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The 5-step process to achieve female orgasm

For the over 15% of women who rarely achieve orgasm, sex can be a huge source of frustration.
Inability to achieve orgasm is the second most common female sexual dysfunction that Sex Therapists see clinically in their offices trailing only libido issues.1 With pat answers like “increasing the romance”, “lighting a candle” or ‘trying a new sex position for intercourse” women who can’t climax have been offered inane suggestions that haven’t resulted in sexual satisfaction. Women on the inorgasmia blogs describe feeling “shut down and confused”, or “ashamed that they don’t work properly sexually”. What women have been looking for are clear solutions in reaching climax.
There are a few new products that when coupled with current research suggestions offer up a step by step process for achieving orgasm. While there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to orgasm achievement, these suggestions sure help increase the odds. Here are five steps that women might try.

1. Women need to give themselves permission to achieve orgasm in whatever way their body needs to climax. It helps dramatically if women let go worries about what they look like, what they fantasize about or whether they are being sexual the right or wrong way. Editing your sexual thoughts go a long way to shutting down a sexual response. Women have a right to pleasure. Many women believe that the only right orgasm is one that is achieved through vaginal intercourse.
“Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse. This bears repeating: Only one-quarter of women reliably experience orgasm during intercourse-no matter how long it lasts, no matter what size the man’s penis, and no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship. This statistic comes not from just one study, but from a comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years by Elisabeth Lloyd in her fascinating book The Case of the Female Orgasm (Harvard University Press).”2

2. Adding a clitoral dilating cream (such as the Scream Cream with Sildenafil. See below for prescription) to the clitoris and labia 40 minutes before stimulation will help dilate the blood vessels in the entire genital region. It is blood flowing against nerve endings that help trigger orgasm.

3. Find something erotic. Again, there is no one size fits all but more women find story based movies or erotic literature arousing. Whatever individually appeals don’t edit it (50 Shades of Grey sold millions of copies) and allow yourself the time to become really turned on.

4. Start physically with 10 to 15 minutes of nipple stimulation. Dr. Prudence Hall of California says in her book Radiant Again and Forever that 10 minutes or more of nipple stimulation produces enough oxytocin for most women to become aroused enough to desire sex and increases the ability for most women to achieve orgasm.

5. Get a Zumio. The new Zumio is an award-winning toy and medical device that targets stimulation with pin-point accuracy. Some of the reviews about it include
“Different and more intense than anything else.”
“Wow, it sure lets me hit the right spots.”
“Mind-blowing! An orgasm in less than a minute and three in under ten!”
By understanding that each spot on your entire labia, clitoris and vaginal opening has different nerve endings, the Zumio toy can be used to target different areas. The Zumio offers both a circling motion along with vibration to help enhance blood flow to the area needed to achieve climax. Eight speed settings help women not to feel overpowered with too much sensation but also increase the intensity to extremely powerful when needed.

These steps offer up a great recipe for inorgasmia.
But there are also other ideas that troubleshoot inorgasmia. These include the application of muscle relaxants to the inside of the vaginal area to help increase blood flow. Grind up an over-the-counter Robaxin, suspend it in lube and insert it in vaginally. It helps with penetrative ease, and it also helps encourage openness of the complete vaginal area. The new Orgasm shot3 uses an injection of your own platelets (PRP) exactly where the blood supply and nerves to the G-spot lie. The spot grows in size and nerves multiply. In turn, the G-spot becomes easier to touch and delivers more sensation and an increased ability to reach orgasm.
Understanding your body and using the new technology available such as the Zumio medical device will help ensure that full orgasmic responses are available to all women.

1. http://www.healthywomen.org/condition/sexual-dysfunction
2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic
3. https://inovomedical.ca/sexual-health/o-shot/orgasm-shot-o-shot-what-is-it/


Scream Cream:

