The Libido differences between couples. And research into how men are touch deprived

Much of my day as a Sex Therapist is spent talking about libido differences between couples. Opposite sex drives between partners are challenging. Not always, but often it’s men who seem to want sex all the time. With their exasperated partners having to push them away making everyone feel badly. Again not all but many healthy, adult men want sex daily or every other day, time permitting. But the expectation that men are all Neanderthals chasing their partners around the house all the time isn’t fair to the men I see. Many really want their partners to initiate. Or they see their sexuality as a dance rather than a conquest. Or the anxiety of performance makes them gun shy. Or they have lower testosterone and feel diminished. At times for the men I see it feels exhausting to always need to be “sexually on”.

As women we have had guys pull our ponytails in school, try and get us out of our jeans in High School and actively hit on us in bars. There is an exception that men will pursue. There is a great article about why men seem to pursue sex over and over. As the author Mark Greene says ” In our culture we believe that men always have a sexual agenda. We believe that, given the opportunity, men will collapse into the sexual at a moment’s notice. That men don’t know how to physically connect otherwise. That men can’t control themselves. That men are dogs. Yet, if we don’t trust men and touch where does that leave us as a culture? And where do men go for touch and connection?”

Men turn to sex for touch. When I ask men to talk about what intimacy means to them they think sex. When I ask them to describe something romantic it often has a sexual slant. Many men feel loved when they are touched and that touch is sexual in nature. And their partners who often want to simply cuddle find an erection poking them. Men haven’t been able to express their tactile selves. Unless it’s between the sheets on the sports field they don’t have a vehicle for nurturing touch.

As Mark Greene says “The lifelong lack of platonic touch in boys lives ultimately results in the loss for them of the clear distinction between platonic touch and sexual touch. Young men starving for touch seek it in the sexual realm, often exclusively from their partners. This makes frequency of sex a challenging issue for couples. Men key on sex in an attempt to bridge our way back to the gentle comforting touch of our distant childhoods, the pure first experience of touch in our lives that can never quite be recaptured or recalled. Sex takes on the role of fulfilling both sexual and platonic touch needs.

The result? Men background all other positives in our relationships, judging every interaction against the sexual pleasure metric.”

So you have generations of men who identify the need for physical affection as someone touching their penis. It’s not the only reason, male sexual urges can be daunting. As I tell my clients ” I’ve spoken to men for 25 years and I am still gobstopped about how horny guys can be sometimes”.

Separating sex and touch is one of the first things I do as a Sex Therapist. Mindful non-genital touch- even if it’s only 3 minutes each in a busy day can help separate sex from positive affection. And then both partners can calm down and truly see each other.

Mark outlines the issue for guys who are touch deprived.

“Many of us are also terribly prone to approaching sex mechanically, staring inward at our own flaring confusion instead of looking outward into the mysterious miracle of our partners. And in that moment, sex becomes another exercise in internalizing our experiences instead of surrendering to emotional interdependence, which we have never learned to engage. In relationship after relationship, romance withers. Sex falls off. But even as these relationships falter, we men remain willing to go to the well of cold mechanical sex, long after our lovers have lost their passion for it, because like everything else in our emotional landscapes, we have confused the mechanics of contact with truly connecting emotionally.”

I suggest getting a regular RMT massage therapist. It’s professional and therapeutic. Touch is a basic need. Finding a way to get hugs, physical connection, and positive physical interaction – in a non-sexual way is really good for your sex life. Read the whole article here.

Why the combination of group and individual counseling often gets the best results

People with a private relationship or sexual issue are often terrified about the thought of going to a therapist. Even me, who makes my living making sure clients are safe, comfortable and supported. And I have cookies and tea. But add in group therapy and the terror can be palatable. As I remind clients (and my kids) “life begins at the edge of your comfort zone”.

Group work is often a very effective way of solving a specific therapy issue. I like to say “that the group becomes greater than the sum of it’s parts”. Workshops (even if you use a fake name and sit at the back of the room) allow you to hear or participate in a group discussion. And if it’s on a topic you are struggling with, hear that others are struggling as well. Listen to how other people are coping, or have improved things in their lives. For couples, groups can be magic for couples looking for guidance. I find the most effective treatments are the combination of individual and group counseling. Think of private groups like a class “where everyone has read the book”. Great discussion ensue. Your feelings are validated, and often you hear suggestions from others that can have an impact. Either way you aren’t alone.

I run something I call “School of Sex” monthly in a room that has pictures of the Queen on the wall. It’s for people who want to improve their sexual IQ and be better in bed. Often you weren’t pulled aside in High School and explained the nuances of being a good lover. And if you aren’t a reader how do you learn? Porn is unrealistic and actually harmful. Because real people in a sexual situation don’t stay hard effortlessly for over an hour, or climax when you touch their elbow in throes of ecstasy. Having seen a porn shoot, I remind my clients it’s acting not real life.

