Category: Blog

School of Sex! Let’s talk about anal sex done with grace, and laugh-out-loud fun

Sunday, April 2, 2017
2:00 PM to 4:30 PM
The Rosemount Orange Hall
41 Rosemount Ave, Hintonburg, Ottawa, ON

Our next School of Sex is coming up April 2nd and we want to talk about your behind. Our your partner’s. Or girl’s with strap-on’s. Or prostate stimulation. Or how, why, when, and all the details about oh-so-carefully putting things in your bum.
Delivered by Sue (along with a guest lecturer) if you have interested, scared, unsure, confused, turned-on or the like by anal sex then come out for this month’s latest School of Sex series lecture. This is NOT your parents (or your kid’s) sex ed class.

If you want to de-mystify and learn what’s new with your anus, rectum and other stuff “back there” this is the place. It promises to be an interesting workshop. We will have the usual snacks and a chance to really understand how to include new kinds of stimulation – safely. And like all Duckling events it is fun, social, warm, and inclusive.
Educational, fun and with the essential life experience for anyone who has an ass.

$30 including refreshments. This is an open event so everyone is welcome. Bring a friend and find out all about the Ducklings and our School of Sex series. Click here to find out more and sign up!

You can pay at the door but there are maximums that the room holds so purchasing in advance is strongly encouraged. This is a 2-3 duck event. Educational but sassy.

Re -Ignite You! Re-build your relationship with Money, Sex and Self.

success

What are you waiting for? Save the date to Re-ignite You! This event will help you reflect, renew and regenerate your life.
When: November 5, 2016, 9:00 – 4:00 pm
Where: Ottawa Convention and Events Centre, 200 Coventry Road, Ottawa
$99 inclusive

Join Sandi Sharkey at this event which features four leading Ottawa business women who’ve lived through it all.They will share their expertise and experiences through engaging and interactive sessions that will help you to reach deep within yourself to re-build your confidence, vitality and relationships.

Hear the top Experts;
Judith Cain, National Money Coach, Sue McGarvie, Clinical Sex, Libido and Relationship Therapist, Diane Valiquette, Rebuilding after Separation and Divorce, and Pierrette Raymond, Organization and Life Makeover Specialist. It will be a fabulous day! This is the one day workshop that will get you unstuck!

Relationships and you

Do you know why you do the things you do? Do you know what your patterns
are in relationships, why they exist and how to change the ones that are just not working? It all starts with you! With Diane’s help you will learn why you do the things you do in relationships, why you pick the partners you do,
and how to empower yourself to create the best relationships possible.

Diane Valiquette, Founder and CEO of the Separation and Divorce Resource Centre, has been offering relationship advice for more than a decade. Her no-nonsense approach has made her a sought-after expert in the field of
rebuilding relationships and divorce. The Separation and Divorce Resource Centre, founded in 2004, is the first in
Canada to offer interdisciplinary family-based services to individuals going through the separation and divorce
process. What is unique about the Centre is that it is a one-stop-shop for helping people who are going through
this painful experience in life. It is the only place in Canada that offers every element of the breakdown process,
from family meditation and legal services to financial planning, child and youth services and relationship
rebuilding.

Empower your sex life!
Good sex is part of a healthy and abundant life and is an important part of the human condition. Food tastes
better, the sun shines brighter and great sex is the glue that sticks relationships together. Find out how to increase your libido, ignite the passion, and discover your sexy self. We will
explore new models of relationships, learn about the five things you need to understand before meeting a new partner, and make your intimacy magical.

Sue McGarvie is a Clinical Sex and Relationship Therapist with a background in reproductive medicine and
psychology, and has been practicing in Ottawa since 1993. Sue is considered a leading Canadian expert on libido,
hormones and intimate relationships. She has been a talk show host for more than ten years on both television
and radio, and now has a new syndicated feature called Three Minute Therapist. Sue is the author of two books
on relationships and is busy writing a new book called The Suburban Hedonist. She used to discuss contraception
with her audience …now she talks about menopause. Sue McGarvie head’s the Ottawa Libido and Sex Therapy Clinic and has been a regular contributor to MacLean’s, Chatelaine, and Canadian Living. As a sex and relationship therapist Sue has worked with individuals and couples to save marriages, increase intimacy and balance hormones. She lives in Westboro, runs with scissors and has a mild chocolate addiction.

Money –one of the most powerful forces in the world. Do you understand it all? Judith Cane, Canada’s Money Coach does and she’ll share it with you through a dynamic, engaging presentation. Got questions? Ask. Answers? Judith has them. Plain-talking, point-making, educational and entertaining, Judith Cane, will help you to re-ignite your money plans, re-think your spending and make sure you are in charge of your credit and cash flow.

Judith is Canada’s Money Coach and has worked in the financial services industry for more than 27 years. She has
worked with hundreds of clients to create a clear picture of their financial situation, build a realistic spending and savings plan, implement a Get Out of Debt and Stay There strategy and finally help them to achieve their
financial goals.

