You may think of sex toys as somewhat limited and personal. You think of the most basic toys that men and women can use to satisfy themselves, but would rarely use on each other. This is a popular thought process for people who have never actually gone to a store like Adam & Eve to look through different sex toys and accessories, and explanations on how and when to use them. What you’ll find if you do start exploring these things is that the term “sex toys” is actually extremely broad and can mean a number of different things. In fact, new toys are always coming out, and there are overall almost innumerable ways to have fun in bed with toys! Using some of these toys may be just what your relationship needs for some revitalization, so here are a few words on some of the newer and hotter sex toys out there:

• For Men – One highly reviewed new toy out there is the Super Sucker 2.0 Vibrating Stroker, a masturbation-enhancing toy that is said to feel more lifelike and stimulating than any of its predecessors. This can be a useful toy for men on their own, and is also recommended for couples during sex play, as it can still enhance male pleasure in certain couple scenarios.

• For Women – The Jack Rabbit Vibrator has hit sex toy stores as essentially the most advanced and thoroughly pleasing vibrator stimulator on the market. As women who have used this product will tell you, the jack rabbit vibrator has a more diverse array of stimulants than anything before it, making it a good buy for women, whether they wish to use it alone or with their respective partners.

Canadians pride ourselves on being socially liberal and tolerant of a variety of lifestyles. We’ve been through gay marriage, marijuana challenges, bigamy, and the repeal of the abortion laws in the last few decades. Although we struggle to find that middle group of social mores we have arguably been schizophrenic on controversial subjects. We have wishy washy laws that don’t appear to be enforced. Marijuana isn’t decriminalized, but walk through any city park in the evening and note the patches of fragrant smoke. The bigamy laws have been recently upheld as long as you are not officially claiming to be married to more than one person. Having ten ‘girlfriends’ all living with you in openly sexual relationships and parenting all of your children is completely legal. But nothing illustrated this convoluted middle ground better than our prostitution laws. Sex for money is not in the Criminal Code of Canada. Talking about sex for money, or open solicitation is. We understand it’s the oldest profession, and we understand that it’s completely accessible, but we don’t believe in talking clearly about the transaction.
The Canadian prostitution laws have been openly ridiculous for a long time. Read the back pages of any tabloid or the yellow pages and you’ll find extensive listings of escorts along with detailed catch phrases outlining their sexual specialties. I’ve seen sandwich boards outside massage parlors offering up a price list and menu of sexual services in downtown Toronto. If we really had an appetite to enforce the laws against the open sex trade in Canada this would have been an obvious starting point.
And up until recently we haven’t had a revamp of Canada’s prostitution laws despite it being long overdue. A year ago that changed when the current prostitution laws were deemed unconstitutional after being tested by three Toronto area sex workers. The Government of Canada appealed, and today the Ontario Court of Appeal offered up a typically Canadian mixed ruling on Canadian prostitution laws. It is still considered completely legal to take money for sex, but activities such as negotiating value, open solicitation and living off the avails (pimping) are still illegal and in the Canadian Criminal Code. Interestingly, the bawdy house or brothel law was struck down by the Court of Appeals. The right to safely work inside was deemed more pressing than our distaste for having houses of ill repute popping up. But don’t look for a Nevada Chick Ranch coming soon to a neighbourhood near you. The court gave the Government a year before the ban on brothels comes into play.
I’m confident that well within that year the Conservative Government will appeal again, this time to the Supreme Court of Canada. It buys politicians another year at least. And with no appetite to let judges determine social policy in Canada, and a political base with entrenched traditional values, the Conservatives will have a hard time living with the new Ontario rules. As with many Canadian rulings, neither side feels like they can claim victory. But in this case it may actual solve the legal problem that was originally presented. It’s been our collective shame that by not looking at these laws we have made it easy for predators such as BC’s William Picton to prey on a vulnerable group of women. Statistically there are not many serial killers around but of those there are half of them kill prostitutes. By not addressing this problem we were guaranteeing more women (like those missing in Alberta or on northern BC’s Highway of Tears) will be without any options. By keeping pimping and exploitation illegal, it keeps the laws enforceable for any underage or international sex trade, while allowing women who decide for whatever reason to do this for a job, an opportunity to do it safely.