We use humour, great speakers, and really facilitate open dialogue. Someone will ask the question in your head. And if not, at the end of the workshop you can come up quietly and ask a question about “a friend”. We’ve done classes called “Oral Sex and Cheesecake”, Hand-jobs, G-Spots and Sangria, Boy bits (with a giant penis costume), Swinging Sundae (on the Lifestyle and swapping partners) and many more. They are a safe place for people to learn, explore, feel safe and get to hear what works for other random people from their community. For the oral sex talk recently we had lesbians, much older women, disabled women among others talk about the kind of oral sex they liked. The men were at the edge of their seats. It was particularly helpful for individuals who come from cultures where sex is taboo.

Understand that most people want to be better in bed. Yes counseling can help. But in combination with group work the change is more rapid and effective. School’s in session.

Interesting new sex study has just been published. It’s not our age but the age that we feel that determines our sexual satisfaction

Your sex life is only as old as you feel
Tuesday, may 30, 2017
The closer you feel to your actual age, the less likely you are to be satisfied with your sex life, a University of Waterloo study has found.

The study looked at the attitudes of sex and aging of a group of 1170 adults from their mid-40s to their mid-70s over a 10-year period.

The group, which included people of diverse sexual orientation, reported that the closer people felt to their chronological age, the lower the quality of their sex life.

“What was clear from the data is that feeling younger had a huge impact on how people felt about the quality of their sex life and how interested they were in having sex,” said Steven Mock, an associate professor in Recreation and Leisure Studies at Waterloo. “For people in mid to later life, feeling young at heart actually appears to make a difference in the bedroom.”

The research drew upon data collected in the Midlife in the United States (MIDUS) study in the between 1995 and 2005. The MIDUS study is a national longitudinal study of health and wellbeing in the United States and measures the physical and mental health of participants over a period of decades.

“It’s important to consider all of the different psychosocial and biological factors that might influence a person’s sexuality,” said Amy Estill, who led the research while completing her Master’s degree at Waterloo. “While feeling younger didn’t have an impact on how much sex people were having, it was quite clear that feeling older does impact the quality of the sex you’re having,”

The study was recently published in the Journal of Sex Research.

Huge Erotic Art Exhibit with over 200 pieces of nudes, sensuous and sassy art! September 29, 30th 2017

The idea started because we couldn’t find any galleries that carried classy erotic art for our office. It’s evolved to be the perfect date night activity. A Friday/Saturday pop-up erotic art exhibit with over 200 pieces of art. Wine bar, chocolate samples, music, and a chance to get your picture taken as a couple. Most of the artists will be in attendance and you can appreciate the human form portrayed by the best visual artists around.Tell your friends and co-workers to come see the art. There has never been so many pieces of erotic art in one place in the city’s history. It will be a perfect date night and girl’s night out.

For Ducklings there will be a private VIP section with nude art models along with a chance to paint them on the Saturday evening. Really. There will be body painting, learn-how-to-draw nudes (with a bunch of models), chocolate, an erotic food tasting off a naked body, body part casting, an “ass-print collage” and so much more! Anyone can come to the art show but after 7 pm on Saturday night you have to be a Duckling to attend!

The schedule includes a live body casting of strategic squishy parts. A “feel and identify” human sculptures, a body painting of nude models, an artist teaching how to draw nude models in different mediums, erotic edibles (eating off a naked body), music and food. It’s going to be unique and we’ve been planning this for months.

The art show runs Friday evening along with Saturday afternoon 2 to 7 pm if you can’t make it Saturday night and just want to see the art. It’s a great date night with food and drinks available. Then we will dance like nobody is watching, drink beverages, and use a variety of different mediums to create our own erotic masterpieces.

We will create a collective Duckling portrait and eat foods that double as aphrodisiacs.

We have been working on this event for close to a year!

We event have our own website and facebook page! See the gorgeous website here

Get your Saturday (7-11 pm) Duckling-only VIP tickets below!.

Friday September 29, 2017 – 6 pm to 9 pm $10 admission and everyone is welcome.

Saturday, September 30, 2017 – 2 pm to 7 pm $10 admission all are welcome

Saturday 7 pm to 11 pm VIP Party – body painting, paint night, chocolate fondue dance party plus meet some of the artists!
(must be a paid Duckling member to attend – membership can be purchased at the event or online here)

Collabspace – 70 Bongard Ave

$10 at the door (cash only) for the public events Friday evening and Saturday afternoon
$25 online (coming soon) or at the door for the VIP event Saturday night
(includes entrance to the art show)

Email us at

Presented to you by Sex With Sue and We are the Ducklings $30

School of Sex! Let’s talk about anal sex done with grace, and laugh-out-loud fun

Sunday, April 2, 2017
2:00 PM to 4:30 PM
The Rosemount Orange Hall
41 Rosemount Ave, Hintonburg, Ottawa, ON

Our next School of Sex is coming up April 2nd and we want to talk about your behind. Our your partner’s. Or girl’s with strap-on’s. Or prostate stimulation. Or how, why, when, and all the details about oh-so-carefully putting things in your bum.
Delivered by Sue (along with a guest lecturer) if you have interested, scared, unsure, confused, turned-on or the like by anal sex then come out for this month’s latest School of Sex series lecture. This is NOT your parents (or your kid’s) sex ed class.

