Category: Sexual Fantasies

Common sexual fantasies – They may be different than you think

fantasies3So you have a recurring sexual fantasy that keeps looping through your head about an office coworker? Are you reading trashy “girl porn- harlequin romance bodice rippers” on the way to work and wish one would come true? Or you don’t seem to have any fantasies at all? Do you have “I never believed it would happen to me” Penthouse letters kind of thoughts about the naughty hitchhiker or pizza delivery person?
If you can relate to any of those scenarios it means that you are perfectly normal. The one thing that seems to come out of all the research on fantasies is that there isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” when it relates to sexual imagination. You can have the typical threesomes, group sex, or you with a harem roll play going on. Or your fantasies are quiet and almost non-existent. What the research consistently shows is that it is all common place.
But what are the most repeated fantasies?
My husband and I run a course a few times per year called the Ethical Hedonist course about spicing up your relationship and understanding your sexuality. During our discussion of fantasies, we send around cue cards to get a sense of what everyone’s fantasies were. When they are written down anonymously most people are open about their secret musings. Because they are read aloud they may not be quite as kinky as those where you imagine yourself in the bad prison guard costume, but you can see if any of the below list might be something that you find appealing. Real people with real unedited fantasies.
-watching someone masturbate
-outdoor sex, waterfalls, forests
-sexy lingerie
-complete total stranger (no strings attached)
-someone in authority
-airplane sex
-woman in a body suit
-watch my partner with another person
-being tied up
-back of the truck at work
-being unwilling
-orgasm denial/teasing
-oral sex with chocolate or other food
-girl on girl
-high heels
“cleaning service by 2 french maids”
-Foursome with the neighbors
-toga and mazola/vegetable oil
-hot tub/sauna
stranger sex
-blindfolded and restrained
-being spanked
-public building
-cave or at the centre of a maze
-public shower

Why you should think about writing a contract for your sex life.

I’m a big believer in contracts. I think good paper makes good friends. I so firmly believe in this practice that I structure lots of interpersonal understandings and negotiate on paper. Renovating with my sweetie was a good example of this. Wen we agree to renovate a room in the house I think Martha Stewart wannabe, new furniture etc. He has a vision of a can of Canadian Tire paint and we are finished. So we contract it to manage both our expectations. I help write contacts for couples who want to try something usual in the bedroom. BDSM or tying your partner to the bedpost is a good example of this kind of agreement. That’s what I thought the brilliance was in 50 Shades of Grey. It sure wasn’t the writing. E.L. James the author put in a kinky contract reserved for edgy play agreements into a mainstream erotic novel that went out to women all over. I wish I had thought of it.
Contracts makes things clear between two parties.

I used to teach pre-marraige courses for the Anglican Church and I spoke often about the need for a written agreement to head off fights that happen between new couples. It was usually around the three most controversial issues for people just starting the live together. They are money, sex and housework. It was always surprising to me that modern guys had this belief that their wives would work all week and do most of the housework. Or that women felt that sex once a month for most healthy, adult men was adequate. Think of the dish schedule your mom used to put up in the kitchen. I really do believe that if you can write up something clearly about where you want this aspect of your life to go, it will encourage understanding.

It’s not just for interpersonal relationships that contracts are becoming in vogue. It’s all the rage now for workplaces to look at something called a love contract. It may seem a bit Big Brotherish, but it’s an issue. There are more and more relationships have been originating in the workplace. Sometimes when the relationship goes sour, the parties can cause some problems (harassment claims etc…) within the workplace. In an effort to prevent such problems without completely banning office relationships, employers are instituting Love Contracts. A workplace Love Contract often covers things like refraining from public displays of affection, one person will be moved to another department, and a notification to the supervisor when the relationship has ended etc…

But if you are having a difficulty being on the same page with your partner- especially when it comes to sexual adventures, you might want to consider a sex agreement. I’ve put a sample on below but they can really just offer clarity around an emotional topic. If you are having trouble, drop me a line and it’s usually a quick one-off counseling session to set things right. It may really help your relationship or give you a quick roadmap to the kind of hot sex you’ve been fantasizing about.

