Mexico, (and now new coconut yogurt I’m buying) makes me very wiggly.

Durian:Despite its foul-smell, this thorny fruit is considered an aphrodisiac in Southeast Asia. There’s a saying in Indonesia: “When the durian fruit comes down, the skirts come up!”

Ginger: Ginger root has been considered an aphrodisiac for centuries because of its scent and its ability to stimulate the circulatory system.  I think it’s the ginger and cinnamon together that makes it most powerful. The researchers i quoted last month from the University of Southern California claim that the baking pumpkin pie increases testosterone faster than anything.

Licorice (black): In ancient China, the distinct aroma of black licorice was considered a powerful stimulant, with powers to enhance love and lust.

Pine Nuts: Pine nuts are also high in zinc and have been used for centuries to make up love potions that stimulate the libido.


Dark chocolate and red wine – are the best panty removers around, but if you’ve been following my site www.sexwithsue.comfor awhile you are already the uber lover that knows that. More on this coming up as the U of Edinburgh publishes thier sex research this week.



 

What’s your motivation to have sex?

Cuddle I had a bunch of tiny, low sex driven female patients again this week. Something about those size two women who can’t seem to get motivated to have sex, despite great relationships, and hunky husbands. Besides the obvious physical problems, they just can’t think of a reason to do it. They reach orgasm, but besides the few minutes leading up to their climax, they weren’t that excited about the whole processof making love. It struck me that maybe we sex therapists weren’t asking the right questions. Maybe we should ask what are the reasons people want to have sex? 

It turns out that I’m not the first person the think of this. A psychologist at the University of Texas asked a group of undergrads "why they have sex", and was treated to 237 different reasons.  Nothing as interesting as JFK’s comment that "it made his back feel better", or Joan Crawford and " how sex improved her complexion". But there were a few cool ones like; "I wanted to feel closer to God” to “I was drunk.” They even found a few scary women who claimed to have been motivated by the desire to have a child. Run freshman run.

The researchers, Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss, believe their list, published in the August issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior, is the most thorough list of sexual motivation ever compiled. Another fun job thinking of new things about sex to ask unsuspecting students. A few of my other favorites on the list were "that someone dared me", or that "I was bored", has me thinking that maybe the sex isn’t that good out there. There was no comments about earth-moving, toe curling orgasms, which is usually my primary motivation for horizontal dancing.  I invite you to think about yours. Cuddle2 

 

The aphrodisiac qualities of girl guide cookies

Girl_guide I was in the school yard yesterday after school watching my six year old daughter unload a crate of girl guide cookies to the mothers standing around. She’s a "Spark" (not even old enough to be a brownie), but she’s fearless, and has no problem peddling her wares. One of the Mothers (who purchased five boxes) remarked that she was now guaranteed sex over the next few weeks. Her husband as it turns out, finds comfort foods a huge turn on, and girl guide cookies (which hey have been selling since 1927) is in the top five.  He apparently turns into a sex fiend after he eats them, which is why he can’t bring them to work. You should have seen her smile as she was digging out all the money she had to purchase these magic cookies.

Foods, like chocolate chip cookies, bread, or apple pie baking — fill our minds with visions of favorite foods as they tantalize our taste buds with anticipation. Scents can also bring back memories or feelings from pleasurable past experiences associated with that food.Research being done by Dr. Alan Hirsch at the Smell and Taste Treatment and taste Research foundation in Chicago shows that the aromas and flavors that have been shown to increase a love response is both vanilla and chocolate. Duh!

Girlguide I also wondered if it has anything to do with adolescent male fantasies about the girl guides they knew in their youth. I always ask patients about the best sex of their lives when I am doing a sexual history, and had one patient who claimed that sex with an old girlfriend dressed in the tight, guide uniform that her mother had saved, was the hottest and most memorable of his life.  Something to think about next Halloween, when you are looking for a costume that gets you some attention.

Why bossy, dominate women get the boys

Dominate Like most women, I have numerous men in my life. My partner, ex-partner,  realtor, accountant, lawyer, brother, father and nine-year old son to name a few. I have been known once or twice to complain about the energy it takes to manage all of them, and stay connected. My girlfriends understand that if we don’t connect, there is no harm or foul as we are overrun with work, kids, and laundry. Men are in need of far more attention and stimulation than that. Don’t get me wrong, positive male attention is in the top three things that women crave (behind a live in maid, and hot bath with a box of Godiva chocolate (maybe just my fantasy).

And if a year goes by, we all know it’s nothing personal. As I get older (aging gracefully, I hope) I’m noting that the secret to handling the men in my life is to be far more direct, and bossy than as women, we are taught to behave.  I read the Elle magazine survey women bosses were as effective and liked as male bosses when it came to management and productivity, but the "catty" and "tyrant" labels linger. It turns out, that the cattier and more tyrannical the women employers were, the better the men liked it, The women employee hated it, but that’s not proving my point. Smile. The truth that I’m realizing is that the bossier, and more directorial I am, the better most of the men I know like it. I think men really need to be needed, get mildly turned on by being bossed around by a woman, and how they seem to quiet down given directions (even if you are faking being bossy, it seems to work). The old adage that "men fall in love with bitches", may or may not be true, but the sex therapist in me thinks that men find the bitches much sexier. Just a thought….

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