Category: Kinky and Fetishes

Common sexual fantasies – They may be different than you think

fantasies3So you have a recurring sexual fantasy that keeps looping through your head about an office coworker? Are you reading trashy “girl porn- harlequin romance bodice rippers” on the way to work and wish one would come true? Or you don’t seem to have any fantasies at all? Do you have “I never believed it would happen to me” Penthouse letters kind of thoughts about the naughty hitchhiker or pizza delivery person?
If you can relate to any of those scenarios it means that you are perfectly normal. The one thing that seems to come out of all the research on fantasies is that there isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” when it relates to sexual imagination. You can have the typical threesomes, group sex, or you with a harem roll play going on. Or your fantasies are quiet and almost non-existent. What the research consistently shows is that it is all common place.
But what are the most repeated fantasies?
My husband and I run a course a few times per year called the Ethical Hedonist course about spicing up your relationship and understanding your sexuality. During our discussion of fantasies, we send around cue cards to get a sense of what everyone’s fantasies were. When they are written down anonymously most people are open about their secret musings. Because they are read aloud they may not be quite as kinky as those where you imagine yourself in the bad prison guard costume, but you can see if any of the below list might be something that you find appealing. Real people with real unedited fantasies.
-watching someone masturbate
-outdoor sex, waterfalls, forests
-threesomes
-sexy lingerie
-cheerleader
-complete total stranger (no strings attached)
-someone in authority
-airplane sex
-woman in a body suit
-librarian
-watch my partner with another person
-being tied up
-back of the truck at work
-being unwilling
-orgasm denial/teasing
-oral sex with chocolate or other food
-girl on girl
-high heels
“cleaning service by 2 french maids”
-Foursome with the neighbors
-toga and mazola/vegetable oil
-hot tub/sauna
stranger sex
-blindfolded and restrained
-being spanked
-public building
-greenhouse
-cave or at the centre of a maze
-camping
-public shower

So you think you might be a little bit kinky?

bdsmSo what is the difference between being kinky and why is it called BDSM?
The term BDSM dates back to 1969; The term is believed to have been formed either from joining the term B&D (bondage and discipline) with S&M (sadomasochism or sadism and masochism meaning the enjoyment of giving and receiving pain). BDSM communities generally welcome anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; this may include cross-dressers, extreme body mod enthusiasts, animal players, latex or rubber aficionados, and others in an overall term called kinky.
Kink is a catch -all phrase to mean things like role-playing fantasies (everything from dressing up like a pony, to a one piece leather outfit. It can also mean exchanging gender roles, giving up or taking sexual power (dominance and submission), sensation play like sadomasochism, fetishes (think pantyhose, foot, or corsets). Tristan Taormino defines kink as “an intimate experience, an exchange in power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual in some combination. People who practice kink explore the territory between pleasure and pain, eroticize the exchange of power, experience intense physical sensations and psychological scenarios, and test and push their limits.”
Although kink can incorporate everything from people who sexualize stuffed animals to the occasional passion for great thigh-high boots I think there are three main areas of being kinky that appeals to the masses.
The first is Domination and Submission. This is about the power exchange. You surrender to the experience in a safe and consensual way . Being dominate, means that you find personal and sexual gratification from taking charge and having your play partner (called a sub) do what you want. Submissive means that you sexually enjoy doing what you’re told without thought again in a safe and consensual way. Some people go further and want to be humiliated, dressed in the clothes of the other gender and punished for imaginary slights. It is the release of power that feels cathartic for some submissive people. I’m convinced that a majority of people (70% in my estimation) are submissive, 20% are dominate and 10% can switch back and forth. It’s the most common fantasy for women (rip my clothes off and take me!) and is the most mainstream of all forms of “kinkiness”. Domination and Submission often (but not always) involves devices like clothes, restraints, rope, collars, and clothes such as leather and latex that can be called fetish.
Fetish is the second group of kink. Fetishism or sexual fetishism is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist.
By this we mean any body part or inanimate object that particularly turns you on. These are things like strong preferences “I’m a leg guy” or “I find the sexiest thing about men are their hands”. It can also be very specific. “I’m aroused by pierced belly buttons, or painted toes.” It can also incorporate an object. Things like rubber, lace, hats, shoes, balloons, nylons are all common fetishes. It just means that regular sex would be ranked as a 2, and sex with the object of desire would be an 11.
I have clients who can’t get aroused unless they are wearing nylons, or having their partner wear something that meets their specific fetish ie. Garters, tight pants, pointy boots, hats, raincoats etc.
The final group is that of what is called sensation play. This is a type of kink that includes the term sadism and masochism (S & M) where giving and receiving pain becomes sexual in nature. It can also include anything that triggers a strong reaction. Things like dripping wax on your partner, playing with an ice cube, using picks, floggers, canes on their skin. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain and sensation play weaves on both sides of that line.
The reason you are hearing about “being kinky” more (besides the 20 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold) is that the internet has made finding about your particular sexual interest much more mainstream. Anytime you get a group of people together with the same interests, it normalizes it. And now you can find people who are also turned on by your specific interest. That’s why there are over 50 main porn categories and hundreds of sub sets.
Most people fall on a sexual continuum like we’ve been describing from very vanilla, to five kinds of flavours with chocolate sprinkles. The challenge is to explore what you might be interested in by taking it one step at a time. There is also the difficulty that while one partner may find one form of kink interesting while the other finds it distasteful. Like with all sexual play, there is the worry that you must be some kind of pervert if you like this stuff. The truth is that everyone has secret sexual desires and fantasies. And the longer I’m a sex therapist the more I’m convinced that everyone ( and I mean everyone has something private that falls into one of these categories.
So read about them. Come up with safe words. Try sex out of your comfort zone. You may be surprised at how much it turns you on.