Lifestyle Contract
The goal is to have new sexual adventures that will enhance your relationship.
Any play will be mutually beneficial and will work on pleasing both partners. A close, connected relationship is the anticipated outcome.
We agree that play happens with both of us together so that it doesn’t make us twitchy.
The lifestyle/kinky sex is to be fun for both. However the primary relationship comes first. When there is discord, play becomes disconnecting. So daily 30 second hugs, and lots of communication is paramount.
Increased cuddling, and reassurance needs to happen after any play. A regular effort to increase cuddling, kissing and connection should happen all the time but especially after play.
Both partners have veto power. And all thoughts and opinions WILL be respected on the outcome.
Fights over kinky sex puts play on hold for a duration of 2 weeks.
There will be a sensuous date night for every lifestyle and or play activity that happens.
No sex is better than bad sex because it pushes interest in lifestyle play away.
The premise is that play enhances our relationship. The emphasis is on fun, friendship, laughter, connection, heat, intimacy, and community. Pressure and a lack of communication impacts this philosophy.
Safe words need to be established. Especially a word that requires an immediate check in for the both of you.

The lifestyle (like anything new sexually) is a moving target. Conditions may be added and removed as we progress down this road. Integrity, communication and togetherness are the underlying premises. We have discussed this at length and agree to these terms.

Signed _________________________________________ Date _______________________
Signed __________________________________________ Date _______________________

List of the most common male and female sexual fantasies

fantasiesI’ve been writing the article about the most common male and female sexual fantasies for the new Couples Workshop we are doing this spring. We had a great time brainstorming about possible fantasies with the group last week. Police office and co-workers topped the list. Just saying.

I used to use the phone sex list of most popular topics as the list. If you were going to make a call, pay for it, and have someone act it out it seemed to be a good example of a deep seated fantasy. Things like anal, light S & M bondage two women, and girls with strap-ons seemed ever popular. However phone sex is rapidly becoming extinct with all the free porn on the web. So I trolled a long-time and have come up with the list from the web of the most popular male and female sexual fantasies. If you have any you want to ad, please make a comment below.

So what are the most common fantasies?

Female Sexual Fantasies
In a survey of dozens of academic research articles on sexual fantasy, psychologists Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning found the following themes among the top sexual fantasies:
Sexual fantasies are a normal, healthy, and necessary part of our sexuality.

Although fantasies are often kept locked in our memories, studies have found that women have recurrent sexual fantasies that are common among them.

Whether they are based on past experiences or totally imaginary, sexual fantasies are prevalent among all, regardless of how people feel about them. Here are the Top 10 fantasies women have:

10. Sex With a Stranger: Most women fantasize about meeting a complete stranger and being taken to a motel and made love-to passionately. In this fantasy, women have sex uninhibitedly. The rationale for this fantasy is that women feel they can let themselves totally lose with a stranger who, most likely, they will never see again.
9. Group Sex: Women fantasize about being engaged in sex with multiple partners at the same time and being touched and penetrated by men and women simultaneously.

8. Dominating a Man: One of women’s most recurrent is to dominate men. In their fantasies, women spank, order him to perform specific sexual acts, make him beg to get what he wants, and have men suck on their stiletto shoes or some other phallic object.

7. Having Sex in Public: Many women fantasize about having an audience while having sex with their partners. In such fantasies, women feel empowered by knowing that others are getting sexually aroused about their sexual performance.

6. Being Dominated: Whether it is to resist and disobey them or to give in to their demands, women fantasize about having a master. Submission that leads to an orgasm after obeying the orders of a master, or fight him to refuse his demands only to be forced into penetration until she surrenders, is a common sexual fantasy among women.

5. Having Sex With Another Woman: Women often fantasize about touching and being touched by another woman and engaging in sexual acts with other women.

4. Exotic Professional: Women fantasize about being prostitutes or being strippers and getting paid to perform sexual acts with their clients.

3. Two Men: Many women have a recurrent fantasy about having sex with two men at the same time and being masturbated or penetrated by both men simultaneously.

2. Wear the Pants and the Penis: A common fantasy among women is to be in control by wearing a strap-on penis and penetrating men.

1. Being Taken Advantage Of: The number one sexual fantasy women have is to be innocent, naïve, and “new” at the sexual practices and be taken advantage of by a man, especially if this man is in a position of power or influence. Fantasies about rape fall in this category, in which women fantasize about being forced into having sex by a virile and expert man.