Studies have reported that over 43% of women in North America experience little to no sexual satisfaction from clitoral orgasm and only 25% acheive orgasm with intercourse. In fact, according to the studies, numerous women between 18 and 80 do not even know what an orgasm is or how it is achieved.
Whether someone is multi-orgasmic or among the 43% of women who are sexually frustrated, any woman who desires maximum sexual fulfillment, greater intimacy, and enhanced relationships stands to benefit from regular use of Scream Cream.
Unlike the over-the-counter orgasm cream you buy at the sex store, Scream Cream packs a punch. Invented by my favourite pharmacist, Scott Watson at Watsons’s Pharmacy in Ottawa. I’m giving it to women along with a high end, high vibration toy (like a magic wand or intensity), scream cream is doubling the amount of women I’m able to offer suggestions that bring women to orgasm.
Scream cream contains a combination of prescription and non-prescription components described as blood flow enhancers and vasodilators. Each ½ gram dose contains Aminophylline 15-mg, Isosorbid dinitrate 1.25 mg, Ergoloid mesylate 0.25 mg, Pentoxifylline 25 mg, and L-Arginine 30-mg. Disolved in a water based hypoallergenic transdermal vehicle (think lube). The vehicle is designed to enhance the rate of absorption and to cause the medication to be retained locally in order to maximize local effects and metabolism while minimizing the potential side effects.
Use:
Scream cream should be applied directly to the clitoris (or the penis) at least 30 minutes prior to anticipated sexual relations and gently (or vigorously ) massaged in. The duration of effect ranges from 30 minutes to 2 hours and heightens both the ease of stimulation and intensity of orgasm.
Contraindications:
Patients with a history of sensitivity to any of the ingredients should not use this product. Patients with a history of genital herpes should use this product with caution as L-Arginine may facilitate the reproduction of the herpes virus.
Scream cream is packaged in 30 multi-dose tubes.
2 or 4% sildenafil
3% L-Arginine
5% Phentoxifylline

The O shot – A Sex Therapist’s Firsthand experience

As a credible Sex Therapist I don’t refer any of my clients to other specialists, procedures, or fellow Therapists without first knowing the other professionals style and treatment plans. Any referral has to have a good likelihood of working for that specific client or I won’t attach my name to it. I value my client’s time and money, and patients pay for my expertise in the area of sexuality. I only refer to people I know, like and trust.

In the past I had sent a few clients to Montreal and Toronto to get the O shot procedure from physicians I had previously met at conferences on sexuality. My clients are women who have been struggling with lack of orgasm, decreased sensitivity and incontinence. The clients seemed happy with the results. But they were understandably anxious and there were significant costs in traveling out of town. New clients had questions about the procedure that I could only answer from the third person. I then heard that in 2017 the Orgasm or O shot was now available in my hometown of Ottawa, Ontario by Inovo Medical. They had a booth about sexual and cosmetic medicine at the Women’s Show and had great reviews from previous patients. It was time for me to go through the O shot procedure myself in order to feel like “I was walking the walk”. The other sexual procedures done at Inovo Medical include an increase in penile girth, the P shot for Peyronie’s (bend in the penis), and laser treatments for vaginal tightening.

I arranged a meeting with the chief physician at Innovo Medical, Dr. Belanger, in order to ask my questions in person and get his take on the procedure. My first meeting was actually Halloween day. The whole staff was dressed up, laughing, offering up chocolate all while being very professional. I love Halloween and chocolate so I felt the love. It was a great atmosphere with a supportive and inclusive group. I was invited to join them over lunch and the staff (including their resident physicians) were all present and engaged discussing sexual medicine. I was sold.
The O shot is defined as “The Orgasm Shot® (O-Shot®) procedure is a very specific method of using blood-derived growth factors to rejuvenate the vagina to help relieve women with urinary incontinence and sex problems.”
That’s a formal way of saying that by injecting the body’s own platelets into the vagina, G spot, vulva and urethra it encourages significant healing and increased blood flow in those areas. PRP procedure uses the body’s own healing to concentrate on areas that have been diminished. Athletes use the procedure to heal specific areas after injuries.

The O shot was designed to improve areas of Female sexual dysfunction. Besides incontinence, female sexual dysfunction can include:

• Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (usually but not always accompanies Sexual Desire Disorder). Women who suffer with this may want to have sex but have much difficulty finding the pleasure of arousal. The 5% incidence doesn’t sound like much until you think about it–that’s the same as one in 20!

• Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (Low desire). Remember, that this is not counted a disorder unless it’s disrupting the woman’s life. Around 10% of women suffer with this problem. Important: Suffering with a sexual disorder does not simply make sex not fun. Better sex leads to more energy, more creativity, increased confidence, less depression, and improved overall health.

• Female Orgasmic Disorder: Again around 1 in 20 (or 5%). Here women can become aroused but have much difficulty with orgasm. This can be so frustrating that sex becomes a frustration that they avoid.

• Dyspareunia: Here the woman suffers with real pain with sex (not from decreased lubrication or vaginal spasm). The incidence is from around 1 in 10 to 1 in 5 women. (The above shocking statistics came from Obstetrics & Gynecology April 2011)
If you experience any of those kinds of sexual dysfunction you might want to seriously consider getting an O shot. For women over 50 who are lacking in sensitivity it’s one of the most effective treatments. It’s not inexpensive, but for a one-time try the procedure costs $700. It may be a good birthday present suggestion.
The whole procedure takes about 2 hours to complete all at the Inovo Medical Centre near Montreal and Olgivie Roads in Ottawa.