How to be a little kinky and spice up your sex life. All without freaking out your partner.

kinkyI don’t know if it’s the summer weather, re-runs of “The Jack Nicholson Bucket List movie” on late night television, or just feeling fed up with the same old thing, but I have had a plenary of new couples lately saying they were taking risks and asking for the sex they secretly wanted. It’s my semi annual “how to introduce a little creativity in your sex life without screwing up your relationship blog”. My patients are asking everything from adding a few toys toys to their bedroom play to how to invite the single woman next door over for some wine and naked hot tubbing???

It turns out that many couples are out and out bored with their same old sex life.

It doesn’t mean that they want to trade their partner in for a newer and improved model. Take my word for it, the grass is not necessarily greener and sometime loads more complicated when tossing your partner out with the bathwater. But if you can’t stomach missionary position Saturday night any longer than I’m offering up my ideas on making your intimate life a little more frisky.

1. In my personal opinion, most people are sexually submissive. I haven’t seen much general research on this but after being a sex therapist for 23 years my guess if that 70% of people are submissive, 20% are dominate and 10% switch back and forth. Meaning that statistically both you and your partner wants to be blindfolded, tied to the bedposts and have creative things done to them with a chicken feather. Most people love the idea of being passively (and safely) taken. Light bondage is one of the top three most common male sexual fantasies according to the updated Kinsey Report. $10 furry handcuffs, a little pink rope from Home Depot or even a joint visit to Fetlife.com to look at ads and spark the dialogue to become a little kinkier.

2. Girls love costumes. At least this girl. I am always scouting out Halloween costumes at garage sales and my dress up bins are now threatening to take over the basement. Costumes allow us to be something different and act in a way that we might not have previously. It allows us to ask for things that we might not in our regular clothes. Suggest a dress up game. Order some inexpensive costumes on line and dress up like the Flash or Wonder Woman (okay, I watch too much Big Bang). But it’s fun, and definitely erotic to role play someone you haven’t before. Pull out your harem pants and “dream of genie”.

3. Get out the camera and take some pictures. The joys of digital photography is that you can model for your sweetie without anyone being the wiser. Pictures are especially powerful for men who are consistently turned on by what they see and imagine.

