Category: Infidelity/Extra Marital Relationships

Five reasons why relationships can actually be improved by infidelity

Infidelity (followed by drifting apart, emotional abuse and household/money conflicts) tops the reasons why we have a 52% divorce rate in Canada. I see many of the couples in the aftermath of an affair in my office. What’s interesting for many of them the act of catching your partner cheating may actually improve their marriages. Really.
It brings the problems into the forefront and forces people to look at what’s not working in their relationship. It causes couples to re-commit to staying together. It allows real honesty and forgiveness. It kicks starts sex lives. and And finally, it causes a little healthy competition that has your partner in demand by other people that makes you look at them in a whole new light.

In my opinion, many of the unfaithful partners fall into one of three categories.
1. They have an affair of convenience. Think late nights over a boardroom table, the guy next door, or someone you see regularly.
2. They are sex hounds and are attracted to newness (men) and positive attention (women).
3. There emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship. And despite discussing them over and over, the other partner stays in denial. These ones are the most dangerous as your partner keeps looking for a soft place to land.

Do any of these sound like you? Write me at suem@rogers.com if you suspect or have found your partner being unfaithful. We can save relationships.

Following the next trend in infidelity. Wives and Mistresses, either suing each other or teaming up.

Mistresses
www.sexwithsue.com, www.loveandlipstick.com

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/wives-who-sue-mistresses-is-this-ok-1427047/

There is a toast made famous by an admiral in the British navy that goes: "To our wives and mistresses, may they never meet."  That line has never been more relevant. 

Whether Tiger Woods, or Matt from The Today Show, having a mistress seems like all the rage. Just like owning a luxury car, or holidays in exotic spots, having a mistress seems to be the right of passage for successful men. Previously, it was men that seemed to have all the cards. They could have their cake and eat it too. Lately, given the many women that Tiger and other men have had, it seemed to be a even more of a tightrope when anyone can facebook or Youtube about celebrity gossip.  But the power has lately been more in  the hands of mistresses. It is the mistress that can out their dalliance, and it is the mistress that can do the Heidi Fleiss "tell all book".

All that may change with the the new trend of having disgruntled wives now suing the mistresses. Apparently in the US there is a law in many states that allows you to sue for "loss of affection". Instead of keeping things private, the whole world can watch the disolution of a union.

"The queen of all mistress-suers, Cynthia Shackelford, sued her husband's mistress, Anne Lundquist, for ruining her marriage, claiming alienation of affection and intentionally or recklessly causing severe emotional distress. She was awarded nine million dollars." (see above article for more detail on the juicy scandals)

Agh!

I think that is completely catty and inappropriate. My sweetie Blaik says "studies have shown that 90% of men would stray if they got away with it, there aren't enough judges in the world to deal with those numbers  of lawsuits". A mistress is never the cause of a divorce. She is a symptom alongside of men's base urge for newness.  To me it is another symptom of how the institution of marriage isn't keeping up with social evolution. More on that as I write an article on "the revenge of the mistress".

 

How to sleep with lots and lots of women. Hey, variety is the spice of life.

www.sexwithsue.com

Warren Wilt Julio

I had a patient call me who said that "their New Year's Resolution was to sleep with 24 women this year". He wanted to average two new partners a month and wanted my advice on how to accomplish such a feat.  Since I rarely seduce women, I thought he should go to the experts. Fortunately, both Warren Beatty and Julio Iglesias have released biographies that outline their exploits. And who could forget Wilt Chamberlain's claim that he slept with over 20,000 women?

These three are a few of the most famous cocksmen of the last 25 years that came springing to mind.

As Wilt said "he had had sex with approximately 20,000 women. "At my age," he wrote, "that equals out to having sex with 1.2 women a day, every day since I was fifteen years old." Chamberlain's claims ignited a wave of public criticism (and skepticism), to which he responded, "I don't see all this lovemaking as any kind of conquest; all I'm saying is that I like women, people are curious about my sex life, and to most people the number of women who have come and gone through my bedrooms (and various hotel rooms around the country) would boggle the mind."