Why joining a community will help you live longer.

Ducklings(1)It has been long understood that as human beings we need to be surrounded by people who like and understand us. We need to be touched, and we need basic human contact. Having a community of people we can count on to have our backs when something goes wrong has been essential for survival. Traditionally it has been our family, extended family and neighbours who have made up our clan. These folks have a common background and can relate to who we are. But it turns out that community is even more than that.

Harvard University has done arguably the longest study on adult development in history. It’s still going strong and there is a great Ted Talk done by psychiatrist Robert Waldinger who is the study’s fourth director. Harvard has spent 75 years asking over 700 men what makes them healthy and happy. Every two years they asked men (aged from their teens right through to their nineties) where they are in their lives and what was important to them. By talking to them and their families, and asking them to share what really mattered, the clearest picture of what they valued throughout their lives has been created. The study went beyond surveys. These men had their brain’s scanned, their blood tested and their medical records examined. After 75 years, they have tens of thousands of data points.

The key message that has come out of this study to date is that good relationships keep us healthier and happier. And good relationships don’t just make us a little more joyous and more likely to age well, but fundamentally improve our health and happiness. “Forget wealth and fame” says Waldinger, “good relationships are what has the most impact on our happiness.” There were three take-aways about relationships that came through in all of this research. As you might assume, social connections are good for us and loneliness kills. People who are connected to family, friends and community live longer and are healthier. Adults who are lonely have a declining brain function, their health starts to decline in midlife, and they live shorter lives. The second important insight is that it doesn’t matter how many people you have around you, it’s the quality of those relationships. Constant conflict is very bad for our health. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships are protective. And relationships can mean a significant partner, groups of partners, communal living, groups of friends etc. It absolutely shows that the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. Waldinger stated that“ participants who were the most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80 no matter what their cholesterol numbers or other health markers looked like”. Lastly the study found that good relationships don’t just affect your health, they also affect your brain. If you can count on the people in your life to have your back you are most likely to keep your marbles as you get older. It’s an anti-dementia protocol. The people who fared the best were those who leaned into relationships and found their community.

We are seeing this in action in our community group we started called The Ducklings. A community is any group of individuals connected to each other by like interests. The Ducklings are a local, adult group for people who want date nights and fun, sexy adventures. We think it’s a gathering of new friends that’s a little saucy but warm, friendly and giving. We have been astounded at how fast people have joined. They are signing up in droves looking for a safe group in which to get to know new people. With the Ducklings, the goal is to try and be a little sexy so it’s edgier than a service club like Rotary. But it stays well on this side of socially appropriate and the emphasis is on having a safe environment.

Being a Duckling gives members a chance to try out new, fun activities about town. Initially couples came because they wanted a place to have fun with their own partner without the worry of planning new date ideas. And for singles, it was about getting out with like-minded potential partners. For anyone new to the city they often don’t have any real connections beyond work. And it’s lonely. You go from work to home. Work to the grocery store to home. If you can’t make friends, life gets very narrow. And as the Harvard study has shown, even people with a significant relationship need community. As therapists, we believe that one person can’t meet all your needs and it’s unrealistic to expect them to.

Beyond the healthier and happier reasons that Waldinger and his team has outlined over the last 75 years, what specifically can the Ducklings or other community groups do that is so important? A community of people with the same interests share intimate conversations, social events, and deep relationships. Having a strong network of similar people presents options for a night out. It gives you a friend to call when times are rough or simply someone to laugh-out-loud with on a Friday night.

Your community tells you when something is working – and when something isn’t. Without a community you won’t receive positive feedback or get reined in when a behavior becomes an issue. It is part of the continuing socialization process of fitting in. As human beings, we need a sense of belonging. Community is where we find comfort in difficult times. What’s interesting for us as therapists is that the group becomes bigger than the sum of its parts. Meaning that the group takes on a life of it’s own and connections happen. Life gets better for the members in many ways that wouldn’t have happened without the group existing in the first place.
So the moral is find your people. We invite you to come and be a Duckling (www.wearetheducklings.com). But if we are not your people then find the group that is. Your life will depend on it.