4. Find a teachable moment. It’s the advice I tell parents when talking to your kids about sex. Seize the day when a hot scene comes up in a movie you are watching, or a mention happens in a magazine in the grocery line up. Talking about it a few hundred thousand times is critical (in a safe, quiet environment). Ask about their fantasies. Talk about boundaries. Understand your limits and your partner limits. Relationships can blow up if you introduce something that you haven’t discussed in GREAT detail. It’s like having sex with the lights on and your eyes open. If you are too embarrassed to show yourself sexually in a vulnerable way, you may be hesitant in trying something new. But stepping out of your comfort zone is exactly what you should try. By taking a series of smaller risks in the bedroom allows what relationship guru David Schnarch calls “wall socket sex”. It lets you be truly intimate, and makes amazing connections with your partner.

5. If you do decide that you want to try something more out there- an ad on Craig’s List, a nude beach in your neighborhood, threesome, bondage munch (a gathering of BDSM people in your town) then you really, really must take things slowly. Sit down and write up the rules of engagement. What’s cool and what’s definitely not. Have a safe word that allows you to bail immediately if your partner drops it. Read, talk, and if you are really tentatively and possibly see a sex therapist to negotiate what you both want out of the experience. A smart sex therapist will be in the know about what is happening sexually in your area. If you are stuck finding one, drop me a line and I can refer you or help you myself.

Foot Fetishes. Why loving your partners feet is incredibly erotic

feet4
I just had my spring pedicure. My toes are currently painted a fetching shade called “slut red”. Subtle they are not. It turns out that as we start shedding the winter socks and start wiggling our pink piggies in strappy sandals you can more often than not catch attractive guys checking out your feet. You may think it’s a new thing but after a little cleavage, a great booty, and a fantastic pair of legs, men polled recently by Cosmo said their next favorite female body part is a sexy pair of feet. Does that mean that they have a foot fetish?

It turns out that 47% of men like feet. A lot.

A foot fetish is, basically, a sexual interest in feet — more so than other parts of the body — taking special notice to feet (toes, soles, shoes, toenails) and involves an array of activities involving rubbing, sucking, licking, dressing, manicuring, massaging, kissing and caressing for sexual stimulation.

Sex counselor and author of She Comes First, Ian Kerner, says a lot of people are aroused by feet and enjoy incorporating foot-play into sex-play, but they’re not solely aroused by the foot, as would be the case with a fetish.
I tell my patients that fetishes often develop in early adolescence when you first become aroused and determine a preference.
It shouldn’t surprise anyone that men look at feet. With more shoe stores than food stores in any given shopping center, most women spend an inordinate amount of time making our feet look pretty. If we spend time on our hair, we want you to look. The same goes for our feet.

So as the weather warms up and we head into spring with a plenary of freed toes take a minute to admire the ones in your vicinity. And think about something creative to do with your sweetie’s feet the next time you are doing the horizontal mambo.

50 Shades of Gray. Why the trilogy will change your bedroom habits.

I own a healthy collection of women’s erotica. Ever since I read Nancy Friday’s Forbidden Flowers on a airplane back from Vancouver and literally left a wet spot on the seat behind me, I’ve been hooked. I have everything from Suzie Bright’s American collection to the Ottawa based vampire books by Patricia McCarthy. Like many women, I have a taste for great mommy porn. As I wrote about 50 Shades when I first read it, (see the previous post), it is a smart premise with some hot sex scenes with very mediocre writing. What it says to me is that women of all ages are desperate for some hot sex. We may not all be into porn, but we love a well done sex scene as much as anyone.
There is a great article about the new surveys being done to explain the 50 Shades phenomenon. http://www.confused.com/news-views/infographics/holiday-reading-fifty-shades-effect
The most interesting thing for me was the idea that women would much rather read erotica than to do anything to make their own sex lives hotter. Some women reported that the 50 Shades books had them running for the local sex shop for some Ben Wa balls, or handcuffs. But 43% reading books like 50 Shades made their sex lives seem boring. I’ve got the new list of fun erotic things to do this fall. Check it out, and maybe you’ll have some “Christan Gray evenings of your own.”

