How to get your mind into sex and away from distracting thoughts
It’s called busy brain syndrome. It’s when your mind runs a constant dialogue in your head. You know what I mean. It’s when the list of sixty-three things that you have to do is swirling around and you start obsessing while you may be trying to unplug. When it happens, you can’t ignore your action items and focus on living in the moment. It’s a huge issue I see with women sexually. In fact it’s a recurring theme among the smart, successful, and very busy women I see in my practice. These are women who spend their days checking things off their extensive to do lists. Slowing down the thinking to allow your body to catch up and sexual desire to begin to build becomes a real challenge. If you are finding yourself needing more than one glass of wine to relax for sex or find it difficult to switch gears and be intimate then you may need to learn some specific techniques that help you gear up your sexy self.
If you are busy thinking about your grocery list or pondering “beige, I can paint the ceiling beige” when your partner is spending time between your legs then it’s time to hear about sexual mindfulness. Women seem to be much more easily distracted during sex. Maybe it’s those Mommy ears, or an anxiety that someone or something may interrupt. The women I speak to wonder if there is something wrong with them. ‘Why am I thinking about that? Why am I not able to focus?'” Are you asking yourself what you can you do to stay present in the moment?
I hear from many women who feel that sex is a chore. The average Canadian couple has sex at 10:34pm. Sex is apparently something that is supposed to happen at the end of an exhausting day when couples finally manage to fall into bed. Many men have no trouble putting sex first. They tell me that everything -Christmas, field trip forms, even food are not as important as finding time to get naked together. You may have a partner for whom sex is a priority and you feel guilty for not being as into it as you think you should be. If a quality relationship is one of the most important things in our lives then why are we having so much trouble shelving the list of stuff we need to do and jumping our sweetie’s bones?
So besides exhaustion and a head full of tasks, what are some of the other things that block your body’s sexual response? Many women describe the “one moment”. The moment is when they know exactly how the sexual experience will play out before it happens – good, bad or in between. Whether the sex has a déjà vu feeling or that their partner’s techniques are repetitive, women from THAT moment onward are simply going through the motions. If women have this feeling that an orgasm won’t happen, or that their bodies are simply not going to respond they tend to check out and start thinking about other things.
What can you do to put yourself into the mood for sex? How can you get your head in the game?
I like anchoring techniques. Anchoring is the technique where you systematically put yourself in the frame of mind by remembering a time when you were feeling happy and sexy. Then you “pin” that feeling to a physical spot on your body. Snap or squeeze two of your fingers repeatedly when you are in a sexy mood. Do it again and again with emphasis and any time you squeeze your fingers again you start to immediately feel happy and sexy. You can learn to quickly bring yourself back to that mood – even if you are commencing from a cold start. Remember a time when you were turned on. Make it vivid, like a colourful movie. When you start smiling or twitching form the memory then anchor it.
I’ll also suggest a hypnotherapy tape. All hypnosis (in my opinion) is a way to access our subconscious mind and try and change that tape in our heads. I’ll help clients with messages like “I love sex with my partner”, “I feel sexy”, “I am able to calm myself and get into sex” and other scripts that specifically reflect the positive message you are trying to tell yourself. I regularly use my phone to make positive audio messages about whatever self-improvement I am working on personally.
I have one client who swears by the mind calming technique of mindful relaxation. This technique involves naming objects and cities before she gets into bed with her husband. Other women like journaling, or use rituals like a bath, candles or a massage to help them switch gears. Writing down the list of busy thoughts before heading to the bedroom can be calming. And you know that you haven’t forgotten anything so you can allow yourself to take a sex hiatus. I also suggest unplugging at least once a day. I find my anxiety can ratchet up (and my sexual desire diminish) if I am too connected to my phone.
Finally try Eckhart Tolle’s Practice of Present Moment Awareness. He suggests three steps.
Become conscious of your breathing. Don’t try to control it, just place your attention on it. Dan Harris in his great book 10% Happier calls it “getting behind the waterfall of emotion”. When you place your attention on your breath, you are no longer occupied in the mind and you become aware of the present moment. The bottom line is to drag your attention away from the mind and place it in the moment you want to be in. For this exercise it is being present sexually and noticing what that feels like. Try it. It gets easier and the result in increased orgasms and more enthusiasm for sex speaks for itself.