Here’s how it works:

After you arrive at Innovo, the staff will ask you to use the washroom to put some Emla (numbing lotion) cream all over your vulva and inside the vagina. After about 30 minutes you feel NOTHING. Everything is numb.
After that, Jenny the cheerful nurse brings you into a room and takes a vial of blood out of your arm to spin for the procedure. You go back into the waiting room and continue getting numb while reading a magazine. Expect to sit for 45 minutes while the cream works to make the procedure pain-free.

Once the plasma is ready Dr. Belanger gets you into the stirrups and uses a local anesthetic (like you get at the dentist) to further freeze your nether regions. After a few minutes more of waiting for you to be completely frozen your own plasma (PRP) is then injected into three spots. The first injection is by your clitoris, the second near your urethra and the third is inside the vagina into your G spot.

The truth is I felt absolutely zero pain for the first two injections. I was so numb that I didn’t even feel the pressure. For the G spot injection I did feel a twinge but not even as much as a bee sting.
After the procedure you are asked to wait to make sure you have no swelling and then you get dressed. That’s it. Oh, and they give you the extra plasma to take home to put into the fridge to use on your face at night over the next few weeks as with the vampire face lift. It’s definitely an added bonus and you get the 2 for the price of 1 treatment.
The O shot can take up to 6 weeks to be fully engaged. It’s been that long since my procedure. I have noticed an increase in my natural lubrication and a tightening of the vaginal opening. Given that reaching orgasm has never been an issue in the past I haven’t noticed any change. But there does seem to be an improvement in minor incontinence during exercise. I would certainly consider getting a second O shot a few months down the road to continue healing the urethra and to promote vaginal stimulation.

Read about Inovo Medical here and you may want to start the conversation for yourself.

Best date ideas for 2018. Why keeping it romantic is worth the effort.

Why surprising your partner (even when you are super busy) is essential for great relationships.

I try hard to consistently do and suggest great date night ideas. My friend Angela sends me ideas every quarter for activities in the Nation’s Capital (Dec/Jan’s are posted below).
But for those of you who don’t live in Canada’s most beautiful city my team has come up with some of the best new date suggestions for 2018.

Feeding each other at a food truck.
Even when it’s cold the food trucks make some of the best tacos, chips, and beaver tails around.

New Year’s fireworks. Most communities have firework displays (or inexpensive fireworks) to ring in the New Year. Find a good spot (hint: try the top level of a parking garage), and gaze at the spectacle. Bring along some sparklers and warm beverages in a thermos to make it more fun.

Geocashing. Geocaching is the ultimate scavenger hunt. Using a smartphone and GPS coordinates, participants search for hidden objects. Just sign up for a free Geocaching account and download the app. Then pick a geocache near you and start hunting. It’s a great togetherness activity.

Have you considered ice fishing? You can bring a deck of cards and stay out on the ice in rented fishing huts. Check your local outdoor store for details.

Stargaze. Pack some blankets and dust of those festival chairs. There are lots of stars that you can’t see in the summer and it’s worth some cuddle time on a cold night. Once the stars come out, search for constellations and identify them using an app or book. Make a game of it: Whoever finds a specific star, planet, or constellation — or the most of all three — wins.

Play strip chess. Learn to give great massages.

The list of activities in Ottawa:
Skating through the Forest – Discover the enchanting site of Skating Through the Forest next to the vast Gatineau Park, at 45 minutes from Ottawa. Savour the pristine experience of ice skating on a natural 3km open air ice path in an incredible landscape and sheltered from the wind. Non-skaters can spend some time snowshoeing or walking on our designated paths. Can you spot our friendly wolf “Loupie”? After discovering the ice, join us in our chalet for a hot drink and a snack. (opens officially Dec 15th!) https://www.patinageenforet.com

Alight the Night – Starting Friday! EASTERN ONTARIO’S BIGGEST OUTDOOR LIGHT FESTIVAL. Bundle up for an evening stroll through this picture-perfect postcard setting! Close to one million lights adorn the heritage buildings, trees and fences of Upper Canada Village creating a one-of-a-kind magical backdrop for its annual Alight at Night Festival – a
true winter wonderland! https://www.uppercanadavillage.com/events/alight-at-night/