If you want to de-mystify and learn what’s new with your anus, rectum and other stuff “back there” this is the place. It promises to be an interesting workshop. We will have the usual snacks and a chance to really understand how to include new kinds of stimulation – safely. And like all Duckling events it is fun, social, warm, and inclusive.
Educational, fun and with the essential life experience for anyone who has an ass.

$30 including refreshments. This is an open event so everyone is welcome. Bring a friend and find out all about the Ducklings and our School of Sex series. Click here to find out more and sign up!

You can pay at the door but there are maximums that the room holds so purchasing in advance is strongly encouraged. This is a 2-3 duck event. Educational but sassy.

School of Sex! The Penis. How to pleasure it, make it bigger, last longer, pleasure it, and keep it healthy!

Sunday, February 19, 2017
2:00 PM to 4:30 PM
The Rosemount Orange Hall
41 Rosemount Ave, Hintonburg, Ottawa, ON

Although she comes first (we did the girl bits School of Sex last month in January 2017), he gets to come next. It’s time for the penis presentation. The next in the School of Sex series is all about the most protruding of male parts.

For men, find out what’s new for your junk. If you are a guy feel free to sit anonymously at the back of the room and stay current about your equipment. This is your chance to find out about how to last longer, stay harder, what actually increases it’s size (and what doesn’t), what toys, tips, and tools help and which ones just take your money. We will have educated male speakers talking about getting the most from your dick. And for those of us who want to touch (play, enjoy, caress etc) penises, learn the skills that will have his eyes roll back in his head. There will be frenulum and testicle touching suggestions, external tricks like “the double-handed backhand”, and the escalator among others that will seriously up your game.

Like all School of Sex events, this is an open event so everyone is welcome. Bring a friend and find out all about the Ducklings and our School of Sex series. We want to up the skill set in the Nation’s Capital so we become the sexiest capital – not the stuffiest. This is not your parents (or your kids) sex ed class. Discounts for the next six School of Sexes and therapy receipts are also available. Find out more and sign up!

You can pay at the door but there are maximums that the room holds so purchasing in advance is strongly encouraged.

$30 per person. Pay in advance to hold your spot.

School of Sex events! It’s not your parents Sex Ed class. It’s All about the vagina Jan. 29, 2017

School of Sex. Gooey Girl Bits!! The Vagina, vulva, clitoris all explained.

Sunday, January 29, 2017
2:00 PM to 5:00 PM
The Rosemount Orange Hall
41 Rosemount Ave, Hintonburg, Ottawa, ON

Everything you wanted to know about the Vajayjay but didn’t know who to talk ask. The next in the series of School of Sex is the female genitalia. Or how to stimulate, tease, understand and amplify the pleasure of the female genitalia. Get information about the erotic, the medical, and the sex therapist point of views. Great instructors to find out what’s current in the part of women’s bodies that everyone wants to know more about. Really understand your anatomy or the anatomy of any women in your life. Discover new ways women can reach orgasm. Especially if orgasms are difficult. G spots, u spots, X spots and the like. Get the inside track of new organic products that lube you up, make you taste wonderful and keep your girl bits all dry and smelling nice.

Yoni massage (the tantra word for vulva) will be covered and you can learn how to stimulate all of the nerve endings both inside and out with one of the city’s best erotic masseuses. Learn about the different clit pumps, the scream cream, and acupressure points that can trigger female orgasm.

Finally test out the brand new $1000 infrared internal wand that tightens and helps diminish vaginal pain.

If you are a friend to the vagina, vulva or clit this is going to be an interesting workshop. We will have some vendors at this event (there are so many new, cool things to showcase), the usual snacks and a chance to really understand how amazing female genitalia really is. And like all Duckling events it is fun, social, warm, and inclusive.
Educational, fun and with the essential life experience that everyone who has a vagina, wishes they did, or regularly wants to play with one needs to know about.

$30 including refreshments. This is an open event so everyone is welcome. Bring a friend and find out all about the Ducklings and our School of Sex series. Discounts for the next six School of Sexes and therapy receipts are also available. Click here to find out more and sign up!

You can pay at the door but there are maximums that the room holds so purchasing in advance is strongly encouraged.

Re-ignite you! February 4th, 2017 9-4, Ottawa! Four great speakers!


Give yourself the gift of re-igniting and rebuilding your relationships. It all starts with you!
Allow yourself to work from the outside in and the inside out and get clear about what you want in your future.
Empower your sex life! Find out how to increase your libido, ignite the passion, and discover your authentic sexy self.
Got money questions? Re-vamp your money plans, re-think your spending and make sure you are in charge of your credit and cash flow.


“You have to find what sparks a light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world.”

-Oprah Winfrey

In a fun and exciting environment; give yourself the gift of this amazing opportunity to ignite your inner change and connect with others who want to rebuild, restore and refresh.

Diane Valiquette

Do you know why you do the things you do? Do you know what your patterns are in relationships, why they exist and how to change the ones that are just not working? It all starts with you! With Diane’s help you will learn why you do the things you do in relationships, why you pick the partners you do, and how to empower yourself to create the best relationships possible.