He apparently didn't have any patented techniques on getting them into the bedroom. I guess being 7 feet tall, a famous basketball star, rich, and being incredibly well endowed was enough. 

Beatty (the subject of Carly Simon's song You're So Vain) "tells us that if he had no more than one partner a night — and often there were several — over a period of say, three and a half decades, from the mid-1950s … to 1991 when he met Annette Bening, and allowing for the stretches when he was with the same woman, more or less we can arrive at a figure of 12,775 women." That's one woman a day for 35 years which my math guy says is a very questionable number. But he did sleep with some highly appealing women such as Madonna, Cher, Julie Christie, Diane Keaton, Leslie Caron, Michelle Phillips, Britt Eklund, Mary Tyler Moore, Natalie Wood … the list goes on.

In a timely article (for my blog at least) Iglesias claimed "he was like a rabbit." The singer added that he had a "superstition, a quirk or whatever, that I couldn't go onstage to sing if I didn't make love first."

I don't think any of these men's techniques can be duplicated by my 24 in '10 guy. Blaik's suggestion is  "that $5,000 will guarantee it this month". (at the average hooker prices of $200 a roll). However, if you are trying not to pay for sex then you need to follow The Formula.  We're writing a book (called, you guessed it The Formula) about how to find your perfect love/sex partner in four months or less. Which will outline the things that women find attractive (like good hygiene, safety, sense of humour, nice smelling, intelligent conversation, and humility), and how to write an ad (and which sites to put it on) that will guarantee you get laid. Barring that, it is one of those over 30 singles events where the women always outnumber the guys. If you can't score in a place like that, then you "really do have two heads". I'm testing it with my wanna be Lethario. We'll see if he can close the deal on 24.

News flash: Men cheat because they are genetically programmed to be unfaithful

Related Topics: www.sexwithsue.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.schoolofsquirting.com, http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/01/AR2008090102087.html

Kids  According to a new article out yeterday from some researchers at my favourite sex university Rutgers (the state University of New Jersey – where they are always testing something sexy) "Men are more likely to be devoted and loyal husbands when they lack a particular variant of a gene that influences brain activity, researchers announced yesterday — the first time that science has shown a direct link between a man's genes and his aptitude for monogamy."

This is news to me since I am convinced that 90% of men, maybe 95% will cheat if they can get away with it. I've said it before, but evolutionary biology has taught us that men are programmed to want to impregnant every woman in the world, and they are thinking about sex every six minutes. The expectation is  that they want a variety of women, and the challenge for most guys (being the loyal dogs they are), is how to get variety while staying married and not upsetting partners they love and the lives they like. All the while looking for like-minded women.  

"The finding is striking because it not only links the gene variant — which is present in two of every five men — with the risk of marital discord and divorce, but also appears to predict whether women involved with these men are likely to say their partners are emotionally close and available, or distant and disagreeable. The presence of the gene variant, or allele, also seems predictive of whether men get married or live with women without getting married," says the Washington Post.

My research on The Ethical Hedonist is about "How in God's name do we deal with our instinct to rut and be kinky, while being the person we want to be?, continues to lead me into new areas that show me that attraction, monogamy, polygamy, or a love affair with a pumpkin are all programmed by our genetic material. This study doesn't give people a cart blanche to behave any way they want, but it does say that if a man's culture, religion and family background each have a seat at the conference table that determines his attitudes toward marital fidelity and monogamy, his genes might well sit at the head of the table.

Out of town sex or Mistress 101 part 2

Busin So what do you do if you’re a travelling business guy trying to find some out-of-town-sex with integrity? Escorts, rub and tug parlors, offer a quick release but with no follow through, and for a thinking man, they can be very unsatisfying. Swing clubs rarely let in single men, and "a girl in every port" takes work, money, time, a regular schedule, and private communication streams. Mistresses can be great travelling companions (think of her naked, covered in peach body cream, eating chocolate, lying in wait for you in your hotel room), but it is a rare breed that isn’t a Princess in her pouts and demands. Finding the easy, charming, travelling kind-of-mistress usually takes big money. Or at least lots, and lots of continued attention.  Tough to do when you’re trying to get some business done.