Rideau Hall Skating Rink – The outdoor skating rink was originally built in 1872, during the mandate of the Earl of Dufferin, Canada’s third governor general. Along with his wife, Lady Dufferin—who quickly became a keen skater herself—he organized many skating parties during his stay at Rideau Hall. Today, you can step back in time and go for a skate on this historic rink which is also now refrigerated. Saturdays and Sundays, from 12 noon to 5 p.m. (without reservations).
http://www.gg.ca/document.aspx?id=15335&lan=eng

8. Christmas Lights across Canada – Ottawa sparkles and shines during the Christmas season with Christmas Lights across Canada. From early December to early January, thousands of colourful lights illuminate the National Capital Region’s winter landscape. The 33rd edition of Christmas Lights across Canada will take place from December 7, 2017 to January 7, 2018. Hundreds of thousands of dazzling holiday lights glow throughout downtown Ottawa. Parliament Hill is a must-see stop on any tour of the lights, with tens of thousands of bulbs lighting its historic buildings.

Also from December 7, 2017 to January 7, 2018, a winter lightscapes multimedia show is projected onto Parliament Hill’s Centre Block. Inspired by Canada’s nature, climate and culture, this 13-minute fairy tale runs nightly in a loop, from 5:30 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.https://www.ottawatourism.ca/ottawa-insider/christmas-lights-across-canada/
10. Christmas in the Byward market – Complimentary wagon rides and Christmas Choirs. Saturday and Sunday on the George Street Plaza from noon – 4 p.m. Choirs: Saturday, December 16 12:00-2:00 Northern Stars Saturday, December 16 2:00-4:00 Ottawa Gay Men’s Choir, Sunday, December 17 12:00-2:00 Chinese Alliance Church, Sunday, December 17 2:00-4:00 Ottawa University

Christmas in the ByWard Market – Wagon Rides & Christmas Choirs


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Ottawa Art Gallery Lit Up – We’re taking art outside for one night!
Join us as the Ottawa Art Gallery (OAG) celebrates two new commissioned works in the front courtyard of the soon to be opened OAG Expansion at 50 Mackenzie King Bridge. The night will include the spectacular projection artwork Of Buffalo, Bears, and Indian Scouts on the facade of the new OAG cube by Bear Witness and an accompanying DJ set by the JUNO winner. We will also be celebrating the large-scale, interactive light installation Ascension by The Latest Artists which will soon be mounted on the Mackenzie King Bridge wall. So much to celebrate! Heated tents, festive food and drink, participatory artwork and much more will help to mark the occasion. Admission: Free. 50 Mackenzie King Bridge (at the intersection of Waller Street), front courtyard https://www.ottawaartgallery.ca/whatson/2017/12/15/oag-lit-up-art-unveiling-celebration
13. Tim Hortons on the Hill – December 14, 15, 16, 17, 30 and 31. 12 p.m. to 6 p.m. Warm up and refuel with free coffee and hot chocolate from the Tim Hortons truck on the Hill!

14. Inuit experiences with Nunavut Sivuniksavut December 16 and 17 on Parliament Hill. 11:15 a.m. to 11:45 a.m., 2:15 p.m. to 2:45 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Join Inuit youth from the Nunavut Sivuniksavut
college program for choral singing, group dancing from the Western Arctic, throat singing, drum dancing, a sharing of their history, culture and
language through education as well as a demonstration of Inuit Games such as the Muskox, Leg Wrestle and High Kick.
https://app.pch.gc.ca/application/dec150/detail-eng.html?id=186606

The top 5 things you can do to improve your relationship in 2018

Every year researchers come up with new studies that outline the best way to stay connected with your significant other. Much of the advice seems like common sense. But even as a Sex and Relationship Therapist I have to remember to be mindful and find time to really focus on my partner with these ideas.

1. Stay positive:
“It’s not surprising that the more positive a person is, the more likely they’ll be happy in their relationships. What’s interesting is just how much it matters.
In a study from the University of Chicago, researchers found that when a husband has a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in his relationship. Likewise, the way partners respond to each other’s good news matters too. In a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that the way couples react to each other’s good news—either with excitement, pride, or indifference—is crucial in forming a strong bond.”

2. Have a life outside of your partner:
Not only is it important to have something interesting to talk about at the end of the day, outside friendships can help reinforce the couple connection. This doesn’t mean losing emotional intimacy with your husband or wife. It just means that married couples have a lot to gain by fostering their relationships with family members and friends. The happiest couples, she says, are those who have interests and support “beyond the twosome.”

3. Have fun together and do new things:
I (along with my amazing husband) started a date night group a number of years ago called The Ducklings. If you are anywhere near Eastern Ontario then come on out and join us. What kept coming up was the need for fun ideas to keep things exciting. It’s really easy to get in a rut. Doing things that are out of your comfort zone together creates hard-to-break bonds. This also means just having fun together. Research from The University of Denver shows that couples who make time for fun activities tend to stay together longer:
“The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies.
“The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant.”