Someone asked me this week about the most common sexual problems that I see in my office. Certainly low libido tops the list. 1 in 3, and 10% of men struggle with a decreased appetite for sex. Beyond sex drive challenges, issues around painful intercourse (dyspareunia, vaginismus and vulvadynia), the next common issue is challenges around reaching orgasm.

I offered up this list to three patients this week who have had trouble climaxing. Beyond a good vibrator (and I like the 110 volt massagers like the Hitachi Magic Wand, or the Wahl massagers), privacy, clearing your mind and a partner who knows how to use their tongue (along with fingers) what’s a woman to try in order to get there?

Here is my list:
1. Make sure it isn’t medication interfering. Birth Control pills, anti-depressants etc. interfere. Try the Elixir or Wellbutrin brands if you need your mood medication not to interfere with your sex drive.

2. Orgasm cream- I like the Pink, Kama Sutra, or Oh My brands of menthol and L’Arginine to open up blood vessels and help you climax.

3. Consider a clitoral hood piercing. I know it seems scary (and let me tell you it did hurt- but all is well). And yes I really do have one. If I can do it, you can too. They really increase the sensitivity.I don’t quite reach orgasm climbing stairs, but it helps get you there more quickly and easily. Write me at sue@sexwithsue.com of you want any more specifics as it’s not something I’m ready to blog about. But I’ll give you the skinny.

4. A new shower head. Most women can climax in the hot tub if they have the time and privacy. The shower head let’s you get there quickly. If you haven’t tried it $20 at Home Depot and you’re spending far, far more time in the bathtub.

5. The new Intensity vibrators. I love them. They have an electrical current that runs through them as you are being stimulated clitorally. It helps increase blood flow and tighten up the PC muscles. The effect is almost too intense, but the orgasms are powerful.

For men, the creams help, cooling the bedroom temperature helps, and adding a small amount of vibration behind your testicles (on against your prostate either outside or inside) helps as well. Let me know if you have any questions as most orgasm problems can be solved quickly, by phone, for less than the cost of getting your car repaired.

John Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Pierre Trudeau, and now old Newt would like to live like King Kamaya Maya and have multiple partners while they conquer the world. And I don’t think its only high end politicians who have this urge. I have men all day saying that they really, honestly try not to succumb to the next swaying hips that walk on by. They really love their wives and don’t want to chase hot waitresses. I’ve had men ask me for a pill to turn down their sex drive as it’s getting in the way of work, kids and life in general. The truth is that there is no such pill. I also believe that men are tempted easily. Maybe its a million years of evolution, or maybe all guys are just dogs, but heads will turn. And sometimes hands will wander.

So what do you do? A willing partner at home helps. But for loads of men (especially successful men), its not enough. The European men I know don’t understand what all the fuss is about. They simply have mistresses, and culturally everyone seems to get that. So what about an open marriage?

The Walrus book about snagging a Type A man, suggests that smoking cigars, being mysterious and turning a blind eye occasionally is the answer. I’m not sure. I think there is an inherent risk when your partner is having romantic interludes it can be threatening. Everything from lunches, seductions or just an occasional body fluid exchange at the pay-by-the-hour motels, puts the intimacy of your relationship at risk. Your partner is giving attention to someone else, and the possibility of emotional attachment is high. I think a better solution may be to play together. Set out the rules, keep everything in the open and be sexy together. This may mean simply having an affair with your partner. It may mean accompanying him to the local rub and tug and watching. It may be dancing with other couples at a sexy night club. Or even visiting the local swing club in your neighborhood. Although that’s probably not an option for the Gingrich’s. Couples who play in a sexy way (everything from visiting the local nude beach to full on swing parties) tend to have a much, much, much lower divorce rate (see The Lifestyle book by Terry Gould for the stats).

So should women married to powerful men (or any other wandering guy) turn a blind eye? Or should they they have the attitude that “if you can’t beat them, you should join them?” Or that it isn’t fair that the men have all the fun? What I do know is that marriages need passion to thrive. And men need newness in some form or another. You draw your own conclusions. And despite Mrs. Newt’s blank barbie-like stare in the above photo she’s thought to be a nice person by the pundits on Capital Hill. I hope she finds happiness in her marriage for the Presidential candidate. Psychological theory about people not changing suggests that unless there is something to keep him sexually focused Newt will be on him looking for the next shiny thing once the bloom is off the rose.