Sue McGarvie

Good sex is part of a healthy and abundant life and is an important part of the human condition. Food tastes better, the sun shines brighter and great sex is the glue that sticks relationships together. Find out how to increase your libido, ignite the passion, and discover your sexy self. We will explore new models of relationships, learn about the five things you need to understand before meeting a new partner, and make your intimacy magical.

Pierrette Raymond

Going through transition and starting over can be very difficult. In this session Pierrette Raymond, life makeover specialist, will guide you through a powerful experience of getting clear about what you want for your future; how to let go of what no longer serves physically, emotionally and psychologically. Pierrette will help you move forward and live your life to the fullest. This session will leave you feeling empowered knowing that you can do it, you can create the life that you want, your way.

Judith Cane

Money – one of the most powerful forces in the world. Do you understand it all? Judith Cane, Canada’s Money Coach does and she’ll share it with you through a dynamic, engaging presentation. Got questions? Ask. Answers? Judith has them. Plain-talking, point-making, educational and entertaining, Judith Cane, will help you to re-ignite your money plans, re-think your spending and make sure you are in charge of your credit and cash flow.

My clients get a 2 for 1 rate! Bring a friend and make the change! $50 for the day is great!
Click here for yours! What a deal!!!

Why the need for women (and many men) to connect personally – before they put out sexually

I’m often asked during one of my counseling sessions by confused men “why their partners aren’t interested in sex?” I hear from men who are frustrated that “they need to give a 2 hour massage before they can get laid”. For many women I speak to they are frustrated and often irked by their partners because of normal life issues. And if they are miffed at their guys, usually the last thing they want to do is to get naked with them.

It may not seem fair but the need to feel close and connected is one of the fundamentals for women to get uninhibited in the bedroom. Yes, passion can flair during a one-night-stand, but if you really want to know what buttons to push then making a partner feel noticed, appreciated, and emotionally close will throw open the doors to really hot sex. I don’t think men have to be perfectly behaved 100% of the time but they do have to hit women’s “connection button” before women become more interested in being the sexually open partner their men remember.
While men can compartmentalize sex, most women can’t. Women like to think they can just have sex for sex’s sake, but those pesky hormones get in the way. In the case of feeling loved to be horny, it’s all about oxytocin – the cuddle hormone. Women need to feel bonded to get in the mood. And if their partners have been dumbasses throughout the day they feel disconnected. And for most (although not all) women, fighting turns down their sex drive significantly. That doesn’t mean you have to do everything she wants in order to get some action. It means that doing things that make her specifically feel close will overcome any of your daily shortcomings. For example, in my case I’m verbal. Telling me you love me- even if we haven’t had much time together, will cause me to melt and feel close. For other women, it’s doing things that make her life easier. Throwing in a load of laundry, or straightening up the bedroom will go a long way in settling down our daily OCD and making us receptive to sex.

The challenge for most men however, is that they feel loved when they are touched. And touch leads to sexy thoughts. It’s not quite the old adage “that most men want sex to feel close, and women need to feel close to have sex” but there is lots of truth in that statement. The truth is that sex (actually ejaculation) brings down men’s energy and ups their desire to cuddle and connect emotionally. Often the ‘sperm brain phenomenon” gets in the way of the intimacy that women crave. Both men and women need a more accurate, and better communicated list of what they truly need from their mate in order to be sexual.

Doug and Leslie Gustafson have a great quote on the dialogue between men and women before sex.
“Most men have no history of positive role models for how to treat women, what real intimacy looks like and how to translate their needs for closeness into a positive way of pursuing their lover. And this is the rub! Think about it. Women want men who open up their feminine heart and body skillfully. Like a finely wrapped gift, they don’t want the beautiful wrapping paper and ribbon hurriedly ripped off, wadded up and tossed into the garbage. They want to experience profound safety, honor and excitement in how men approach them, hold them and ask to be inside. Men, on the other hand, are quite capable of “paving the way” to intimacy — after the fact. They surrender to their feminine, touchy-feely side during and after sex. During and after!

What a chasm in timing. Men want sex, which helps move them into a deeper connection with all their emotional wants and needs. Women want that deeper connection before the bedroom door opens. Ultimately, they both want the same thing. Passionate, rock-the-bed-stand, earthquake sex with souls bared wide open in tenderness, connection and erotic touch. And orgasms that spell not only physical release, but the intersection of two souls who need a deep kind of love suspended in time, delivered with expertise and boat-floating sexiness.”

So what can you do?

Much of it comes down to self-awareness. Knowing what you need and how to articulate it to your partner. As an example, asking for a hug, or saying “I would really like to fool around later”, or just holding your partner without the expectation of sex can pay big dividends later when you do have time for sex. Alternatively trying to be calm and asking for some gentle touch and eye-gazing (even if you are a bit mad) can close the gap you need to be intimate.