4. Make time for great Sex:
Yes I think sex is critical for relationships. Life can get in the way of being sexy. And as partners feel pushed away they are less likely to initiate. And sex starts to feel awkward. Being able to communicate about what your sexual needs are and asking for what you need sexually is something I often facilitate between spouses in my office.
“Anthony Lyons, a study co-author and research fellow at La Trobe, said the main lesson from the study is that couples need to learn how to communicate about their sexual needs or their reasons for not wanting sex.
“Couples need to talk about the frequency of sex,” Dr. Anthony said in an e-mail. “Talking openly about sex and finding a middle ground with regard to frequency appears to be very important for overall sexual and relationship satisfaction.”
It might seem silly to do something like scheduling time for intimacy, but it’s important to open up the dialogue about your sex life to dedicate some time to just be with each other.”

5. Communication and The division of labour:
Communication can be all important when it comes to impacting the relationship. I have a rule with my clients that they have to learn to talk about issues holding hands and maintaining eye contact. It helps. Understanding that if you can maintain your clam and learn to fight fair (here are the rules) then it goes a long way to settling the differences between couples.
Stop fighting about money, and quit talking about big issues by email or text.

Good communication takes effort, it’s hard, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. But when you let small things fester and don’t communicate, problems arise. Studies show that it’s usually money that causes this rift, but every relationship has its own set of issues that need to get worked through.

“Quit hashing out problems over text messages: Technology has a knack for disrupting relationships, but one study pinpointed that couples who deal with fights over text have a lower relationship quality. This means couples who used text messages to apologize or work out differences instead of having face to face conversations tended to report unhappiness. That said, positive texts like the occasional “I love you” are still great, just stop trying to work complicated things out over SMS.”

Finally, don’t be a dumbass when it comes to sharing the work load. I hear about how exhausted the women who visit my office are feeling. Some of it is self-inflicted in that they want to entertain perfectly or have a Marth Stewart Christmas. But many of them are working full time and then come home to another full time job cooking, cleaning, shopping, child care etc. Feeling overwhelmed and tired is one of the top reasons women are less interested in sex.

Contribute to the household chores: In a small scale study, UCLA researchers tracked the lives of several relationships over the course of 4 years. Their conclusions? Couple who have a system to handle household chores and who evenly disperse those chores are a lot happier. So, when you’re significant other makes the suggestion that you do the dishes now and again, just do it.

Bring Back that Loving Feeling! Low Libido and Desire workshop Starting Jan 20th 2018


Low desire in one partner is probably one of the top reasons why individuals and couples alike seek out sex therapy. People from all walks of life occasionally struggle to re-kindle low or missing sexual desire or libido.

Help is on the way!

Starting January 20, renowned Clinical Sex and Relationship Therapist, Sue McGarvie, M.A. will be facilitating the ‘Libido & Desire Workshop’. This 4-week program offers participants the latest information on how to improve sexual desire physically, emotionally, psychologically and increase intimacy within relationships.

Are you spending too much time wondering where your libido has gone?
Are your relationships devoid of intimacy?
Do you find yourself reminiscing about the last time when you were easily sexually aroused?
Do you find yourself or your partner challenged by different levels of sexual interest?

If you’ve answered, “Yes” to any of the above questions, this workshop has been designed with you in mind.
This event is open to both Individuals and couples. There is limited enrollment for this program, so register now!

Cost: $375/ individual or $500/ couple. This program is covered by most extended health care plans. Payment through PayPal portal.
Location: Centre for Interpersonal Relationships (267 O’Connor St., Suite 600, Ottawa)
Sign up here!

The new O shot! A simple way to re-kindle women’s ability to achieve orgasms.

I had a great meeting with week with Dr. Belanger who runs Inovo Medical in Ottawa. He is one of the pioneers of plasma injected into the front of the G spot to promote orgasms. Its a very cool procedure.

It’s described as “The O Shot or Orgasm Shot is a specific way of utilizing the blood-derived growth factors found in Platelet Rich Plasma (PRP), harvested from a patient’s own blood and injected into the vagina, where the G spot lies.
The O-Shot is also designed for women who simply would like to reach vaginal orgasms faster, more intensely and multiple times in one session! If you only had orgasms from the clitoris, you may now be able to reach vaginal orgasms.”