INSTRUCTIONS: Listed below are several statements that concern the topic of sexual relationships. Please read each item carefully and decide to what extent it is characteristic of you. Some of the items refer to a specific sexual relationship. Whenever possible, answer the questions with your current partner in mind. If you are not currently dating anyone, answer the questions with your most recent partner in mind. If you have never had a sexual relationship, answer in terms of what you think your responses would most likely be. Then, for each statement fill in the response on the answer sheet that indicates how much it applies to you by using the following scale:
A = Not at all characteristic of me.
B = Slightly characteristic of me.
C = Somewhat characteristic of me.
D = Moderately characteristic of me.
E = Very characteristic of me.

1. I am confident about myself as a sexual partner.
2. I think about sex all the time.
3. My sexuality is something that I am largely responsible for.
4. I am very aware of my sexual feelings.
5. I feel anxious when I think about the sexual aspects of my life.
6. I’m very assertive about the sexual aspects of my life.
7. I am depressed about the sexual aspects of my life.
8. I wish I was more sexually open.
9. I am somewhat afraid of being sexual with my partner.
10. I think sex is boring and doesn’t fulfill me
11. I am very satisfied with the way my sexual needs are currently being met.
12. I am a pretty good sexual partner.
13. I think about sex more than anything else.
14. There is so much more I would like to do sexually
15. The sexual aspects of my life are determined in large part by my own behavior.
16. I’m very aware of my sexual motivations.
17. I’m strongly motivated to devote time and effort to sex.
18. I’m not very direct about voicing my sexual preferences.
19. I am disappointed about the quality of my sex life.
20. I’m very concerned with how others evaluate the sexual aspects of my life.
21. I tend to be preoccupied with sex.
22. There are sexual things I would like to do that my partner doesn’t know about.

Scoring
The answers are coded so that A = 0; B = 1; C = 2; D = 3; and E = 4.

I’ve long preached the idea that you need to market yourself on the dating market the way you would market yourself for a job. People don’t marry the boy next door anymore. I think Kearns has a fun and easy way of expressing herself and the chapters flow well. However, I don’t think she gives enough nitty-gritty project management, check-list style ideas on meeting that Mr. Right. I think the concept can go further with templates, action items and timelines.

The good news is that it can help you clarify what you want. I had just finished a Salon article about why smart black women aren’t marrying (the same could be said of French Canadian or Native women) have a gander at

http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/09/04/marriage_and_race_interview/

I think Shopping for Mr. Right can help women turn that corner in their head for women who are stuck. The book at times threatens to become a little too pat and cheesy but for women who have realized that the man of their dreams isn’t waiting for them between work and the grocery store it can give you a framework to get started. My download program – How to meet the love of your live in 3 months or less can help if you are really serious. In the meantime, a short exert from Shopping for Mr. Right may be a better purchase than those new shoes.

A little squeamish

Dear Squeamish,

That’s a great question. Men have even more nerve endings in their rectal area than women. The prostate is the male G Spot and can be the source of intense sexual feelings. Most men find stimulation on the perineum (sometimes called the t’aint) which is the area between the back of the testicals and the anus. Pressure on the outside can really be intense and gentle internal touch can absolutely blow his mind. It doesn’t mean that he’s gay, it very normal to want a trusted partner to help you reach those sensations. Here are the rules about prostate stimulation which I’ve gotten from Pauline- the expert who is responsible for 10,000 prostate orgasms. The whole audio/video package is at my site at www.sexwithsue.com. Anyway, Pauline says:

Keep your nails short and buy a box of rubber gloves.
Use canola oil (the kind from the grocery store as it has the best consistency).
Give him an all over massage first and relax him.
Start playing with his testicals and massaging the perineum.
Put your gloved fingers inside feeling for what feels like a walnut closer to his belly button.
Touch there and use your other hand to stroke his erection.
Continue while watching him, and get ready for his intense orgasm.

If he wants to go further check out the bend over boyfriend package on my sexwithsue.com site.

Probably apocryphal, but Neal Armstrong is reputed to have muttered the words “Good luck, Mr. Goldstein” after his storied “one giant step for mankind” statement. When asked about it he refused to explain until recently, stating that he had been waiting until all parties involved were dead. The story goes that when he was a little boy he heard shouting from the window of his next door neighbors, the Goldsteins. “Oral sex?” yelled Mrs. G. “You want oral sex? I’ll give you oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!’