It may seem a bit corny but I really like the research on gratitude statements. A gratitude statement is exactly what it sounds like. Showing appreciation and telling your sweetie what you are grateful for. “One study looked at 36 committed couples. They found that even though relationships have ups and downs, they were reliably marked by one person’s feeling of gratitude. The study concluded that everyday gratitude serves as an important relationship maintenance mechanism, acting as a booster shot to the relationship”. The reverse is also true. When partners (especially men) hear complaints, blame or disrespect, it can have a devastating effect on his testosterone. He then feels neglected and very disconnected.

So praise, touch, gratitude, self-awareness and words of love are some of the best advice I can give people on improving the “disconnected” part of their sex lives. The next time you are being rebuffed for sex, try some praise, and words of love. That may be a better way to get some between the sheets action.

Female Sexual Dysfunction – It’s more common than you think (low libido or arousal)

Guest medical write B, who has listed the discussion points about female sexual dysfunction or low libido. She does a great job outlining the reasons for female sexual dysfunction. The challenge is to supply solutions. In the next blog i have a checklist including blood tests and other troubleshooting ideas that you can bring to your doctor (or go through on your own) to figure out why you’ve lost your loving feeling.

I rushed in 7 minutes late, Bridgehead coffee in hand, inadvertently displaying to my tiny class of eight where my loyalties lie in the morning. Caffeinated and ready to go, I was expecting the typical Monday morning routine: hypothetical patient presents with a slew of symptoms. Discuss what you would ask in your history, which investigations you would order, and which imaging tests you would run. Diagnose and treat.
This morning’s case, however, was a little different than the typical chest pain or sore back. Patient: 30-something year-old female. Presenting complaint: low libido & loss of sexual interest. With more than one third of Canadian women experiencing low libido and sex drive, it is a real and pervasive issue that doctors must be trained to address. The reasons for which a woman might experience low sexual desire are complex and multi-faceted. To varying degrees, physical & psychological causes, as well as hormonal changes, and relationship problems can all contribute to a loss in a woman’s libido.

The female sexual response cycle is broken down into four phases: excitation, plateau, orgasm, and resolution, any of which can lead to low libido if disrupted. The excitation phase, lasting anywhere from a few minutes to several hours, occurs as a result of physical or mental erotic stimuli. Simply put, it’s in this stage where we start to get all hot ’n bothered. The plateau stage is basically a continuation of the same changes evident in the excitement stage. For those who don’t often achieve orgasm, this is the peak of sexual excitement. The orgasm phase is well, orgasmic. Knees weaken, heart rates shoots up, body spasms occur, and we get an overall euphoric sensation. This euphoria is caused by a rapid release of the feel-good hormones, oxytocin and endorphins. Finally, the resolution phase allows the muscles to relax, blood pressure to drop and the body to slow down from its excited state.
The are plenty of reasons why one or more of these stages could be disrupted; stress, fatigue, poor communication, and a lack of intimacy with your partner are among the top culprits. Surprisingly, while a glass of wine may relax you and make you feel more amorous, too much can actually spoil your sex drive. Also be aware of the effects of certain medications; anti-depressants, such as SSRIs, are notorious libido killers. There are also dozens of physical and hormonal causes that should be investigated as well. Women’s hormone levels fluctuate greatly throughout their cycle, affecting everything form their mood, to their appetite, to their sex drive. While less common in younger women, certain chronic conditions such as arthritis, coronary artery disease, anemia, and neurological diseases can also lessen a woman’s libido. As women enter menopause, their estrogen levels being to decline, resulting in decreased lubrication, and at times, decreased sex drive.

Female sexual dysfunction affects more than just a woman’s sex drive. It can have major implications on her relationship with her partner, as well as her overall wellbeing. While several drug companies have attempted to create the female equivalent of Viagra, the results have been underwhelming. Viagra acts as a vasodilator, increasing blood flow to the genitals, allowing men to sustain a longer erection. Drug companies have found that the male brain responds to medically induced physical sexual arousal with a corresponding increase in psychological sexual arousal, but the female brain does not. If a man is physically turned on, he will also become psychologically turned on. Women, however, seem to require more than just physical stimulation.

The question then remains – if there isn’t an easy fix like viagra, how do we address women’s sexual dysfunction problems? We must treat the cause. Women should work together with their their family physician or find a sex therapist to try and pinpoint potential causes. Since female sexual dysfunction is often complex and multifactorial, women need to be patient and understand that their problems won’t be solved overnight. Physicians may suggest an alteration of certain medications, a referral to a psychologist/sex therapist, or a detailed work-up for potential medical causes.

If you experience persistent, recurrent problems with sexual response, desire, orgasm or pain that distress you or strain your relationship with your partner, then do not hesitate to address this problem with your family doctor. This is a very common issue that affects more than 30 percent of women. Doctors are well-trained to deal with these issues and refer you to the appropriate services if needed.

It Hurts So Good, One Man’s SPH (small penis) Journey

I large number of my clients have fetishes, kinks, and concern about their genitals. Good therapy often includes hearing and acknowledging specific sexual issues and assuring my clients that they aren’t alone, perverted, or unusual in feeling the way they do. Hearing about a sexual worry (or a turn on) in therapy is often the first step to finding a way to feel better about one’s sexuality. Feeling like you are weird or have something “off sexually” can feel all-consuming. Small penis for example is a very common issue presented in my office. Here is one person’s perspective about his the work on his issue pf penis size and his desire for SPH in the hopes of helping other men.