I have men calling me as a sex therapist trying to figure out how to get more and better sex that they are missing at home in a way that’s safe, intimate, and still honours their souls. Many have tried it rather unsatisfactorly on the road. A friend of mine spent a week in Vegas alone and didn’t partake in any of the chicken ranch visits, or follow up with all of those cards they give you on every street corner.  He said that for him, "sex is about the connection and the overall sensual experience, not ejaculation".  Tough thing to do with the $200 an hour crowd. For women, we are always surprised at how much time men spend thinking about the possibilities of getting some. I have no new suggestions for guys out on the road tonight. Buying some erotica in the airport book store to read on the plane will just make your pants tight for the trip home. I once read Nancy Friday from Vancouver to Toronto non-stop and had an orgasm in the cheap seats just by rubbing my thighs together.  Hard thing to do if you’re a boy. I’m sure you can always do the one handed solution watching hotel room porn (unless you have a 24 hour rule).  It’s probably what’s happening considering that pay-per-view porn has higher gross revenues than ABC and NBC combined.  Think of me if you’re alone with your hand tonight. smile.

An affair by any other name

Men5 I’ve been seeing a bunch of patients who are having affairs. For some people it’s not a bad option – the guys I see who’s wives no longer give it to them and are going to spontaneously combust walking down the street, for those men an affair is a life saver.  You have to get somewhere, and it’s safer and cheaper than paying forit.  If you think someone isn’t getting sex, you are probably wrong. Everytime the Durex Sex Survey is run, over 85% of men surveyed say they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. I firmly believe that men are biologically attracted newness and will usually slip when tempted.  Blame their biology.  I think it’s harder than you think to fight 10,000 million years of evolution. If you are looking to cheat – try  Ashley Madison, the dating site for those already attached…. I think it’s so very much safer than falling in love with a co-worker.

Before you get mad ad say I’m encouraging cheating, in my experience there are many people for whom monogamy doesn’t work, and that safe, discreet, intimacy is a viable option. Being the child of divorce, I think incosequential sex is better than breaking up families.

Anyway, my point today was in saying that despite all the information, many of my friends, patients or callers think their married lover is going to leave their wife. Just for the record, less than 10% EVER leave the wife. Don’t expect it.

The Flanders Panel, the great novel by the Spanish author Arturo Perez-Reverte has a fabulous quote about married men.  " In the end my dear, a married man invariably finds in favour of his legal wife.  All those years of washing underpants and giving birth always prove to be the deciding factor.  It’s just the way they’re made. Deep down they’re sickening loyal. The bastards."

I couldn’t say it any plainer,  so adulterers take heart.

How infidelity is changing

Couples They did a poll and asked how many men would cheat if they could get away with it.  It turns out that close to 90% of guys, would have inconsequential sex, if  they couldn’t ever get caught.  (I’ll look for the survey source).  Infidelity and having a mistress also used to have more social acceptance – you know, Man’s God give right to fool around… 

Well not anymore.  Social mores suggest that you are not entitled to have an affair, and I beleive as a sex therapist that if you choose to cheat, you better be prepared to live silently with the guilt.  This is one of the shifts in sexual attitudes happening in our lifetime. Most partners would rather you didn’t, (go figure), and if you do, would rather not know.  "Getting it off your chest" seems like a very selfish thing to do, in terms of spousal mental health.  Feet 

Which brings me to my patient today, and my thoughts that monogamous relationships may just not work for some people.  I’ve met clients, that are incapable of being monogamous, it’s just the way they are made.  These people end up feeling horrible guilt and are made to feel abnormal becasue they don’t fit the mould of the nuclear family.  You are free to take exception to this, but this is my objective conclusion after years of tying to figure out why people have affairs.  My patient today met his mistress on Ashley Madison.com the dating site for those people already attached,  and found that having the affair saved his marriage.  I’m going to do a poll on my crazy site and I’ll let you know the results.

Feeling the Love…

Sue

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