For many couples it goes with that joke about the woman smiling on her wedding night. She was happy because she had given her last blowjob. According to the phone sex records and the latest stats I’ve heard from the people I know in the escort industry but oral sex is the most common service requested of your local rub and tug parlor. And if your neighborhood is anything like mine, the local “jack Shacks” (massages with happy endings) are on every street corner.

So what do you do if oral sex isn’t your thing? It is a bit of quid pro quo and you should consider doing things to make it more palatable. This includes chocolate sauce (or my fav maple syrup), and treating the penis like an ice cream cone. Shower before having sex and making sure your partner stay away from tart/bitter foods at least 90 minutes preceding sex. in my house gin and tonics are only on the menu when Spif is traveling alone. Finally using loads of warm flavored oils on your hands (and a little tongue) makes it easier to stimulate that area without actually having to feel like you need to deep throat. It’s the combination of hands and mouth simulating the vagina that drives most men crazy. Either way it’s an important skill to have if you insist on being your partner’s only sexual outlet. Giving it up for Lent or longer just isn’t fair. I hope Mrs. G realized it before it was too late.

L.

Dear L,

As women we often wonder about what is the big deal about producing loads of ejaculate (cum) when a man finally climaxes. It means more mess down the inside of your leg and it has nothing to do with orgasm- at least ours.

The truth is that an increased amount of semen is great for a few things. Apparently the more fluid men pump out the better their orgasms feel. It improves their fertility, and most guys feel more masculine. What’s interesting is that women start to crave semen if you haven’t had it in awhile. The prostoglandins in male ejaculate help our improve mood, and increase our desire if swallowed or absorbed into the walls of the vagina. The women who’s men produce loads seem to like it.

So how do you improve it?

There are a couple of products that claim to increase the amount by 100-110%. One called Semenex claims to be the best and it’s “all natural”. I looked and looked (in fact sent an email to the company that makes it) asking for an ingredient list. I also looked for non-sales pages of people who tried it. The fact is that there are no studies that support their claims. So I can’t give you a straight answer. And so can’t any of those hyped websites.

What I do know in researching female ejaculate for my book Quivering Jello (see www.sexwithsue.com) is that the more stimulation you have WITHOUT ejaculating the more fluid you can produce. I personally have squirted over a cup and have seen some women gush more than a litre (milk bag). What I know is that for me, it’s like breast feeding. The more I was stimulated, the more fluid I made. Given that the prostate is a male G spot and makes up most of the seminal fluid it stands to reason that if you get turned on but don’t cum over a long period of time (and on a regular basis), when you finally do come you should have volumes to send out. The average amount is 10 cc’s of fluid (named by the band and that of The Loving Spoonful) as an accurate description in the amount of fluid.

If I hear from the pill manufacturers, I’ll write about it here and on my www.lovetalkforum.com site.

Erection problems can be improved if you do some work and minimize the obvious causes.

The seven leading causes of erectile dysfunction are:

1. Diabetes

2. High blood pressure mediation

3. Anti depressants

4. High cholesterol

5. Smoking and Drinking

6. Prostate problems

7. Hormonal imbalances

There is a new study just out this week that talks about how losing just 5% of your body weight will improve your erection in 8 weeks.

“The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a new study which explains that improved erectile function, sexual desire and lower urinary tract symptoms are enhanced by weight loss in obese men with type 2 diabetes.” I suggest cutting your carb intake by 60%. You can also use an erection ring, and start doing keegal exercises (where you hold the muscle in that starts and stops the flow of urine)

The study goes on to say:
” “This important paper supports earlier publications that lifestyle is relevant and can positively affect sexual function.

At a time when oral drugs are very popular, it can now be shown that weight loss is an important non-pharmacologic therapeutic intervention in restoring erectile and urinary function and cardio-vascular health. Obesity is an epidemic, and such data reinforce the positive relationship between eating right, losing weight, improved sexual function and voiding and overall cardiovascular health.”

I have been seeing some commonalities in the libido patients who have come to my office. Smart, savvy women who self identify as “being in fantastic relationships” struggling with low libido.

They come to me so frustrated that nothing has worked up to now. Man of them talk to me about seeing their doctors who suggest that “It’s normal to have no sex drive, you have kids”. Or “take a holiday and it will all be fine.” Well it’s rarely fine and these women think about their lack of desire as a failure and find themselves obsessing about how to fix it.