By CL, guest writer

Next, she told me to pull down my shorts. As they fell at my feet and I stood naked before her, she laughed a loud wicked laugh, lay back on the bed, and said: “Definitely not a man, you’re practically dickless; my girlfriends are all going to hear about this, and there’s no way I’m ever letting you fuck me with that tiny little thimble between your legs.” I knelt at her feet, and she parted her knees. Just before burying my face between her thighs, I smiled and asked her to say it again, and again….
What’s in a Kink?
This is actually reflective of a fairly common kink among men, regardless of their actual size. Small penis humiliation (SPH) is probably not one they’d ever mention to guy friends. They may not even be able to discuss it with an intimate partner. If they did, experience would tell them that most women aren’t naturally inclined to go there, some even if it’s clear that he wants or needs this as part of mutually satisfying bedroom play.
I used the word “kink”, but any of these will do:
According to their dictionary definitions, I’ve listed them in ascending order of intensity or reference specifically to sexual gratification. A predilection is simply a preference, and a fetish at the other end of the spectrum is an object or body part that’s necessary for sexual gratification and it can be a harmful preoccupation. I actually favor the first two. They’re G-rated words, but they convey the meaning in context, and they go well together.
This posting is the second part of a two-part series. The first part dealt with practical and realistic considerations while dating for a man with a small penis:
Like that first posting, it’s my experience, and intended to help others move past fear, shame, and insecurity, or at least find a productive and positive time and place for those old companions to be called upon to spice things up. It would be fair to say that there’s a cultural obsession with penis size, particularly among men and boys, and size insecurity is a lingering and persistent issue, resulting in negative self-image and a lack of confidence for many males throughout their lives. In the first part, I addressed dating. In this second part, I address harnessing all of that old negative energy and channeling it for erotic pleasure.
Beginning that Journey
For me, it didn’t happen overnight. I wish my journey to this point had been more direct, like a straight line. It wasn’t. I first observed at age 6 that my penis was much smaller than those of other boys my age. That was when I first felt a sense of shame about being sexually under-endowed and dread at what might lay ahead for me if it didn’t grow. Although I expected it would grow, I started hiding my nakedness from others’ eyes as best I could. It turns out it never did grow. At age 19, I realized that I had reached my full adult height, and that my penis would probably remain unusually small. The early humiliations in social and sexual situations would likely be repeated or occur in new ways. They were, and they did. Over time, and entering full adulthood, what I gained was control. The occasional medical procedure excepted, I got to decide when to be naked in the presence of others, and who would learn about my physical anomaly.
Taking Control
I was in my 30s and married for the second time before I understood that the fears and insecurities could be put to controlled use. They were based on my actual experiences and cultural references, and they had fueled the vast majority of my masturbatory fantasies since puberty, and my immature sexual thoughts beginning years before puberty. I experimented, read from an increasing body of research and erotic literature, and learned what I could from others. By my 40s, I finally came to accept what I had once considered a curse had actually been a blessing. I have one significant kink, finally the ability to understand it, and the physical equipment to make it more than a fantasy role play. SPH or its kinder, gentler kin, small penis teasing (SPT), is what I need in order to be most satisfied. It’s what I need for full and genuine sexual expression.
It’s a form of emotional or erotic masochism, and it can pair well with a physical component, but it doesn’t have to do any harm. For me, it isn’t maladaptive at all. It never comes up, except among consenting and trusting adults. I seek its expression only in socially acceptable and inoffensive ways. It’s never interfered with work, made me a neglectful parent, nor involved breaking any law. It won’t ruin my liver or my lungs. It doesn’t stop me from being interested in indulging another’s kinks or satisfying my wife’s needs. On the contrary, what I lack in one sexual attribute makes me more eager and determined to give pleasure in other ways. The more we call attention to the stark and glaring insufficiency of my penis, the more energetic my efforts, and the better the results for both of us.
Mars Men and Venus Women, Yet Again
I mentioned that this is mainly a kink for men. Sexual arousal and expression that’s rooted in longstanding fears and insecurities tend to be strong ones. As Sue McGarvie can attest from her therapy practice and experience in the field, penis-size insecurity among men is practically an epidemic. More than being judged by others, we judge ourselves, compare ourselves to pornographic images, and hear frequently: “size does matter.” Well, it does, but not nearly as much as men think it does.
There are women who prefer a husband or boyfriend with a small penis, say significantly smaller than average, because of the erotic pleasure of teasing him about it. They’re out there, but exceptionally rare. Unicorn, anyone? More commonly, it’s the male partner’s kink and she may enjoy it or not. Like any deeply-rooted kink that’s not openly talked about, and perhaps difficult for even the kinkster to understand or to express in words, mismatches are common. The phenomenon sparked by the popularity of the 2011 book, “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James, included droves of women who suddenly confided in partners that they’d secretly craved for years or decades to be dominated. For a pair in an exclusive marriage or other long-term relationship, this posed a problem for many. She may crave the sub experience, but he may not be a Dom by nature, nor mentally and emotionally wired for it, even as bedroom play. The problem isn’t what she wants, but that she thinks it should be easy for him to adapt to and adjust based on this new disclosure of hers.