That is a public service. Find the details your self here. It’s not cheap. A single shot is $700 but the results are immediate. And with freezing the discomfort is minimal according to the gynecological nurse I spoke to.
According to the discussion I had with the staff, the O-shot could also help women who are suffering from:

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (low desire)
Female Orgasmic Disorder (Difficulty reaching orgasm)
Female Sexual Arousal Disorder (Difficulty becoming aroused)
Dyspaneuria (Painful sex)
Vulvodynia such as lichen plan

I’m not certain about the libido issues, as a Sex Therapist I think libido is more complicated than a simple shot can resolve but it should help women who are struggling with inorgasmia (can’t climax!). It has also been proven effective at increasing natural lubrication for those women feeling as dry as the Sahara. I’m going to give it a try in the next few weeks. Stay tuned for the update from my G spot. Smile.

The realization that you need to be desired in order to be turned on.


Everyone wants to feel wanted. In fact I would even say it’s a basic need of sex to be desired by your partner. For women it’s especially important. Many women who can feel arousal (but not desire) meaning their bodies can be turned on but they aren’t emotional feeling into sex is common phenomenon. They need to be convinced or get their sexual energy from someone else. As Psychology Today reports recently.

“Most women, for instance, have a strong wish to feel sexually desired. Men also like to be desired, of course. But among the women I see in my office, it’s often much more of a “thing.”

Many women say they don’t feel any spontaneous desire for sex unless it’s stimulated by someone desiring them. As sex therapists, we would say their desire is purely “responsive.” Many women report that feeling desired is what turns them on the most.
Heterosexual human mating tends to be like traditional couples’ dancing. She needs him to ask her to dance. The dancing itself might be nice, but even more important is that he showed initiative and wanted to dance with her. 70% of men are different. They may enjoy it if their partner passionately wants to have sex with them, but they don’t particularly need to feel desired in order to get turned on. Their desire is more “spontaneous.”

But what about the 30% of men that do need their partners to express great desire in order to be turned on? I see men in my office every week who need explicit desire by their partners to get aroused.

A man like this is almost always brought to my office by his unhappy wife, who complains that he rarely, if ever, initiates sex—thus depriving her of the chance to feel turned on by his passion for her. And she’s bonetired of initiating.

He will tell me privately, that he wants her to start sex or he can’t get his mojo going.

“A heterosexual guy whose principal turn-on is to be desired finds himself in more difficult territory. Very few women are interested in consistently being the initiator.

A man like this usually learns to keep his responsive desire a secret. If he tries to explain it to a female partner, often the concept will be so foreign to her that she’ll have no idea what he’s talking about.”

It’s a challenge. 50 Shades of Gray sold millions of copies because it appealed to the very common female fantasy of being “taken”. The desire to be dominated safely is by far the most popular sexual model with women. And men who are responsive (are often the more thinking guys) feel frustrated and voiceless.

So what do you do to solve this? It starts with communication, acceptance and negotiation. And an understanding that sex isn’t “supposed to be a certain way”. Women have been chased around the school yard by boys wanting to pull their pigtails and we expect “handsy” men. It’s certainly not what we always want (nor is it appropriate outside of consenting adults), but it’s what we expect form men. Understanding that sex is play – adult play- and not always about pounding intercourse helps get this message through. As do signals (pull an earlobe or drop a secret word) to indicate interest so that neither one is being pushed away helps with the shut down of rejection of a partner who can’t figure out what you need to be turned on. And learning that your expectations of sex might be getting in the way.

I teach a monthly “School of Sex” series done with humour, inclusion and fantastic speakers. It allows people to sit in the back row and listen to how other people in their community think about sex – without social conventions and limiting beliefs. Really hear what turns on the men and women that live in your neighbourhood can be powerfully healing to someone who feels sexually inhibited. It’s liberating for many people not to feel alone in how they feel sexually.

And as the author of the study succinctly summarizes;

If you’re a woman in a relationship with a man who doesn’t initiate sex as much as you’d like, you may want to keep in mind the possibility that he might need the same thing you do.

Low Libido and improving desire workshop starting this November 2017.

Low libido or decreased sexual desire is still the #1 thing seen by Sex Therapists in North America. In my office low desire certainly tops the list if issues. It’s followed by male sexual anxiety (with ED and PE), non-monogamy/infidelity and orgasm issues. Coming up with specific treatments for improving desire are as individual as the clients themselves. Improving libido can often feel like a measurement of millimeters.

Find that loving feeling. With the aim of focusing on solutions, I am running a Desire and Libido 5 week workshop for couples and singles in Ottawa started in November. It’s a pragmatic based approach with current research, humour, discretion, and concrete actions for re-kindling desire. It’s limited enrollment and is fully covered by workplace insurance benefits. Limited enrollment and I am starting to take pull together the group. Please send an email (sue at sex with sue .com) or sign up through the contact page.