Transparencies in Relationships

infidelity1It was the summer of Ashley Madison. You would have had to been on Mars not to have heard about the fallout from the illegal hack to the world’s most notorious infidelity site. All summer I dealt with people worried about being exposed. And with good reason. Emails from blackmailers, talk around the water cooler, investigation from employers, and partners asking to swap phones to search for dubious conversations all created massive stress for anyone who had a profile on the site. Ordinary folk felt very at risk. It certainly caused a number of couples to start conversations about wants and desires. I tell couples that infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship but it certainly is a wake-up call. And it is profoundly betraying and hurtful for the spouse who Melissa Etheridge calls “an unwitting fool”. If you are starting to wonder what else is out there or are actively fantasizing about partners other than your own, then it’s time to up the transparency. Before you cross that cheating line, talking about those feelings can release some steam and cause individuals to really own their desires. As a therapist I help people navigate the gray areas. It’s what Jessica O’Reilly calls “monogamish”. Monogamish is things like upping the sensuality, pretending your waitress will be joining you in bed as a couple, sexy date nights and things like flirty hot tubbing. Safely, openly and holding your partner’s hand allows you to communicate about what you really desire.
But what happens if your partner wants to maintain the status quo? Or isn’t open to new sensuous adventures?
Pulling the covers over your head and hoping your partner’s desires (or your own) will just go away isn’t the solution. That’s what fed the desire to have an affair in the first place. Like with low libido, this doesn’t magically get better. If you think you’ll outgrow it. think again. I regularly speak to men in their late 80’s who still have the desire for daily sex.

Counseling helps. Figuring out why you are blocked sexually is a positive step no matter how you define your relationship. I call it your “sex quotient”. It’s your prude factor. If you are too uncomfortable to safely explore your sexuality with your partner then it’s time to do something about it. Therapy can deal with trauma, guilt, or general uncomfortable feelings about sex. Figure out what turns you on. Sex is a HUGE part of married life. If you aren’t having hot or regular sex, then it’s time to ask yourself (or your partner) why. Transparency about what you really want in bed and a safe place to discuss it is the best way to remain in a committed relationship.

Even more new research in sex!

cialis3New sex and relationship research and why it is important to your relationship

We see a good amount of movies as a couple. When you preach date nights, you better walk the talk. We try and balance the movies between seeing the new Marvel movies (and the yummy IronMan) and the more romantic date night movies. We take turns picking and while we both like adventure, we’ve been adding more thought provoking romantic flicks to our cinema viewing. It turns out that we are not alone. A recent University of Rochester study found that couples who watched and talked about issues raised in movies like “Steel Magnolias” and “Love Story” were less likely to divorce or separate than couples in a control group. You need to discuss and debate the movie, almost as if it was a book club. Watching relationship movies helps you understand each other’s position on intimate subjects. Surprisingly, the chick-flick movie was as effective at keeping couples together as two visits to your therapist. They won’t put me out of business, but they might work for a couple who only needs a minor “tune up”.
Other interesting new research that may be impacting your intimate life is the proof that too much light in your bedroom negatively affects your sexual desire and fertility. Women used to menstruate during the new moon (when it’s dark at night) and ovulate during a full moon (when it’s light). Now with late night television, phone and computer screens constantly giving off light, our fertility –and desire can get out of whack. Be aware of your bedroom lighting. Darkness is better for hiding stretchmarks, and it’s also better for revving up your internal engines. And get the television out of there. The blue light the TV transmits makes you less receptive to an under the covers encounter.
And it’s not just light. It also turns out that bedroom temperature can impact both men and women’s ability to achieve orgasm. For men, if it’s too hot their ability to ejaculate diminishes. For women, it’s having cold feet. Literally. During the study of orgasms at the University of Groningen, only 50% of women could climax when they were chilly. When you made them more comfortable with warm socks and blankets the climax rate increased to 80%.
Another thing that impacts your sexual responsiveness is too much bike riding, especially with low handlebars. We’ve long known that those bike seats were terrible for male fertility, and diminished erections. But now the study from Texas A&M shows that “women who ride a racing-style bike with handlebars lower than the saddle for more than 10 miles weekly incur a loss of feeling in their genitals.”
An important safety tip to keep your sexual responsiveness up is to pay even closer attention to oral hygiene. Yes you are more likely to get kissed. But it can also affect both your orgasms and your partners erections. I know, I was surprised too.

Unflossed gums harbor bacteria that can enter the bloodstream. This clogs blood vessels, which in turn reduces the blood supply to your squishy parts. So people with gum disease are more likely to have diminished orgasms. And for men, neglected dental care can lead to a threefold increase in erectile dysfunction. It’s an excellent reason to keep the bathroom stocked with dental floss.

Finally, it turns out that all those high-arched Jimmy Choo’s can negatively affect a woman’s orgasm. Certain high heels that create an artificially heightened arch in the foot make orgasms more difficult. The heels create a contraction in the pelvic floor, which is problematic because the pelvic floor then cannot contract further during orgasm. Who knew that the arch in women’s feet contract during orgasm?
So wear lower heels, get the TV out of the bedroom, take in a chick flick with your sweetie, and remember to floss. It may be what you need to do to have a fabulous sex life this month.