Similarly, when a man confesses years or decades into a relationship that he wants to be teased or humiliated for having a small penis, and for his wife or girlfriend to tell him how much better endowed and more sexually satisfying her previous partners have been, this can pose an obvious problem in a relationship. Often, women aren’t wired for this. Even if they wouldn’t mind an extra couple of inches or something more girthy down there, it can seem objectionably cruel, shallow, or superficial, to tell a man she’s committed to share long term intimacy with that his penis is too small to satisfy her sexual needs. We all have body insecurities of one kind or another, and it seems counter-intuitive to be asked to berate a man for a physical attribute he can’t change, even if it clearly arouses him and he asks for it. The problem isn’t in what he wants, but that he thinks it should be easy to adapt and adjust to this new disclosure of his. Good girls don’t make fun of a man’s junk, not right in front of him anyway, and what might this lead to – him asking to watch her have sex with other men? It can be difficult, and no matter how harmless the activity, disclosing longstanding and intense secret fantasies to a long-term partner, can have the effect of breaking down trust rather than building it. However it goes, trust is the lifeblood of all human relationships.
Back to my Journey – The Measure of a Man
My own journey toward SPH wasn’t a direct, straight line. It was probably around age 30 that I even knew it could be a real destination. It’s something I had to discover. It’s actually an advantage in this one area of kink that my penis is very small. The fear that I didn’t and wouldn’t measure up sexually has been a persistent feature of my erotic thoughts and masturbatory fantasies. Whether changing clothes in a locker room, stripping-off with a group of friends for a nude swim or dip in a hot tub, or undressing for the first time with a new romantic partner, it’s conspicuously obvious that I’m not like other men. A urologist MD informed me in early adulthood that I have a micropenis. It’s the medical term, whatever the cause, and there are many causes, for a penis sized in the bottom one half of one percent, relative to age, adult in my case. With increasingly reliable information about what average size is, an adult micropenis is one with a length of 2 ½ inches (6 1/3 cm) or less. That doctor further described the size of my penis as being “infantile.” It remains so today.
The anxiety that I later sexualized began with trying to hide myself from others as a child. Hiding wasn’t always possible, and being teased by male peers or having them inform female peers reinforced and intensified my sense shame. Seeing pornographic images, male siblings’ and peers’ pubertal development, and observing that the rest of me was growing but my penis remained tiny and my testes and scrotum also small added to my diminishing hope of growth.
Finding Out About Sex, and Being Found Out
It all changed when girls my age began to notice me in a new way, and I began to date, leading eventually to sexual contact. I felt that I was living a lie, pretending to have something I didn’t, and that I was bound to be found out. I was, and the first few sexual experiences included humiliations that added to my bank of shame: condoms slipping off, penis slipping out repeatedly, hearing the words “so small” and “so tiny.” These experiences went not only into a bank of shame, but what one person much later in life referred to as a “permanent spank bank,” a collection of masturbatory thoughts. Alcohol tends to loosen the tongue, and out with friends or work colleagues in my 20s, others made jokes or references to penis size, usually to my secret shame…but also secret arousal.
I’d had to deal in some way with the questions posed to me in the bedroom: “Why is it so small?” and “Can’t you make it bigger?”, but I had no way of initiating or otherwise engaging on the subject. I became a perceptive and giving lover, but I couldn’t yet go there – couldn’t ask for SPH for my pleasure, or guide the activity there when the fact of my size and physical limitations became apparent. I just couldn’t bring myself to lighten up and have some fun with that aspect of the situation. What I was missing was that it wasn’t all frustration and disappointment, and that some of the women who entered my life may have enjoyed exploring the possibilities with me, of exposing my “little secret” to a girlfriend with my knowledge, of measuring me and laughing at the result, of complaining during vaginal penetrative intercourse that she couldn’t feel anything and that my penis was just way too small for sex. Some certainly would have gone there, if I’d asked, especially after they’d commented on our mismatched sexual organs, but I couldn’t yet bring myself to ask.
You’ve Got to Be Prepared to Ask for What You Need and Want
The next step on that journey was in my late 20s, after my first marriage had ended and I was again dating. It was the practical necessity to disclose the situation before sex was immediately imminent. Not only did this help build trust, and give a new romantic partner a graceful exit if my physical deficiency might be a relationship dealbreaker for her, but the conversations were deeply arousing to me. Being able to initiate discussion on the subject and not merely blush and die inside was liberating. It opened the door within a few years to asking for sexual play that made an issue of the small size of my penis, and to guide that play. I’d discovered that pain/pleasure satisfaction of SPH and that I craved it.
The fact that I enjoyed it so much meant that I considered and discovered many ways to indulge it. I came to understand a few things. First, it was the control we have as adults and in relationships based on trust that balance pain and pleasure to produce an overall positive result. When I was 15, there was nothing pleasurable in the instant of having a male peer “out” me to a group of girls our age by referring to me as having a “babydick.” Their knowing giggles and the looks on their faces when my silent embarrassment confirmed an unusually small penis are etched in my mind and memory. The pain at the time was unequivocal, no matter how arousing it has been to think of it ever since.