50 Shades of Grey. A Sex Therapist wades in on why you can’t put it down.


I was at a Canada Day picnic with about 80 people a few weeks back. It was a annual gathering of about 20 families (who pull into the large cottage lot in their RV’s). What was interesting to me is that rather than the usual catch up, everyone wanted to talk about Ben Wa balls, handcuffs, and 50 Shades of Grey.
If you haven’t read the wildly popular trilogy by E.L. James then you are one of the few that hasn’t. And anything you’ve heard about the books- both good and bad are true. It is steamy hot. Kinky erotic coupled with a traditional fairy tale love story never seems to go out of style. “Rich, powerful but troubled billionaire reaches out for invisible but beautiful student and sweeps her off her feet.” Very Cinderella-like except that the sex is riveting. And unlike the traditional bodice ripping Harlequin romance novels, this one has themes of Bondage, submission, dominance with all kinds of kinky toys. It also needs a good edit and won’t be winning any Pulitzer prizes anytime soon.

So why do you keep hearing about these books?

Here are my thoughts.
1. It’s risque. It’s a mainstream novel making the rounds of suburbia complete with an intact contract to be a BDSM submissive. As a sex therapist I’ve certainly used contracts with my patients, and they are common in alternative sex manuals, but have never seen one in a mainstream book. It’s a peak into a world that everyone wonders about but hasn’t been made palatable before. Unlike the Kink episodes they air on Friday night which are like a train wreck of pierced bodies and out there sex, 50 shades of Grey (or as my friend Sheila calls it 50 shags a day) makes the domination so delicious that you want to change places with the heroine.

2. It has really, really hot sex scenes. I can’t tell you how many women have told me how turned on they were by this erotica. Nicknamed “mommy porn” these passages are designed for arousal. If you don’t read much erotica this might be the first book in a long, long time that has made you that lubricated.

3. New toys. Every since Charlotte discovered the rabbit on Sex in the City (and had a rabbit intervention) there has never been as much interest among mainstream women in sex toys. Apparently the beginner bondage kit at Babes in Toyland has had a 90% increase in sales since the book came out.

4. It’s chocolate sauce on vanilla sex. And for women for whom the thought of the same sex with same partner makes them think about running off to a tropical island, 50 Shades is a great escape. It’s a safe way of having a romantic encounter while never leaving your bedroom. Many women can’t tell you what their fantasies are. We just don’t think that way and can’t rattle off a list of fantasies like men can. But if you paint us a scenario… then you get our attention. We love the story. If we can imagine the sex then we can get aroused. And most women are a little submissive. Think, “take me big boy”. So if you can add those pieces together (along with a great social media marketing campaign), and you’ve got the 50 shags err I mean 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon.

Behind the Whip. What dominatrixes know your the men in your life and why you need to catch up.

I just finished an interview with Maria Coletsis of Vancouver yesterday. She’s the professional photographer and researcher who has written the new insightful portrait book called Behind the Whip.

Maria went all over the world photographing and interviewing all of the famous dominatrixes. She said it was fascinating speaking to these women. She explained some cultural differences between these dom’s. As an example,  the Japanese doms use intricate rope techniques, the German dom’s are much harsher and use military discipline in their sessions. The British doms’ are all about the naughty school boy and Mommy figures in their play.

Maria explained to me that despite their differences and locations these women were all strong women who were inately kinky. These aren’t “hookers with a crop”, these women all lived the dom lifestyle 24/7 in both their personal and professional lives.

What came out of my discussion for everyday use is how much their clients need to “escape”. The hour a week when they can let go and not be incharge is bliss for these men. The role play and the fantasy varies, but that so many more men are sexually submissive. The clients are all ages, but Maria said two of the men she saw were young, good looking, and successful. They all said that they could NEVER tell their wives their fantasies. So the paid the $400 an hour to be spanked, humiliated, comforted or allowed to play a role. She said they are much more that actresses, but that there is always a part of the dramatic. She also said that the dom’s are completely turned on by their work.

I’ll post the interview and some of the pictures on my www.sexwithsue.com site if you want to hear more about her insights.

Sex and escorts on the internet. Why Craig’s List and facebook are the new wild west of the sex trade

It’s interesting how fast sex changes. When I started as a sex therapist on the radio 15 years ago, I had to edit every second word.Now there are show’s on major networks showing G spot orgasms and squirting in almost prime time. Now with rub and tugs (or jack shacks as they call them in the southern US) everywhere and the Canadian prostitution law having been thrown out, sex for money seems to be everywhere. I was reading about offers on Craig’s List, on Kijiji in carefully couched language, Ashley Madison, and now on facebook. So now not only can you re-connect with an old flame from High School you can see if the woman voted “most likely to do the football team” actually turned it into a profession.