How about male sexual fantasies?

10. Sharing his partner
The reasons for this fantasy are quite diverse. Some of the men who fantasize about this simply enjoy the thought of pleasuring a woman in ways that are physically impossible for a single man (at the same time, anyway), others are turned on by the element of humiliation to themselves it can contain, and yet others get excited over the element of submission on the woman’s side that might be implied. All these different fantasies combined make this one of the more popular themes.

9. Being watched
The combination of being taboo and involving others is what makes this fantasy a turn-on for quite a few men. Forbidden fruit is always attractive, especially when it comes to sex. When the chance of showing off ones sexual prowess to the world is added to that, it becomes an irresistible fantasy for many.

8. Age differences
Sometimes it’s a simple matter of taste, sometimes a matter of wanting what you don’t have, and sometimes a matter of nostalgia. Either way, men often fantasize about women with ages vastly different from their own. Eighteen year old men fantasize about women in their forties, fifty-eight year old men fantasize about eighteen year old women, and so on.

7. Going down
When it comes to specific sex acts, one of the most popular ones to fantasize about is performing oral sex on women. Both the thought of pleasuring a woman as well as stimulating senses like taste and scent make this fantasy incredibly arousing for many men.

6. Various orifices
While performing oral sex on women is a popular fantasy, even more popular are receiving oral sex from a woman or performing anal sex on her. The difference in sensations from “normal” sex as well as the taboo aspect these acts hold for some prove to be incredibly alluring for many men – especially those who haven’t tried them before.

5. Sexy outfits
Nurse costumes, schoolgirl outfits, leather corsets and smart business suits. They’re just a few of the many outfits men fantasize about women wearing. While men usually aren’t quite as interested in high fashion as women are, the right set of clothes will turn many on.

4. A change of scenery
“Location, location, location” might be the motto of real estate agents, but for many men it’s also a main feature of their fantasies. Whether it’s a tropical beach at night, the hood of their car, a sunny park in spring or the kitchen, sex in specific places is one of the most exciting fantasies for many men.

3. Watching
It’s often said that men are visual creatures, and this fantasy definitely confirms that. Watching a single woman masturbate, or watching a couple having sex – they’re favorite fantasies among a large group of men. Perhaps not surprising, considering the popularity of porn.

2. Giving up control
In a society where men are often expected to take initiative, it shouldn’t come as a shock that many of them fantasize about doing the exact opposite and completely giving up control to a woman. Fantasies involving this range from simply being lazy in bed to being tied up and ravished by a woman.

1. Three’s company
It’s cliché, but true: the most popular fantasy among men involves having sex with multiple women at the same time. Virtually every straight man will fantasize about it several – or, more likely, numerous – times in his life. Even if it usually doesn’t work out quite as well as you’d hope in real life, as a fantasy it is virtually unbeatable.

Sleep sex. How your late night quicky may be something neither of you remember.

Having been a sex therapist for over 20 years there are few sexual problems that I haven’t seen in clinical practice. I’ve seen diaper fetishes, skipping rope obsessions, polygamy in all forms as well as what I thought was every kind of sexual dysfuntion. However recently, I had a patient who was having “sleep sex”. Meaning he was masturbating, and jumping on his partner to orgasm without any remembrance of doing the deed. A trip to the sleep lab confirmed that he was in deep REM sleep during the sexual activity. It was the first time I’ve encountered it. It turns out it is one of eleven types of sex disorders.

Carlos Schenck of the Minnesota Regional Sleep Disorders Center said that basic instincts of the human psyche can reveal themselves during the course of sleep. This includes the animal instinct of sexual interaction embedded deep in the human mind.

What Schenck found was that people, a significant majority of whom are men, occasionally masturbate during sleep. Even more astounding, is that in the course of masturbation, they can sometimes initiate sex with a partner and reach orgasm during sleep. With no remembrance of the night’s events, people with the disorders usually find out about this disorder through their partner or roommate.

If you have a regular partner and simply push them away or wake them up would work. Generally, I love being woken up for sex (if you can rouse me out of a dead sleep). But if your partner isn’t present, even I can see how daunting that would be.

ufferers of sex-related sleep disorders might feel ashamed at having this ailment, but people should know that it is not an indicator of their daytime behavior. They are all perfectly normal people with psychologically stable minds. In no way does their unorthodox behavior during sleep reflect their overall personality.

