Maybe mechanics feel this way about negligent car owners. As a Sex and Relationship Therapist I know ow much work relationships take to stay connected and sexy. Couples love each other but are too busy running in place to make their relationship a priority. Kids come, date night stops, and before you know it “you’ve lost that loving feeling”. It’s insidious. You are busy getting everyone to activities, making dinner and walking the dog. The relationship gets frayed -often badly- at the edges.
Making time and spending on your relationship is critical. After o to their grave loving someone over 23 years in private practice I’ve learned a few key truths. First as long as there is love, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Trading your partner in for a younger, sexier model isn’t always the best strategy. People can go to their grave loving someone, but they may not connect sexually very well. Or the sex can be dynamite, but living with that person may not be all that’s cracked up to be. Secondly, intimacy takes work. Unless you are taking on lovers (and newness keeps things interesting most of the time), it takes real effort to keep a love life creative and swinging from the chandeliers.
So what can you do to be your own sex therapist?
Here are my top five simple things you can do to be your own sex therapist.
1. Plan sensuous date nights at least twice a month. This means a three hour evening at home where you plan food, whipped bream, furry handcuffs or a mutual massage. It has to have a sexy component. It doesn’t mean going out to a movie with your neighbours. Unless you are taking in the movie without underwear.
2. Make sure you touch your partner regularly, look into their eyes and say “I want to be with you”. The Emotionally Focused Therapy techniques are huge in brushing away resentments and re-kindling closeness.
3. Spend some time talking about what turns you on. Check out my list of 50 erotic things to do, or go through the list of what puts you in the mood. Even after a decade you may still be surprised about what might get your partner’s engine running.
4. Do some REGULAR non-genital touch. Plan three minutes each of touch in a way that you (and your partner) enjoy. Where it is rubbing your partner’s feet over coffee in the morning, everyone needs regular touch. I suggest you structure it in at least three times a week.
5. Plan couples get-aways. I’m serious. You should be on intimate holidays at least for a weekend twice a year. I always tell my kids that just like they need time with their friends, I need time with my sweetie. Most people are under holiday’ed and that time with your partner where you can mess up some hotel’s shower or sheets can give you the kind of sex that will keep you from threatening divorce attorneys.
If these still don’t work email me at suem@rogers.com, and I’ll bring out the heavy artillery. Sex really is use it or lose it. Don’t be at risk of losing your sexuality. Now go jump your partner.
And if that doesn’t work and you need your friendly neighbourhood Sex Therapist then reach out. Let’s have the first conversation and see if I can solve the problem.