A recent sting in the US snagged a number of women on solicitation charges. Says the New York Times:
“Craigslist has become the high-tech 42nd Street, where much of the solicitation takes place now,” said Richard McGuire, Nassau’s assistant chief of detectives. “Technology has worked its way into every profession, including the oldest.”

Now as sex is always interesting and knowing that if you needed it- an emergency blow job is only as far as the back pages of the sun or one of the hundred million facebook pages out there. As one of my patients so eloquently put it “when the need strikes you have three choices. Porn, partner or the lure of of someone new for the low price of $60 for a hand job.”
And with men completely attracted to “newness”, the simplicity, ease and safety of getting sex for money with a parade of new women has never been more accessible.
I’m watching the trend with interest because I think sex has a real pulse on cultures. It’s such a need and is changing so quickly. Subscribe as I do some interviews with some of the most articulate madams around.

Why Men love Bitches – or how to be a ball breaker…

Domionate
www.sexwithsue.com

I had a girlfriend lend me the book "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov for a little light reading. It was entertaining, and bang on about how guys like girls with attitude.  Argov's advice put the women's movement back a hundred years as she explains how "to go from doormat to dreamgirl". This is the appeal in playing hard to get, using the combo techniques of flattery, and jealousy to build him up and tear him down.  There is a school of thought among sex therapists that men have the need to chase, and to be 'tuned up" by strong women". I'm mentioned before in my writing that I think 80% of men are sexually submissive. Often the colder and more elusive a she behaves, the more men seems to desire the woman in question. The more she tries and breaks down your ego and be in charge, (or the meaner she gets), the harder you'll try to keep her happy.

Most guys think the rebels, bad girls, the ones with the sexy shoes are awesome in bed. There is the need to be punished by strong women (just like Mom- it hits some deep-seated psychological need for many men), and there is the make-up sex. Think leather, handcuffs, threesomes, and some very naughty jokes. Certainly the Doris Day act (I knew her biblically, before she was a virgin), sweet act works when having tea with the grandparents, but bitchy and demanding all the while treating you like a king in bed is what most men are craving. There is something about that tough/sexy combination that leaves men with their tongues hanging out. Think Danica Patrick and her race car driving, butt kicking stance, all the while posing for Playboy. Her Superbowl ad won the TIVO award for the most downloads.

Bad

On Chastity (bono that is), sex fetishes and why there may be trany hookers in your neighbourhood

French maid www.sexwithsue.com

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090612/ap_on_en_tv/us_people_chastity_bono

Chastity

Another week as a sex therapist, and more visits from all kinds trying to find their way in a sexually varied world. Between the adulterys, the limp dicks, the libido strugglers, the horny hoards, and the fetish guys, there really is an amazing variety of sexual deviation in your average community.  People can be so troubled by their desires. Maybe I just don’t get what the big deal is, but I really live with an attitude of “live and let live”.  I’m always taken aback when someone judges my behaviour (usually without asking me my side of it,), and I live a middle class, heterosexual, more or less mainstream life. Okay with a few quirks and kinks, but that’s my point- everyone has a few. I’m curious, but am aware of this whole group of people that have sexual needs that occasionally we bump into.

My aunt lives just off Church (near Wellsley ) in Toronto and takes her walk around the block talking to the plenary of tranny hookers  that ply their trade in those 2 blocks. They work the sex trade to save enough money to get a sex change operation (or at least pay for the hormones, lipo, and all those cool 50’s pin up clothes that they wear). You would be amazed at the numbers of straight business men client that use their services on the way home from work.  Remember, everyone has something sexually that they keep hidden. I got thinking about them as I was reading this week about Chastity Bono (daughter of Sonny Bono and Cher – pictured above) who is having a sex change operation.

“Chastity Bono is having a sex change to become a man. A spokesman for Bono, born a girl to Sonny and Cher, says he “has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity” and began the sex-change process earlier this year. Publicist Howard Bragman said Bono is proud of his decision and hopes “that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue.”