People with sexsomnia are encouraged to note that the disorder is relatively easy to treat with medication. But if they don’t treat the problem once it becomes an issue, the sufferer runs the risk of developing a secondary psychological problem such as depression. Of course, as a sex therapist one of the most common issues I address is loss of libido relating to the use of anti-depressants. Sometimes the cure can be worse. Either way, it’s a good week when you run into something new.

Great suggestions for sexy date nights with your sweetie this summer.

For many of the couples I work with trying to find time to connect sensually is challenging. Life gets in the way. Between work, kids, extended families, housework, friends, and community commitments romance time takes a back seat. I’ve long preached the importance of a regular, standing date night. In our house we always book something fun, and sensuous at least once a week. Intimate time needs to be a habit. If you go too long without connecting in a sensuous way it becomes awkward. That elephant in the room and it’s easier just to go to bed. However couples that don’t have sex start to feel disconnected. They begin to think they are roommates, or “friends who parent”. I think date nights are one of the five things that couples NEED to do to stay married. It’s way cheaper than hiring my brilliant sister-in-law the divorce attorney.

So what can you do to keep that heat? To this end I’m posting an up-to-date list of ideas about great, sensuous date nights that don’t cost a fortune, but help create come fun and intimate connections. I’m going to try and add 5 new ideas a quarter so keep coming back and reading the newsletters. If you need me to help you by setting up a timetable and “cracking the whip” so to speak, I would be happy to do so. I’m covered by all group health insurance plans so it’s essentially FREE. Send me a note now to Whether by phone or in person, I’ll get you back on track.

I won’t promise that these tips will change your life, but I will say that if you leave them in the bathroom with a few pages highlighted, you may be surprised about how open your partner is to trying new things….

1. Drive around naked (or under a towel or wrap with nothing else on). Find a place to go parking that is off the beaten path. In Ontario cars are considered private property, and you have the expectation of privacy if you are well away from other people in a secluded environment. Speaking of naked, try nude sunbathing on one of the clothing optional beaches or campgrounds in Canada. They are safe, slightly naughty and I bet there is one near you. check out the, or for a spot near you.

2. Picnics and outdoor sex generally crank up the endorphins. The best story I heard was from a 85 year old couple who always had weekly picnics. In the backyard during the summer and in the living room in the winter. They considered their picnic basket one of their most prized possessions.

3. Do it yourself bondage. By placing two hands in a pillow case behind your back and lying down, your own body weight safely and easily traps your hands for quick immobilization. Cheap handcuffs from the dollar store have a universal key and are easy to get out of. Simple, and I bet you haven’t tried a set in ages.

4. Canadian Tire or hardware store sex toys. Visit the house wares and get a “massager” that plugs into the wall. 110 volts makes the best sex toys. Try a drop sheets can be used for rolling around in oil, practicing squirting, and playing with chocolate body paint. Paint brushes for warm oil, ceiling hook to attach the rope too….whatever floats your boat.

5. Shop online for sex toys. Even if you don’t buy anything read about what’s new. My favourite these days are and who would have thought, Amazon are all decent sites. Sex toy shops in person in your ‘hood often have great classes where you can learn everything from Japanese rope bondage, to making your own sex toys.

6. Dollar store shopping. Cheap paintbrushes for writing on your body in oil, water based paints for getting really creative, water balloons (get wet inside and out), lightest sandpaper for a full body scruffing, and small LED flashlights (for playing gynecologist). Try something fun and add it to your tickle trunk.

7. Douche bags to clean out vaginas (and separate ones for rectums). With warm water, it helps clean out every orifice and makes the way clear for loads of oil and lube for vaginal play or anal sex. The ones I bought from the drug store are called vaginal syringes. They make you feel clean and fresh. I use a little vinegar and water and am far more likely to get frisky if I know my partner will find me pleasant.