Now, I have control. I’ll gladly expose the truth when it suits me, and I know when I register to run in a clothing-optional 5K race with hundreds of other nude adults, that people will notice that I’m the only man there whose flaccid penis is completely retracted, appearing to be no more than a nub of skin. I know it’s not a sexual situation, and I’m legitimately a good runner who enjoys the company of nudists as honestly accepting people. However, I can’t deny the secret thrill of it being obvious to any and all who care to look that I’m by far the smallest-endowed man there, something one just doesn’t see every day, especially on a man who’s otherwise fit.
In our private time together, I take special pleasure in having my wife run her finger up and down the length of her labia as she says to me: “You’ll never be able to satisfy me with that little teenie weenie peenie.” I wasted so much time and energy earlier in life trying to hide myself and fearing what would happen when people found out. In order to minimize the anticipated harm, I foreclosed all of the positive sexual energy that I might have experienced and shared.

All a Matter of Perspective

I once used to look up, shake my fist heavenward, and yell: “Hey, you missed a spot down here!” In time, I came to learn that I’m just part of the variety and variation of nature, and that the silent message back was: “That little penis of yours is a gift, so quit complaining and go have some fun with it, but without hurting anyone.”
My message to others who’ve read this far is that, whatever your kink, go have some fun with it, but without hurting anyone. Your kinks are probably not as strange or shameful as you think, but if you have a long-term partner, and you’ve never disclosed this before, be clear and direct but take it slowly and understand if he or she can’t yet, or maybe can’t ever, take that particular path with you.

So if this article resonates with you and you need to talk further then it’s time to reach out. Send me an email or fill out the contact form and we can put your fears, concerns at rest and set up an action plan. Be gentle with yourself. Sue

Local date night suggestions. Ottawa area things to do to keep relationships connected

couples3333Keeping Things Hot as the Temperature Drops
As the leaves fall the temperatures dip, it can certainly be difficult to find a good reason to leave the warm comfort of home. Luckily enough, The Capital offers a multitude of fun date night activities, making it a little easier to forgo your typical night of Netflix and takeout for an evening of romance and excitement!

Complimentary Oysters at Luxe Bistro
Every Tuesday evening from 4:30-6:30pm, Luxe offers a complimentary Oyster Happy Hour, where guests who order a drink and food are welcome to as many little creatures as their hearts’ desire. I’ve been known to eat upwards of thirty in one sitting! The delicious food, modern décor, and relaxing ambiance all make for a truly luxe-urious experience. And hey – oysters are said to be aphrodisiacs! While the science may still be a bit hazy on whether certain foods can actually stimulate sexual desire, there’s no denying that a romantic date night at one of Ottawa’s poshest restaurants is sure to get anyone in the mood!
A Night in Old Ottawa South
Old Ottawa south doesn’t get nearly the recognition it deserves. Just over the bridge from Lansdowne and the Glebe, this little gem is home to a fabulous selection of pubs, restaurants, and wine bars. Begin your date-night at The Belmont, a neighbourhood haunt specializing in unique small plates and creative cocktails using only the freshest ingredients from local farms. Afterwards, go catch a flick at The Mayfair, Ottawa’s oldest active movie theatre, operating since 1932. Inside, there are four faux-balconies, stained-glass windows, and wrought ironwork that will make you feel like you’ve been transported to another era for the evening. After the film, cap your night off at Quinn’s, a cozy little pub just a stone’s throw from the theatre.

Explore Gatineau Park
There’s nothing more romantic that an escape to the Gatineau Hills in the fall. The Champlain Lookout, best known for its stunning bird’s-eye views of the hills over the Ottawa Valley, is the perfect place to sit back, relax and enjoy each other’s company. Breath in the crisp country air on a hike along the 1.2-kilometre hiking trail surrounding the lookout. On your way back to town, take a stroll through the charming streets of Old Chelsea, where you’ll find plenty of little cafés and specialty shops to enjoy. The Cafe Chat Siberien and the Chelsea Pub are two of my favourites!

Cooking and Wine Classes at La Bottega Nicastro
La Bottega Nicastro in the Byward Market offers cooking and wine tasting classes led by various guest chefs and wine experts from the region. As you sip on fine Italian wine, you and your date will be guided through the preparation of a gourmet three-course meal that you’ll get to enjoy along the way. Check out their website for upcoming classes and registration:

A Night at the Museum

Come party with the creatures of your planet at Nature Nocturne. Every month, the castle-like Nature Museum is transformed into Ottawa’s best dance party. It’s a fabulous opportunity to dress up, let loose, and discover the Museum after hours. The event combines DJs, live music, mingling, dancing, food stations, bars, and fascinating exhibitions.

Thanks to B for all of these. Watch here for more of her ideas and thoughts.