New research in sex

feet66I think every University psychology student wants to study sex. It’s on their minds (constantly) and like anyone who is newly sexual, they think they have discovered how cool sex can be. But the truth is that there is very little new in sex. No new parts, no new names for sexual responses and very few true innovations in the world of sex toys. Sure there are 400 different varieties but they all basically either insert or vibrate in different colors. For men, sex toys are a variation on a tube and a hole.
But sometimes with all of those psychology and med students looking into how we respond between our knees and our waists there are occasionally new insights. Here are some of the results that may impact how we reproduce. Or at least try to.
1. How much light there is in your bedroom affects your sexual desire and fertility.
Women used to menstruate during the new moon (when it’s dark at night) and ovulate during a full moon (when it’s light). Now with late night television, and phone and computer screens constantly giving off light, our fertility –and desire can get out of whack. Be aware of your bedroom lighting. And get the television out of there. There is actually proof now that the light affects your sex life.

2. And now we have a new STI to be worried about.
It turns out Ebola can be transmitted sexually. Even up to three months after a patient has recovered. Now we need our own check lists for people who have visited East Africa.

3. Women can get pregnant five to eight days after having sex
Studies have shown that some sperm can live in the cervical mucus crypt before the egg is actually fertilized for anywhere from five to eight days after sex. It used to be that women could only get pregnant on the day of ovulation and had to be concerned the four preceding days as well, as sperm can live in the fallopian tubes that long. Now it turns out that the sperm is in storage much longer until the optimum fertilization time.

4. Wearing high heels can negatively affect a woman’s orgasm
There are shoes that create a heightened arch in the foot. The heels create a contraction in the pelvic floor, which is problematic because the pelvic floor then cannot contract further during orgasm. Who knew that the arch in women’s feet contract during orgasm?

5. Orgasms can make women more creative
Studies have shown that orgasms can make women more confident, productive and creative. And it’s a feedback loop—women achieve fuller orgasms when they are being creative.

6. Women have three erogenous zones
The clitoris, the G Spot, AND around the opening of the cervix which is sometimes called the X spot. Some argue nipples belong on that list too.

7. Nerve endings are distributed differently in every woman’s vagina
Like a snowflake, each woman is unique in that her nerve endings are distributed in her genitalia differently than anyone else. That means every woman needs to employ slightly different methods to achieve orgasm.

8. Another reason to drink more water. Being well hydrated leads to better orgasms
Because the body is mostly fluid, being hydrated enhances people’s ability to achieve orgasm.

9. Most woman can achieve orgasm
Almost no woman was born unable to achieve an orgasm. “Women have the innate machinery programmed to have orgasms,” “But not everybody learns how to use that machinery well.”

How to get your mind into sex and away from distracting thoughts

distractedIt’s called busy brain syndrome. It’s when your mind runs a constant dialogue in your head. You know what I mean. It’s when the list of sixty-three things that you have to do is swirling around and you start obsessing while you may be trying to unplug. When it happens, you can’t ignore your action items and focus on living in the moment. It’s a huge issue I see with women sexually. In fact it’s a recurring theme among the smart, successful, and very busy women I see in my practice. These are women who spend their days checking things off their extensive to do lists. Slowing down the thinking to allow your body to catch up and sexual desire to begin to build becomes a real challenge. If you are finding yourself needing more than one glass of wine to relax for sex or find it difficult to switch gears and be intimate then you may need to learn some specific techniques that help you gear up your sexy self.

If you are busy thinking about your grocery list or pondering “beige, I can paint the ceiling beige” when your partner is spending time between your legs then it’s time to hear about sexual mindfulness. Women seem to be much more easily distracted during sex. Maybe it’s those Mommy ears, or an anxiety that someone or something may interrupt. The women I speak to wonder if there is something wrong with them. ‘Why am I thinking about that? Why am I not able to focus?'” Are you asking yourself what you can you do to stay present in the moment?

I hear from many women who feel that sex is a chore. The average Canadian couple has sex at 10:34pm. Sex is apparently something that is supposed to happen at the end of an exhausting day when couples finally manage to fall into bed. Many men have no trouble putting sex first. They tell me that everything -Christmas, field trip forms, even food are not as important as finding time to get naked together. You may have a partner for whom sex is a priority and you feel guilty for not being as into it as you think you should be. If a quality relationship is one of the most important things in our lives then why are we having so much trouble shelving the list of stuff we need to do and jumping our sweetie’s bones?

So besides exhaustion and a head full of tasks, what are some of the other things that block your body’s sexual response? Many women describe the “one moment”. The moment is when they know exactly how the sexual experience will play out before it happens – good, bad or in between. Whether the sex has a déjà vu feeling or that their partner’s techniques are repetitive, women from THAT moment onward are simply going through the motions. If women have this feeling that an orgasm won’t happen, or that their bodies are simply not going to respond they tend to check out and start thinking about other things.