8. Butterscotch instant pudding. Or chocolate, vanilla or anything that tickles your fancy or your taste buds. 5 minutes and you’ve got a fun activity. I use it in combination with the drop sheet. More women I know have tried oral sex with pudding than anything else. Just saying…

9. Adventure camping – White-water rafting, bungee jumping or anything that gets your adrenaline pumping will kick start things in the bedroom. The new study from Rutgers university supports all the earlier research that adrenaline bonds, and increases your testosterone levels.

10. Tea and ice cubes- The combination of the hot and cold on your genitals can be quite the sensation. Simple fun and erotic things you can add to spice things up this weekend.
It may be as simple as picking up a bottle of wine. The important thing is that even a $1 novelty item in the bedroom helps peak your interest. Set aside a date time and talk to your partner. It’s worth it.

If you want to look into pre-made date nights, consider joining the Ducklings! We are a social date-night group where the activities are planned for you. Idiot-proof romance and fun!


Sue McGarvie will, “in the nicest possible way”, take your audience from lube to romance items that require batteries, tongues and toes, and every orifice in between, on your quest to learn what they didn’t teach you in Grade 11 gym class.

Sue, the syndicated talk shoe host of Love and Romance, and Sex with Sue minutes is heard on Canada’s #1 Talk Radio station (CFRB Toronto) and is picked up internationally. Her television show Unzipped, aired on Global in 2004 and Sue will launch her new series on CTV in 2005. As President of United Nations, Sue’s UNIFEM Canada, the Women’s Development Fund of The United Nations, Sue’s expertise and experience in Reproductive medicine is sought after, and with a global understanding of the issues surrounding women, Sue offers a practical and truly professional presentation to women’s groups, medical and pharmaceutical audiences, and school and parent groups.

A talk that will have you realizing just how much you didn’t know, Tips, Toys and Techniques, will be a truly fun and memorable way to learn what’s now beyond the birds and the bees.






Why Men love Bitches – or how to be a ball breaker…


I had a girlfriend lend me the book "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov for a little light reading. It was entertaining, and bang on about how guys like girls with attitude.  Argov's advice put the women's movement back a hundred years as she explains how "to go from doormat to dreamgirl". This is the appeal in playing hard to get, using the combo techniques of flattery, and jealousy to build him up and tear him down.  There is a school of thought among sex therapists that men have the need to chase, and to be 'tuned up" by strong women". I'm mentioned before in my writing that I think 80% of men are sexually submissive. Often the colder and more elusive a she behaves, the more men seems to desire the woman in question. The more she tries and breaks down your ego and be in charge, (or the meaner she gets), the harder you'll try to keep her happy.

Most guys think the rebels, bad girls, the ones with the sexy shoes are awesome in bed. There is the need to be punished by strong women (just like Mom- it hits some deep-seated psychological need for many men), and there is the make-up sex. Think leather, handcuffs, threesomes, and some very naughty jokes. Certainly the Doris Day act (I knew her biblically, before she was a virgin), sweet act works when having tea with the grandparents, but bitchy and demanding all the while treating you like a king in bed is what most men are craving. There is something about that tough/sexy combination that leaves men with their tongues hanging out. Think Danica Patrick and her race car driving, butt kicking stance, all the while posing for Playboy. Her Superbowl ad won the TIVO award for the most downloads.


How to keep your relationship hot? Ask your partner about their sexual fantasies,

Decoding love
Between watching the Vancouver Olymipics this weekend, I'm reading a book by Andrew Trees called Decoding Love. It's subtitled "Why it takes twelve frogs to find a prince and other revelations from the science of attraction."

There are loads of insights, which I am still trying to digest. I'll add that to my new book on evolutionary biology with has some fascinating thoughts about why people cheat. Apparently according to Trees and Bunson (the other science book), we are collectively 76% likely to fool around on our partners. Women are 20-40% likely to fool around.

The chemistry of attraction takes 2-3 years to wane before we start to feel "neutrality" (isn't that a scary word) about our partners. One of the most interesting facts that Tress presents is the insight into women's fantasies. Women who fantasize about other men are the ones most likely to cheat. However if you encourage a range of creative fantasies with your sweetie it also keeps the relationship fresh and interesting. You may run the risk of her looking at the next guy, but you keep her heat up for spin offs in your own bedroom. 


