Like most people I know, I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on my computer. Lately it's been looking up interesting "hook up websites" so I can be in the know with my patients. Nothing worse than being the expert who isn't hip to the next, new thing. As Andrew Tress says in his new book Decoding Love, "The way we find love now is crazy" Imagine how insane our current system to find love would look to an anthropologist from Mars. We lavish vast amounts of time, effort and money on the search. But, despite our best efforts, almost half of us will end up divorcing that same person we worked so hard to find. And then we will begin the search all over again. We are, mad for love".
For men I see as patients there never seems to be a break from the searching. After millions of years of evolution, and "a biological need to seek the next new woman", men I speak to are lamenting the need for mistresses. married or not, they all want more on the side. Some just want variety, some want to play sexually, some aren't getting enough sex, but there is always interest in finding out new and proven ways to meet sex partners. Maybe i'm just getting the guys with too much testosterone, but I don't think so. Men really want to please but so many of them are dogs.
As for finding a partner, you can try the bars if you are a young guy. My own opinion is that women over the age of 25 who hang out in bars regularly likely have a drinking problem. Nice girls, horny girls, and approachable women, are at the gym, in coffee shops, taking wine pairing classes, and are online.
And new research by two Iowa State University sociologists has found that older adults who are turning to their computers to find love — largely because of the time constraints in their busy lives — are making their desired love connections.
"In many cases, there are some real structural forces that encourage the support and use of these technologies," said Cast. "And one of them is just structural constraints on people's time — such as people who have kids, or have full-time jobs, or work long or extensive hours. "But the people who are doing the actual searching may look at it as a way to be incredibly serious about the process. And one of the things we found was that, indeed, their courtship periods are shorter."
That means women are busy, and this study shows that the time it takes to score is remarkably shorter online. Maybe not shorter than the closing time "will you sleep with me?" pitch. But you are far less likely to get your face slapped online.
So what are the best sites?
Certainly www.ashleymadison.com, www.adultfriendfinder.com, and www.lavalife.com are popular. The free sites, (that I call the Giant Tiger or Kmart dating areas) like www.okcupid.com, or www.plentyoffish.com are popular. However you have to wade through a bunch of "fish with issues" before finding the right occasional partner. But they might be great for a "let's get it on" encounter. Finally, www.yahoopersonals.com, www.craigslist.com, and www.kijiji.com are worth checking out. Sure you can also buy a couch, get a ride to a different town, and sell your canoe, but there also may be someone there who is willing to change your oil. It's worth a try.