It will run evenings, starting mid November for 5 weeks at 267 O’Connor Street, Suite 600. Cost will be covered by all group health insurance plans ad is $500 per couple or $300 per single.

This is the program that will increase the intimacy and desire in your relationship.

It’s Oktoberfest! Understand how drinking the right kind of beer can increase your sex life!

If you are planning on taking in some of the Oktoberfest celebrations this October you might want to pay attention to the association between sex and beer. Really.
It turns out we do associate sex and beer. Hence all the Bavarian beer wench outfits. Here are some of the correlations:

1. Go for craft beer drinkers. Apparently the research from the Centre for Disease Control says the more expensive the drinks, the less likely someone is to carry a STI. The craft beer drinkers (and the most organic) had the least number of nasty infections.

2. The sweeter the beer the more likely it is to increase testosterone. Alcohol has long been known as a panti-remover. It turns out that sweeter beer does the most for increasing women’s testosterone levels. So if you are buying a girl in braids a boot of beer, go for the fruit flavoured beverages.

3. Beer goggles are real. The more we drink the more attractive people look to us. And we certainly associate beer and sex. Other studies show that both men and women believe that drinking alcohol heightens the probability of a sexual encounter and that men admit to using alcohol to try to encourage women to “hook up” (see Vander Ven and Beck, 2009). However, women also report drinking more beer when feeling romantic.

The season of Sex. Great fall date night suggestions to take advantage of snuggling under the covers weather.

Did you know that there is a season for sex? It turns out it’s fall when moose, sheep and apparently people go into mating season and start to rut. There is a Newfie poem with the phrase “when the frost is on the pumpkin now that’s the time for dinky dunking”. It’s not particularly eloquent but it sums up the human reproductive trends.

According to Psychology Today, fertility peaks between 40-60 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s definitely fall weather.

“Human physiology indicates that we are also seasonal breeders. To be more specific, sex hormones, including testosterone, peak in the fall and are at their lowest in the summer. Early researchers made the mistake of focusing mainly on men who have a comparatively weak annual cycle. Women emerge as having a more pronounced increase in testosterone production in the fall that is double their lowest level in the summer (2). This suggests that both sexes would have a higher sex drive in the fall. This is particularly true of women, for whom testosterone is used to boost libido, whereas male testosterone has a less reliable effect on sex drive. Similarly, temperatures lingering mostly between 50 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit are optimal for fertilization, and that corresponds to the cooler fall weather in seasonal countries. One way of interpreting the seasonal effects on human fertility is in terms of the suppression of fertilization when it is very hot (in midsummer) or when it is very cold (in winter).”

That means women are much hornier in the fall. It also means you are more likely to conceive this time of year.

So what can you do to take advantage of the increased sexiness and get women more horizontal?

1. Encourage your partner to wear your jacket or dress shirt. I know we often stretch out the sleeves, but putting pheromones and your masculine scent all over her will make her ovaries start to twitch.

2. Take her costume shopping. Any Halloween store this month is a perfect date night place. They have skanky outfits and it’s the one time of year when you are celebrated for wearing them. They have lots of hunky superhero and viking costumes. And I don’t know any woman who hasn’t fantasized about Robert Downey Jr. as Ironman.

3. Try the corn maze hand in hand. It’s on my bucket list to get lost in one and do naughty things.

4. Find a haunted house. Anything that gets your adrenaline up bonds you as a couple. She will hang onto you.

5. Bonfires and snuggling up around them. They are especially good with one of those pumpkin lattes.

6. Giant leaf piles. When was the last time you rolled in one?

7. We just did one of the local dive through parks where you feed the wildlife carrots from your car. The animals were incredibly active compared to a summer visit. And it’s mating season there too and you might see a reproduction nature documentary in real life.

8. Wine tasting. The harvest is in and the wine is flowing. Our favourite local winemaker (Bluegypsywinery.com) has a chocolate caramel mead (a honey wine) that is called “sex in a glass” and is the best panti-remover around.

9. Get one of those new weighted blankets and snuggle under it. It feels like you are being hugged the entire time you are touching. Makes for great foreplay.

10. Hayrides. We just went on a haunted hayride followed by a bonfire with warm cider. That’s a dating Yatzee. Feel free to beat it.

It turns out it isn’t getting rich (or being skinnier) that makes you happy.

It’s sleep and sex that rate as things that make you feel the most content.

Although preferably not together.

A study has found that sex and sleep are the two things that have the strongest association with a person’s wellbeing.