The truth is that with some women relationships or emotional/psychological reasons impact their sexual feelings. However I’m seeing strong, sane women who are newlyweds still very much sexually attracted to their husbands. I’m seeing women who describe their marriages as “a 9 out of 10”. They love their husbands and don’t know why they rarely get in the mood.

I’m convinced it’s physical or organically based. Few of the women in my office feel what I call “the squoogies”. These feeling are the butterflies, that sensation of horniness or wiggly feelings of a need for sexual fulfillment.

I’ve been seeing some trends lately. I’ve asked these women to provide me with a blood work analysis from their doctors. The challenge is that most physicians don’t test younger women for hormones, and libido is the micro management or tweaks to find that sweet spot of abundant health where the libido returns. Most doctors don’t have the training, time or resources to figure out the formula.

And the longer I’m a sex therapist the more I know that everyone is unique and there is no “one size fits all”. The commonalities I’m seeing include food allergies or gastrointestinal sensitivities. Other common characteristics include history of being on the oral contraceptive, and/or anti depressants, along with a confirmed elevated cortisol level. Cortisol and adrenal are the two of the major hormones that regulate stress. If animals are stressed, they rarely go into heat. Which is why if 85% of North American adults are chronically stressed, why are we so surprised when the libido is missing?

Women have to become advocates for their own health. It doesn’t work for marriages on a long term basis to be without sex. I did my thesis on the question of “what happens when couples stop having sex?” It turns out they start to feel like roommates or “friends that co-parent”. The long suffering partners also feel like exploding and often feel they have no choice but to look for outlets outside of the marriage.

So here is what I recommend for couples struggling in this cycle.

1. Get a copy of your blood work including your adrenal, cortisol, thyroid, insulin, DHEA, testosterone, progesterone, estrogen levels.
2. Start immediately on some desiccated adrenal supplements (2 capsules twice a day).
3. Add some high quality Omega 3 capsules or oil. I like Udo’s oil or Jamieson capsules. I recommend (brace yourself) upwards of 8 to 10,000 mg a day. That a lot of flax or fish oils.
4. I encourage a multi vitamin with at least 30mg of zinc, and 240 mg of chromium.
5. I add 3000 mg of evening Primrose oil daily to my patients.
6. Followed by 300 mg of magnesium/glycinate.
7. Decrease the amount of carbohydrates you eat and increase the protein.
8. Get yourself a good vibrator like a Hitachi magic wand that plugs in for increased power. I also suggest buying some tickling panties or a small low level vibrator you can insert into your underwear for a few hours before sex.
9. If you are not already GET OFF THE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS, and look for a barrier method of contraception.
10. Plan a weekly date night where you have lots of privacy, lead time and anticipation of a sensuous evening. Consider your date nights as important as a doctor’s appointment.
11. Take 3 oz (1/3 of a bar) of 85% or higher dark chocolate and 1 glass of RED wine an hour before your date night. You can also use your vibrating panties to get in the mood about an hour in advance of sex.
12. I always suggest using a silicone lube for any kind of sexual encounter. If it hurts you are less likely to want it again.
13. Ask your doctor to consider monitoring you on 0.6% progesterone cream from day 10 to the end of your cycle. I rub it in before bed and it helps me sleep better.
14. You also need about 25mg of DHEA daily. In Canada it is a prescription medication, but in the US you can buy it over the counter. The rules about hormones are this:
a. You always test.
b. You try and use bio identical hormones if they are available at your pharmacy
c. You never use more than you need
d. You test again.
e. Make sure you keep a baseline of your blood work. It will make working with your doctor and understanding your body so much easier.
14. 5HTP, CLA, Vitamin D (4,000 ,g from September to May), and 40 mg of Vitamin B12 I take in addition to the multi vitamin.
15. With couples who have been struggling for awhile I also add two activities.
a. The first, I suggest they use a signal to initiate sex, Think about tugging on your ear, using a code word or some external trigger that let’s your partner know that sex is on your mind. That way nobody gets pushed away.
b. The second activity I suggest is non-genital touch for a couple of minutes 3 times a week. Couples who aren’t having sex often don’t cuddle as much for fear of turning on the other partner. Gentle, non-sexual touch is critical for keeping marriages connected.

