I don’t know if it’s the summer weather, re-runs of “The Jack Nicholson Bucket List movie” on late night television, or just feeling fed up with the same old thing, but I have had a plenary of new couples lately saying they were taking risks and asking for the sex they secretly wanted. It’s my semi annual “how to introduce a little creativity in your sex life without screwing up your relationship blog”. My patients are asking everything from adding a few toys toys to their bedroom play to how to invite the single woman next door over for some wine and naked hot tubbing???
It turns out that many couples are out and out bored with their same old sex life.
It doesn’t mean that they want to trade their partner in for a newer and improved model. Take my word for it, the grass is not necessarily greener and sometime loads more complicated when tossing your partner out with the bathwater. But if you can’t stomach missionary position Saturday night any longer than I’m offering up my ideas on making your intimate life a little more frisky.
1. In my personal opinion, most people are sexually submissive. I haven’t seen much general research on this but after being a sex therapist for 23 years my guess if that 70% of people are submissive, 20% are dominate and 10% switch back and forth. Meaning that statistically both you and your partner wants to be blindfolded, tied to the bedposts and have creative things done to them with a chicken feather. Most people love the idea of being passively (and safely) taken. Light bondage is one of the top three most common male sexual fantasies according to the updated Kinsey Report. $10 furry handcuffs, a little pink rope from Home Depot or even a joint visit to Fetlife.com to look at ads and spark the dialogue to become a little kinkier.
2. Girls love costumes. At least this girl. I am always scouting out Halloween costumes at garage sales and my dress up bins are now threatening to take over the basement. Costumes allow us to be something different and act in a way that we might not have previously. It allows us to ask for things that we might not in our regular clothes. Suggest a dress up game. Order some inexpensive costumes on line and dress up like the Flash or Wonder Woman (okay, I watch too much Big Bang). But it’s fun, and definitely erotic to role play someone you haven’t before. Pull out your harem pants and “dream of genie”.
3. Get out the camera and take some pictures. The joys of digital photography is that you can model for your sweetie without anyone being the wiser. Pictures are especially powerful for men who are consistently turned on by what they see and imagine.
4. Find a teachable moment. It’s the advice I tell parents when talking to your kids about sex. Seize the day when a hot scene comes up in a movie you are watching, or a mention happens in a magazine in the grocery line up. Talking about it a few hundred thousand times is critical (in a safe, quiet environment). Ask about their fantasies. Talk about boundaries. Understand your limits and your partner limits. Relationships can blow up if you introduce something that you haven’t discussed in GREAT detail. It’s like having sex with the lights on and your eyes open. If you are too embarrassed to show yourself sexually in a vulnerable way, you may be hesitant in trying something new. But stepping out of your comfort zone is exactly what you should try. By taking a series of smaller risks in the bedroom allows what relationship guru David Schnarch calls “wall socket sex”. It lets you be truly intimate, and makes amazing connections with your partner.
5. If you do decide that you want to try something more out there- an ad on Craig’s List, a nude beach in your neighborhood, threesome, bondage munch (a gathering of BDSM people in your town) then you really, really must take things slowly. Sit down and write up the rules of engagement. What’s cool and what’s definitely not. Have a safe word that allows you to bail immediately if your partner drops it. Read, talk, and if you are really tentatively and possibly see a sex therapist to negotiate what you both want out of the experience. A smart sex therapist will be in the know about what is happening sexually in your area. If you are stuck finding one, drop me a line and I can refer you or help you myself.