What can you do to put yourself into the mood for sex? How can you get your head in the game?
I like anchoring techniques. Anchoring is the technique where you systematically put yourself in the frame of mind by remembering a time when you were feeling happy and sexy. Then you “pin” that feeling to a physical spot on your body. Snap or squeeze two of your fingers repeatedly when you are in a sexy mood. Do it again and again with emphasis and any time you squeeze your fingers again you start to immediately feel happy and sexy. You can learn to quickly bring yourself back to that mood – even if you are commencing from a cold start. Remember a time when you were turned on. Make it vivid, like a colourful movie. When you start smiling or twitching form the memory then anchor it.

I’ll also suggest a hypnotherapy tape. All hypnosis (in my opinion) is a way to access our subconscious mind and try and change that tape in our heads. I’ll help clients with messages like “I love sex with my partner”, “I feel sexy”, “I am able to calm myself and get into sex” and other scripts that specifically reflect the positive message you are trying to tell yourself. I regularly use my phone to make positive audio messages about whatever self-improvement I am working on personally.

I have one client who swears by the mind calming technique of mindful relaxation. This technique involves naming objects and cities before she gets into bed with her husband. Other women like journaling, or use rituals like a bath, candles or a massage to help them switch gears. Writing down the list of busy thoughts before heading to the bedroom can be calming. And you know that you haven’t forgotten anything so you can allow yourself to take a sex hiatus. I also suggest unplugging at least once a day. I find my anxiety can ratchet up (and my sexual desire diminish) if I am too connected to my phone.

Finally try Eckhart Tolle’s Practice of Present Moment Awareness. He suggests three steps.
Become conscious of your breathing. Don’t try to control it, just place your attention on it. Dan Harris in his great book 10% Happier calls it “getting behind the waterfall of emotion”. When you place your attention on your breath, you are no longer occupied in the mind and you become aware of the present moment. The bottom line is to drag your attention away from the mind and place it in the moment you want to be in. For this exercise it is being present sexually and noticing what that feels like. Try it. It gets easier and the result in increased orgasms and more enthusiasm for sex speaks for itself.

Finding and keeping a great love

greatloveHow will you know when you’ve discovered a genuine romance that will go the distance? Does it even exist? Provided that this is possible, how would you go about discovering it? Some are sufficiently fortunate to have it. They met in High school and lived happily ever after. Many aren’t as lucky. On the off chance that you are one who hasn’t, or isn’t certain, there are a couple of pointers that can help you begin discovering intimate romance!
Finding love would be so much less stressful if there was a manual out there disclosing precisely where to discover it. Lamentably, we don’t have such a book. What’s more, to exacerbate matters, sentimental people let us know it still exists once we have already lost hope.
So where do we search for genuine, long-term romance?
In today’s reality, we have a bunch of choices: web dating, speed dating, singles or Duckling meet-ups (www.sexwithsue.com/duckling-events), bars, parties, service groups, classes, stores, libraries, and many more day to day encounters. Yet, with these choices, large portions of us are still searching for that intimate romance.
Consequently what are the steps to find a great love? Besides getting a great dating picture, and telling your friends you are open to introductions you need to get the internal stuff ready. Here are some of the things we discuss during our workshops about intimacy that might benefit you this spring. (www.sexwithsue.com/workshops).
Cherish yourself
As cheesy as it may sound, the first step to discovering intimate romance is to cherish yourself. Take pride in your achievements! Take pride in your appearance. Create hobbies and pastimes. These are the sorts of things that make you a balanced, confident individual. Furthermore, gentlemen find confident interesting women hot! Also a date with many interests is fun and fascinating to be around. There is a great book for women by Sherry Argrov about “Why Men Love Bitches”. The male equivalent literature discusses women’s desire for Bad Boys. In either case, the opposite sex is most attracted to partners with confidence, and sex appeal.
Realize what you need
We all have our benchmarks. Try not to permit yourself to settle for less. Don’t settle short of what you need and merit. This would just subtract from your own achievements and hobbies. Verify that you comprehend what you need, as well as verify you set those guidelines sufficiently high. Somebody may appear like an awesome gentleman, yet in the event that he can’t furnish you with the adoring relationship you merit, why might you settle for this? You deserve to be loved and cherished. Be clear, market well, and understand that your life partner may be in a different package. But being treated well is mandatory for a long-term connected relationship.
Be persistent
Don’t give up. I have lots of clients who have been searching the free sites (craig’s list, okcupid, and pof.com) to no avail. If it’s not working, change something up (try one of the paid sites for serious searchers), get a new picture, have a friend edit your ad, or try one of the local meet-ups. Anything but staying at home and bingeing on Ben and Jerry’s. Love takes work but it’s worth looking for.
Give
What’s more, at long lasting, genuine romance obliges that both partners give of themselves. One of the five keys of couples that make it is an ability to put the other person first. This isn’t being a doormat. But it is being willing to bend, be flexible and work with someone. Rigid isn’t attractive. My husband and I talk about being “fair, firm, kind, and consistent” in our courses. We also talk about being generous of spirit. Kindness matters.
So if you think you’ve tried these ideas and are still stuck then reach out to us. As a couple we work with people to find both hot, wild, monkey sex, and an amazing relationship. It’s stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things. Life is short. Love is important. Don’t miss out. There is a great love waiting for you too.