One of my New Year's resolutions (besides eating less chocolate, blowing off the dust on our Wii fit, and to stop leaving my boots at the top of the stairs) is to blog more regularly. This way, just like on The corner Gas episode, everyone involved can tune me up if I lapse.

So in keeping with this theme of Newness, here are the top 8 new sex things (you may or may not have tried this year.

8. Hardware Store or vintage vibrators- They are the best. In Canada we get Canadian Tire money for ones that plug into the wall, and deliver 110 volts of lov'n. Ebay can give you a ready supply of The Phillips beauty set, a vintage vibrator that ranks as my personal fav.

7. Take a Trip to Hedonism. Large re-curring groups of people flock to Jamaica different weeks of the year, and get Fabulous group rates. Try The Bubbly Bares, or Fluffernutters. We`'ve seen rates out of Canada (with air included) for less than $1000.

6. Dollar store enema douche. I kid you not. They are marketed in the Qtip and pharmacy section of the dollar stores as douches, but are Great water disposable enema`s for couples wanting to be scrupulously clean for light touch in and around that erogenous zone.

5. Magnesium-glycinate – Known as 'mega-mag' it is an amazing mineral that your body doesn`t get nearly enough of, and will seriously increase your sex drive.

4. We vibe – The number 1 sex toy in the world, is great with couples, and offers female orgasms for women who want to climax during intercourse.

3. Ipod application of 365 positions – New email and downloaded app that will show you different positions to try each day of the year. Many are variations on the same theme (or require a level of gymnastic ability that escapes me), but they are fun to look at and can often kick-start the conversation.

2. Mango love oil andthe corkscrew hand job- made famous by porn star Asia Carrara, warmed oil is the secret of many a infamous mistress. For the enthusiastic novice warm some oil (women love scented ones) and simulate either opening a screw top on the clitoris, or simulating opening a wine bottle for penile play.

1. A fist in the bush – For couples whom have mastered the art of squirting or are looking for a new technique to master, the art of fisting may be less scary and more interesting than at first glance. You can`t get over stretched (your muscles will bring you back to the right size), and it can offer a completely new sensation for couples who are gentle and communicative. I`ll provide instructions based on the new sex technique book out. 

Happy New Year everyone, and let`s hope we all keep our resolutions.

The appeal of a hairy guy.,

Hairy4 I like hairy guys. Not like the gay men who worship “bears” the more gorilla-like the better, but there is nothing sexier than a man with a hairy chest. I was watching a volleyball game yesterday where all of the participants were topless. Some had hairy backs, some were hairless, but most sported a tuft or two on the playing field. I liken it to the same way guys feel about looking at women in tight t shirts.

Hairy chests in my opinion are sexy, cuddly and very masculine. One of my dinner partners at a pot luck on Sunday night said her husband’s hair (of which was substantial) is “like the teddy bear that keeps me warm. I snuggle into it every night.” I whole heartedly agree, and thing men without body hair as boyish and unappealing.

Not everyone agrees with me. In a conversation with a 23 year old friend, she said hairy guys are “gross”, and “should use the #3 trimmer on their arms, legs and backs to keep the fur under control”.  Justine Fields says she used to feel that way, but has mellowed a bit in her blog.

“Yesterday, we assaulted your eyes showed you a vomtastic advertisement waxed into a guy’s back hair. For some reason, this ad kind of reminded me of my parents. My dad is super hairy and I have no clue how my mom handles it. Whenever he takes off his shirt, I make fun of him and my mom always defends herself saying that when they got married, my dad wasn’t nearly as hairy. Because my dad’s natural sweater is so icky to me, I remember vowing as a child that I would never date anyone hairy. But since those days, I can’t say that I’ve been faithful to my younger self. I’ve dabbled with the hairless and the cavemen and I can genuinely say that I don’t prefer one to the other. As long as all the hair is tamed, I can deal.”

Hairy5 This comment came up the last time I the virtues of a hairy chest. “Sue your blog brought back the horrible memory of the time I was running in the park and saw another runner come toward me, I thought to myself, “why is this guy wearing a sweater in the middle of summer?”…it wasn’t a sweater. I thought I had blocked out that memory. Thanks for bringing it back. I may never sleep again.”

This is a topic that seems to polarize women. Far more so than shape, size, age or race, women who like or don’t like hair tend to be quite adamant in their preferences.