Here is a kid who has had their own challenges and is finding their way. The current thinking is that a flurry of the opposite hormones flooding the baby’s brain in utero at a key development time during the first trimester of pregnancy causes a child born one sex, to see themselves and think of themselves as the other gender. So Cher would have had a rush of male testosterone practically before she knew she was pregnant. Something else to blame on Mothers. This isn’t how sexual fetish develops however. Each and every guy I’ve ever met with a strong fetish (and I come across them weekly) can pinpoint the time in early adolescence when they were sexually aroused by feet, hair, rope, dominate women, a certain type of lingerie, rubber or the like. You can’t fix it or cure it, you can just help someone manage it as part of theirr life.  When I have am again reminded of the trials of being sexually out of step, I’m encouraged to help (if I can) and encourage people to remember that they are not alone.

Obama and sex. Why the new President will make the US a safer place to be a little kinky

www.sexwithsue.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.schoolofsquirting.com

http://marriage.about.com/od/celebritymarriages/p/barackobama.htm

excerpts of the Sex Rebel book are available

ObamaLike many people around the globe I watched the swearing in and inaugural speech of Barack Obama this morning. I wish him well, hope he lives long enough to fulfill his mandate. Lord knows his job will get very difficult starting tomorrow.  His quote about “imagination has joined with a common purpose”, and his stand on tolerance, diversity and open-mindedness is more than refreshing.  One of the things that I see as a marriage therapist is how connected he and Michelle seem to be. I think they show people how loving, two people in a fish bowl can still be, while maintaining their integrity. I’m sure deep down they fall into the Ethical Hedonist model of hot sex. I’m a big believer that great marriages are a gift to everyone else around them, and it will be interesting to see if they can remain as connected despite the enormous pressures. I’m hopeful.

“When he leaned into Michelle as she wrapped her arms around him from behind after the New Hampshire loss, when she cradles his face in her expressive hands while kissing him, with every dap and nuzzle and palpable vibe between them, “you see love onstage,” said Harriette Cole of Ebony, the first in a long line of popular magazines to certify the two as a “hot couple.” All in all, a wholesome package as Barack and Michelle make America cool and marriage cool by making both sexy, or at least ready for their close-up.”

The other thing that I am am convinced in the American world of the right and the far right is an open tolerance to a plenary of sexual differences. He came out against California’s ant-gay marriage law, and after 8 years of Bush preaching abstinence-only education we may see a decline in teenage birth rates as we put forward a common sense, reality based education platform. The world seemed more tolerant today. Let’s hope that message of “unclench your fist and take my hand” will continue.

Long Distance Love affairs or the new world of web cam sex

Long_distance I have a girlfriend who in the midst of the craziness of internet dating, and has been for awhile. She says her experiences have become fodder for a book, but what I find interesting is how she can manage to keep the spark at such distances. She tells me she’s had relationships with men in Kentucky, London, Nigeria, Turkey, Italy, and all over the US and Canada.

She’s traveled to Istanbul, New York, and last week, had a guy from California fly 2000 miles simply to take her for dinner. Now she’s over 50, has struggled to keep her figure at times, and although attractive, isn’t stunning. A great woman for the right guy, but she wouldn’t describe herself as “barbie-like”. She’s just willing to open herself up to potential relationships, and is doggedly persistence in her search for a real guy. I asked her about the appeal, and how does she stay interested after hours logged on?

She said that “the webcam helps alot, and the erotic chat is surprisingly hot.” And with the great technology of MSN, skype, and now these new high definition web cams, it’s almost as good as the real thing. Well almost…

I’ve long believed that long distance relationships only work when you have a set date that you know it will end.  You can endure much, if you know the end is in sight. Anything else is Hell.

So with my love away from me this week (not to fear, we are way ahead on the New Year’s Resolution of 300 boffs), I’m hooking up my new webcam and watching my nipples turn this slightly mottled color of thousand of flesh-like pixels. Now if I could just figure out how to plug in this wireless vibrator into the mix, it really could be almost like the real thing. Longdistance3

 

 

 

 

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