4 Ways To Get Back Into Dating & Relighting Your Groove

dating2It’s probably no secret than many of us have often been tossed into the crazy world of dating and not by our own choice and typically by total surprise. Unfortunately in some instances relationships and marriages fail. But let’s face it, we’re not meant to spend the rest of our lives on our own, we’re meant to share our lives with someone. We bet that you may not want to admit it right now, but living on your own can certainly become rather lonely after a while.

Taking a step back into the world of dating doesn’t need to be difficult.
If you choose to decide to take the initial leap into the dating world once again, you need to make sure that you do it with an open heart and with your eyes wide open eyes. Nevertheless, you filled to the brim with knowledge this time and are armed to the teeth with an arsenal of do’s and dont’s from your previous experiences.

Identify and understand what you need, not what you want.
You will need to begin with a clear list of what you want and need in an individual as opposed to what you desire. Your list should also include things that you will absolutely not accept. As we become older, the window of opportunity becomes smaller, which means there isn’t much room for mistakes. So gather your arsenal and your game plan!

Don’t allow fear to get in the way.
Alright soldier, what is there to fear? Don’t allow fear and unnecessary self-doubt prevent you from potentially falling in love. Love can unarguably be a great motivator for many of us, so allow it to shine through and don’t hold back those emotions.

Don’t be fearful in joining online dating websites. Nevertheless, ensure that you are very picky and never allow yourself to be pulled in by just a handsome or beautiful face. Always search further and look at this as you would as a form of business deal. You are in this for the long haul so you don’t want to discover any possible hidden secrets.

Try something new.
Just because you know that something is tried and tested, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the correct way of doing things. Why not try new methods in order to meet new people. So you have never signed up to an online dating website? Give it a go! We heard that you’ve never considered working with a professional matchmaker either, so why not give that a go!

Choose your group of friends carefully.
Doesn’t that sound awfully familiar? Well, it’s good common sense, that’s why. Take a quick look around you, do you find that you’re mostly surrounded by single individuals who are constantly complaining about their situation? Abort! Evacuate that circle immediately and jump into a more positive group. If you choose to hang around with ‘winners’, sooner or later some of their mojo will rub onto you.

Focus on your own happiness.
Who isn’t trying to focus on their own sense of happiness? Nevertheless, the fact of the matter is that very few individuals actually are. What they seem to focus on is the situations, events and things that they believe will make them happy. Discover what rattles your cage (in a good way) and what puts you in a good mood, then simply do more of it. If you are genuinely happy, then everything will begin to magically fall into place, and finding someone to share your life with will become far easier on your nerves.

There are also a few things you can do that have been scientifically proven to make us more attractive to potential mates. For women, wearing red, smiling, wearing your hair long (think extensions if you don’t have it), less-not more makeup, more exaggerated waist/hip ratio (tighten that corset), and believe it or not talking in a higher voice all makes women seem more physically attractive. For men, it’s actually playing it cool that works. Not smiling, sexual and personal confidence, smelling nice, good oral hygiene, and appearing masculine. Which is why most women find toolbelts, 5 O’clock shadows (or playoff beards) so hot.

So get out there. Be sexy. If you are in Ontario consider joining our Duckling group. It’s a safe way to be sexy and gets you out of the house. You need to find that special someone.

The Sexiness Factor

sexiness factor I call it the Sexiness factor. It’s that elusive quality that makes you seem hot and sexually attractive to your mate or potential mate. It’s that flirty look you give your partner under your lashes. Or how a partner with a 5 o’clock shadow can give you that lopsided grin and get your heart pounding. It’s that bounce in your step knowing that you want your lover and they want you too. Everyone wants to feels sexy. And everyone wants a sexy partner. You don’t have to be the youngest, the thinnest or the person with the ripped abs to be sexy. The sexiness factor is about making the most of what you have. It’s the confidence in knowing your appeal whatever age you are at. And then working it. If you’ve been sitting around too long in yoga pants or that ripped tank top you’ve had since high school then it may be time to sit up and take notice. You could be in a sexual rut. You may have lost that loving feeling. Or your partner may not find you as sexually appealing as they once did.

Why is this important, and particularly for the men I see in my practice? For starters, we are living in a society with a 52% divorce rate where infidelity and lack of sexual desire plays a part in more breakups than most care to admit. This may not be news for you, but most healthy adult men think about sex a lot. Between four and six times an hour for men according to the most recent University of Nevada study. They want a partner they find desirable and whom other men find desirable. Even with the same sex couples polled by the University of Chicago, sexy was one of the top 5 things most people consider essential in a partner.