If none of this works – or it feels too overwhelming to do on your own then call me for an appointment. No matter where you are, I can do a phone, webcast. skype appointment that will take serious steps to re-claiming your libido.
This IS NOT the mountain you have to live your life on, and we can get back that sexy girl you used to be.
Find me at www.sexwithsue.com, (613) 355-1786 or suem@rogers.com

When I met Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed last summer when KISS was in town for Bluesfest. He was definitely checking out the boobs of all the women present. Well so was every other heterosexual man there so that’s nothing new. He is a legendary Lothario, even if he’s been in a relationship with Shannon for 28 years and they have a couple of kids. Super sexual, smart and powerful there is a new word to describe these guys – it’s a walrus.

The fabulous Fates book about the Walrus – personality traits of powerful and successful men that almost never involves monogamy. It’s part of their persona to be still conquering women – despite the circumstance. Line them up and bend them over as Spif will often tell me. Simmons recently proposed to Tweed on Family Jewels. He said he would never do it, and the reviews aren’t sure it isn’t just ratings stunt.

So what exactly are the traits of a walrus? Here is the fates description:

Think about a successful self-made industrialist, entrepreneur, politician, superstar and sports hero have in common? These male media mavericks and megastars love women; they are highly promiscuous. They love sex, they want sex and they need sex. They always get sex and lots of it! Is there a biological reason for this behavior? Have you ever wondered whether a self-made man or a man with inherited wealth would make the better husband, lover, colleague or friend? Perhaps, because of this attention, you have considered spending mega bucks on yourself to impress him. Do you think it may win him over? Do you think you could profit from his interest? Would he lend you money for your new venture or pay off your debt? High profile, powerful and dominant men can even get away with murder, impeachment and lying under oath with no remorse or ramifications. These men are the movers, makers, shakers and takers. The Walrus Theory is a metaphor comparing the promiscuous dominant man and the walrus in nature. Its insatiable appetites for sex and survival, its bachelor-like habits, its hunger for multiple mates and its need for togetherness are extremely similar. There are these and many other similarities between the white-tusked wanderer of the sea and the promiscuous dominant man. We have coined the term Walrus to describe these types of men.

Having met Gene and being a secret (okay not-so-secret) watcher (Can you rock ‘n roll all night?) of his show he is a great example of the Walrus. George Clooney, Bill Clinton, Hugh Hefner to name a few. Powerful, sexual and have women dropping at their feet. Even if they are as physically unattractive as I find Gene Simmons to be. Like walruses, they’ve got something going on.

The stats says that over 90% of women have faked an orgasm at one point in our lives. Half of women doing it regularly. Seriously. So if 90% of us have done it the question is why and how can a partner know if the climax she’s just had is the real thing?

I had a patient yesterday who was in her early 50′s. She’s never had an orgasm in her life, shuts down and wants to get better in bed. What struck me was that she had no understanding of her own body. I think women can be as clueless as men when it comes to understanding their own bodies.

So women fake orgasms because:
1. They don’t want to hurt our feelings. The male ego is a fragile thing. And most women understand that. Although it slams the door on her own pleasure, women know that men fall in love with how they make them feel.

2. It’s hard to come. And the last thing you want is the apres sex grilling. Did you come? How about now? So rather than have a man keep pounding at her until she’s chafing, it’s just easier to pretend.  The average woman dries up after 12-15 minutes. If you’re doing the marathon without lube then it feels like me banging my hand on the top of your penis. It feels okay for the first 10 minutes, and after that it hurts.

3. She is too inhibited and fears losing control
You know the type. Your face twists up like Whistler’s mother when you climax and good sex is sweaty, messy with lots of noises and fluids. If she’s hung up on what she looks like and can’t let go for some reason (sometimes past bad experiences play a role). This certainly is an issue for G spot orgasm. Women who hold on too tightly can’t press their vaginal wall down low enough for you to access the G Spot.

4. Worried. You know how that feels. Concern about STI’s, oh-my-God-please-don’t-let-me-get-pregnant, or that someone may come in and find you can hold back orgasms. Some women need the perfect space to relax enough to come.

5. Uncertain about how to reach orgasm.
Unlike men who have easy access to their penis, women are sometimes equally as perplexed as men when it comes to the female body. Men grow up masturbating at a young age. But many women don’t learn about masturbation until well into their 20s, and even then it’s a complicated situation. Between the G-spot, the clitoris, vibrators, fingers, and everything else that’s going on, women often don’t even know how to make themselves reach orgasm, much less tell someone else how to do it.