The index, developed by researchers Oxford Economics, found that quadrupling your income causes very little increase to your happiness, while spending time in the bedroom is a lot more significant.
Polling carried out by the National Centre for Social Research, found that the most rested people score 15 points higher on the index than those who struggled with their sleep.

People who are deeply dissatisfied with their sex lives score seven points lower on average than those who say they were very satisfied. Satisfaction improved with sex twice a week, and over eight hours of sleep.

The result was the creation of the Sainsbury’s Living Well Index, which generated a list of the top factors that separated the happiest 20 percent from everyone else. In order of biggest influence, sleep quality, sex life, job security, health of close relatives and chatting to neighbors in other words community) that rounded out the top 5. Daily walks also made the list.

Every study done in the last 20 years talk about how great sex improves your mood and your health. After a few nights of bad sleep everyone knows how big a factor rest is on physical and mental health. However the fact that money doesn’t rank at the top of the list might might be surprising. Researchers found that those who had good sleep and a sex life they were satisfied with had higher “living well” scores than those people with a high income.

Date nights and being playful as the summer ends….

So fall is coming fast and furiously. And with that (at least in our house) we starts thinking about dressing up. While I’ve had my Halloween costume since January I just saw the costume display set up in Costco for Halloween! It’s the chance for everyone to dress up as their favourite superhero or villain and not take themselves too seriously. For me, the opportunity to have fun is something I value in my life and I certainly try to walk the walk in my relationship. Talks on humour and playfulness are showing up in more Psychology conferences of late as one of the best ways to stay connected. A sense of humour and a willingness to be playful is listed as one of the five characteristics of couples who have great relationships. I was asked recently by a new counseling student what I emphasize to improve relationships between couples. The ability to have fun with each other is one of the first things I suggest. It has one of the fastest impacts to connect couples who are feeling out of step with each other.

Humour can keep things exciting, fresh, and vibrant. When you laugh with one another, you create a positive bond between you. Laughter evokes strong feelings and bonds you as a couple. It also helps push away depression and feelings of powerlessness. The doom and gloom you feel when you listen to the news or read a paper can be wearing on even the most optimistic of people, so I encourage you to think about ways to be playful this fall. It pays dividends. It’s doing things with a sparkle in your eyes, and having belly laughs with your sweetie. We try to take in comedy monthly and are a member of the free Sunday Night funnies group on meetups. It’s celebrating distraction and taking a break from the humdrum of everyday life.
Having fun also increases confidence. You stop worrying what others will think. And doing it holding your partner’s hand makes everything better. I describe it as embracing “childlike” with wonder and rapture. Borrow a kid if you need help finding that space.

Schedule a play date. Here are some suggestions:
It’s the time of the year to go to the Halloween stores and try on costumes. They will be open in a few weeks! They usually have giant change rooms and don’t be afraid to try on something zany.

Have a pillow fight. Walmart has $6 pillows if you don’t want to wreck one of the ones from your bed. Go to the park and have your partner push you on the swings. Or slide down the slide like you still want to. Make some bubbles. Bubble baths, bubble blowing, and bubble gum blowing contests.

Make a playlist together. It’s reminiscent of the old 80’s make-out tapes. Put some music on it that reminds you of when you met. Go get ice cream. Have your partner close their eyes and have them guess the flavor of as many samples as they will let you try. Dance in the rain, go see the fall leaves, take pictures of each other’s funny faces and see how long it takes for your partner to laugh.

Go play at the toy store. Come out with us on a Ducklings sexy date night and laugh! (www.sexwithsue.com/duckling-events)
Try strange, experimental cooking (or a new martini recipe). We love this new Dragon Fruit martini.
Ingredients
• 1-1/2 cups (375 mL) ice cubes
• 3/4 cup (175 mL) cubed peeled dragon fruits
• 1/2 cup (125 mL) guava or guanabana nectar
• 3 oz (85 g) vodka
• 1/4 cup (60 mL) coconut milk
• 1/2 tsp (2 mL) lime juice
Simple Syrup:
• 3/4 cup (175 mL) granulated sugar
• 3/4 cup (175 mL) water

Preparation

Simple Syrup: In small saucepan, bring sugar and water to boil; simmer, stirring occasionally, until clear and syrupy, about 2 minutes. Let cool completely.

In blender, purée together ice cubes, dragon fruit, guava nectar, vodka, coconut milk, 2 tbsp of the simple syrup and lime juice until smooth and frosty. Pour into cocktail glasses. Reserve remaining simple syrup for other cocktails.
Whatever you do HAVE FUN TOGETHER!!!

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