On the off chance that you’ve been too complacent in taking your partner’s and your own sexiness factor for granted, it’s not too late to up your game. It’s easy to fall into the role of the “we’re intimate companions” as opposed to supporting the passion that was there at the start of your relationship. In the early days when first dating, individuals are attracted to mates who are confident, sexy, constructive and upbeat. The challenge is that the initial zing of the relationship diminishes. Any individual who tells you they have the same wow for each other in year nine as they did in week one after the wedding is simply lying. Indeed biochemically, it just doesn’t work that way. The first 9 to 12 months of that “in love” sensation wanes. But the attraction can remain if you make an effort to look and be sexy for your sweetie.

When couples initially meet and begin to fall head over heels in love, their bodies are flooded with a blend of chemicals that influence their cerebrum and hormones. This experience is widespread as writers have expounded on it and troubadours have sung about it for a great many years. Both men and ladies are defenseless to it as our faculties abandon us, and we are devoured by the object of our love. You look at people in love under an MRI and they look insane. It’s called lovesick for a reason. When we see the person of our desire, our palms sweat, we go powerless at the knees and butterflies show up from no place in our gut. A kiss or insignificant thought about our new found sweetheart lights our sexual reactions ablaze and we say bizarre, at times imbecilic things on the grounds that we are so transfixed.

So what happens? We don’t stay in this condition of uplifted desire for a long time. Over the long run, that bond between lovers changes and we don’t lose ourselves to unbridled longing each time we see them in a room. Commonality does not breed disdain in many relationships however it positively can breed a cooling of sparks between the sheets. Commonality likewise makes us feel more secure and more agreeable. But there is a drive for newness. If there is new flare in the bedroom (anything from a different technique to playing the French mistress), it is appealing and sexy.
As the passionate side of a relationship takes work and devotion, so does the sexual side. You have to stay occupied with craving your sweetie and having them long for you in return. This isn’t just about being physically sexy, although staying in shape helps. Aging happens to all of us. Sexual fascination is measured through effort, creativity and connection. Connection can happen with similar interests, doing things together and sensuous date nights. Try new things together. Be that couple who investigates the world and are energized by life while they embrace it together. Learn together, act as a team, appreciate one another’s personalities and organization, and your bodies will go with the same pattern. You stay attractive by changing and discovering all of life together, not simply remembering the time when you fell head over heels in love. Someone who talks about sex, is interested in sex, and makes a continual effort to improve sexually is an exciting partner. Despite being a sex therapist for close to 25 years, I am still learning new things new techniques and I find sex interesting. I tell women to work on their anti-prude factor. And work at not being a starfish. Starfish is the term used to describe women who lie back in bed and don’t make any effort to initiate, engage, or show their sexual interest while having sex. You can picture the shape. “Lie back and think of England kind of sex.” I keep hearing from my clients about the frustration of letting their sex lives sink into oblivion or obligatory sex. Couples in this state start to feel like brother and sister. Or friends that co-parent.

So what can you do specifically? I preach the mantra of date nights incessantly. Together with my husband we run a fun and sassy adventure group for couples (and singles) that share collective date nights and ideas. We call them the Ducklings and they are a great way to make friends and have idiot-proof date adventures. As a group we do things like tasting aphrodisiac foods, shooting each other in adult-only laser tag and brunch burlesque shows among other things. Find out more at www.sexwithsue.com/duckling-events.

With spring in the air make a commitment to up your sexiness factor. Maybe it’s time to invest in new lingerie this season, and increase your sexual nuances a little bit. I guarantee the payoff on your sexiness factor will put a smile on the face of your partner. And have you walking taller

Sexuality workshops starting April 26th, 2015

Your happiness depends on it.
Intimacy workshops starting April 26th, 2015. From romance to hanging from chandeliers.

Couples Workshop on intimacy, keeping it hot, and romance

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One of the most common questions I get asked from clients is how do you keep up the passion? Especially for people who have been together for a long time. Finding out what’s new in sex, and exploring things you may not have tried is the theme of this new workshop. So if you are asking questions like; What if we want to try something a little more risqué? or How do we try it with grace and integrity? then you may want to consider this workshop for singles and couples. Sex Therapist Sue McGarvie and her husband Blaik Spratt are presenting a 4 week workshop on outlining all of the mild and wild things you can do to create a smoking hot relationship- all without stepping on relationship landmines. This is for couples (and singles) that know they want to ignite the passion within and to learn about new sexual experiences in a safe, professional atmosphere. Sue McGarvie (sex with Sue) has been talking about sex in Ottawa for close to 25 years. Along with her husband Blaik, they can be your tour guides into what might be the best way to safely spark up your love life.

Find out how amazing your sex life could be this spring with topics that include:
What turns you on?
Where are you on the sexual continuum? Where is your partner and what does it all mean?
What is your Love Language and how does your sweetie feel loved?
Sensual touch and Tantric sex.
Burlesque, body image and how to move in a sexy way.
Toys, sexual communication, and expanding your sexual repertoire.
Covered under workplace benefits plans and it makes a great date afternoon. It’s happening in Westboro, Sunday’s from 2 to 3:30 for four consecutive weeks. April 26, May 3rd, May 10th and May 17th.
Sign up now!