6. She’s not getting enough stimulation.
I tell men that vaginal sex feels like me playing with their testicles. The same sensation, the same nerve endings. The clit and the penis are exactly the same  in terms of sensation. If she’s having intercourse without getting her clit played with, it feels good but there is no way she can come. And if she doesn’t feel safe enough to ask for a vibrator to use then it’s just a walk in the woods without getting to the other side.

So how do you know if she’s actually climaxed?

1. She may get a sex flush across the top of her breasts and belly. Anything from turning pink to what looks like a rash that suddenly appears.

2. Her vulva changes color. It goes from a light pink to a almost purple when there is enough blood flow for orgasm.

3.Internal contractions happen at regular intervals and are involuntary. Like a pulse for 30 seconds.

4. She pushes you away. Like when the stimulation continues after you come, sensation after climax can feel almost painful on the clit. If she doesn’t need a minute of something else to recover then I doubt she’s had a clitoral orgasm.

5. The gush. Even after menopause there is an increase in fluid with orgasm. It’s damn near impossible to fake wetness (unless she has a bottle of lube hidden that you can’t see). So a significant increase in wetness coupled with any of the other signs means you’ve hit it out of the park.

My ex-husband had size 13 or 14 shoes. I took a bunch of ribbing at my bridal shower about his perceived dick size based on the size of his feet. Well he was no slouch in that department, it wasn’t the shoe size that was indicative of his penis size. It was the ratio between his ring and index finger.

It has long been understood that the fourth finger has to do with the amount of testosterone in utero a man receives. The ring finger is connected to genitals and hormones for acupressure, and it is the ratio of ring finger to index finger (pointer) that means he’s well endowed. The goal is to have a very low ratio – or hope that your index finger and ring finger are not too different in size.

The Korean study done by Dr. Tae Beom Kim of Korea’s Gachon University check the hands and penis’s of men going for surgery.  He concluded that the ring finger to index finger ration can accurately predict adult penile size.

But there are ways around it. In my package on penis size i discuss ways to increase the size of your schlong. There are now devices on the market that can increase the size up to 40%. If braces can move teeth in bone, than some of the yank devices can stretch your penis to be significantly longer. You must wear the devices for up to 6 hours a day over 6 month and you’ll have a permanent change. Some of the pumps can be effective as well in changing penis size.

Or you can get a modified glove that shows off your low index/ring finger ratio to the best advantage. I’m certainly looking more at men’s hands than I used to.  Try it and let me know.

For budding sex therapists The University of Guelph is Ontario’s “sex school”. Every year they have a sexuality conference that was “a must attend” when I was studying to be a sex therapist.

Guelph just put out an interesting paper about why men and women cheat.

Women (it turns out) cheat because their relationship needs are being met. I always say that women cheat for attention (and excitement), men cheat for the sex (and excitement). Women will also cheat if they feel the sex doesn’t “work”. I had a patient last week who said that she craved sex with a new partner because her husband was too big and he hurt her during intercourse. She wanted a partner that “fit better”.

The new study supports this and adds some new insights.

People who aren’t sure their performance in bed is living up to their partner’s expectations are more likely to cheat, a new study says.

Researchers at the University of Guelph in Ontario and Indiana University found men who are risk-takers or easily sexually aroused are also more likely to wander, while for women, relationship issues are stronger predictors of unfaithfulness.

“Few studies on infidelity have gone beyond exploring demographics,” University of Guelph professor Robin Milhausen said in a release about the study, which was recently published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour.

“This research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought — that personality matters more, especially for men.”

Milhausen said the study showed men who become aroused easily or are anxious about their performance are more likely to cheat.

“People might seek out high-risk situations to help them become aroused, or they might choose to have sex with a partner outside of their regular relationship because they feel they have an ‘out’ if the encounter doesn’t go well — they don’t have to see them again,” Milhausen said.

So if you want to discourage your partner not to cheat here are the rules.

1. Open email and phone logs. Don’t be afraid to show your partner your phone history or hesitate about keeping that transparent.

2. tell your partner they are good in bed. Do things to keep up the excitement.

3. Romance, touch and insist on “attentive date nights”.

4. Keep money trails open. trouble comes up with separate accounts that you can’t track.

5. Think about light play – ie strip poker with other couples, nude beaches or romantic holidays with group hot tubs. It keeps things just inside the line, but spices it up.