$300 with munchies, refreshments and a full book new ideas!





EH1 Course Agenda Spring 2015 ( 2 – 3:30 pm )

Week 1 (April 26)
Topics Activities / Events
Participant Introduction
General Course Introduction Guest speaker – finding your sexy self
What Turns You On Where’s Your Spot?
Fantasy vs Reality Who is your fantasy?
EH Continuum Scale Continuum Game

Week 2 (May 3)
Topics Activities/ Events
Love Languages
Sexual Communication
Gender Differences
Social Nudity Guest Speaker – Understanding your parts

Week 3 (May 10)
Topics Activities/ Events
5 Steps Of Apology
Tantric Sex
Sensual Massage
Sex Toys
Boudoir Guest Speaker – What’s new in sex

Week 4 (May 17)
Topics Activities / Events
Guest speaker – Dipping a toe

Negotiation Guest speaker – Being sexy
Jealousies / Insecurities Fantasy Exercise
Communication Play partner Continuum

What’s new in sex? What turns you on? Fantasy vs. Reality. Gender differences and communication. Sensual touch and Tantric sex. Burlesque, body image and how to move in a sexy way. Toys, ropes, massage and expanding your sexual repertoire.

For four consecutive weeks on Sunday afternoons we are having a kick-ass workshop on everything you can do to keep your relationship soling hot. Think of it as fun group therapy with the best sexuality speakers in the city. A full insurance receipt is provided (so the cost is covered under your benefits plan). That means essentially free, and we have cookies! Cutting edge information that makes a huge difference in your intimate life. $75 per week or $300 for four weeks. It’s happening in Westboro, Sunday afternoons 2 to 3:30 pm in May. It makes a great date afternoon, or connect with new people as a single.

Starts April 26th, 2015
This workshop is for couples who wish to learn and understand the dynamics in enhanced sexual relationships. This course is also recommended for couples who want more information beyond an introduction to what is out there to experience. So if you are asking questions like; How do I bring up and possibly negotiate expanding our sex life to include new forms of play? and If we do walk that path, how do we maximize the experience while minimizing the risk?, then this may well be for you.

Sue McGarvie,
http://www.sexwithsue.com
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The Anti-Valentine’s Day Movement. Or how to celebrate your singleness.

anti1There is a growing movement of people who want to say “shove it to Valentine’s Day”. Singles have long felt left out of the sappy “let’s connect” roses and chocolate messages of the holiday. Now Anti Valentine’s parties are all the rage. These are parties decorated with dead roses. The have rules like: You must not bring any chocolate, wine or champagne to the party. Black things such as Guinness or a cake with black icing are preferred. Or heart shaped cupcakes with knives through them. Black is also the color theme for clothing. Anti V-Day songs like Roxette’s “It must have been love”, or “Love hurts” by Gram Parsons are the anthems. The Anti V-Day movement is to celebrate being single and loving it! Or to at least have friends around when you draw horns on your ex’s picture. It’s also about loving oneself, wherever you are in life.

So what can you do to feel powerful if you aren’t hooked up as part of a couple? Well you can get in the mood of the Anti V-Day celebrations by making your own voodoo doll for all the ex’s who need to be prodded with a sharp pin. Or you can go with the theme of many of these parties “Love stinks, so let’s drink”. But I’m advocating a more positive approach and coming up ways to announce your awesomeness to the world.

There are a few ideas to embrace your singleness. I do a vision board exercise with my Women’s Body Image and Sexuality Workshops that I run. (Sign up for the next one starting late March!) Powerful statements of self-love like “You love when you are ready, not because you are lonely” or “because good enough isn’t good enough for you” can become mantras. Do some things you can’t do if you were in a relationship. I’m not advocating sleeping with the football team, but go crazy doing something unconventional that is hard to do when you are with somebody that makes demands on your time. Like take a spur-of-the-moment trip. Update your profile to single and loving it. Make business cards and hand them out to cool people with your fun (and safe) email address on it. Start a gratitude journal. There are lots of things you can do to really embrace your life as it is right now. If you have enough like-minded friends have an Anti V-Day party. Get everyone to dress up as cupids gone very, very bad. Think naughty and armed angels as sexy as you want to be. Sounds like fun. And if you really want to be in a relationship then make a vow that 2015 is going to be your year. Be the interesting person that people want to get to know. Deal with some of that lingering baggage (therapy can help) and get rid of that “poor me, pity party stuff”. Life is too short to be needy.

So whatever your take is on Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to embrace it. Whether it’s couple love, group love (those polyamorous people shouldn’t be excluded) or self love then make the most of this February 14th.

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