Category: More sex and relationship

The season of Sex. Great fall date night suggestions to take advantage of snuggling under the covers weather.

Did you know that there is a season for sex? It turns out it’s fall when moose, sheep and apparently people go into mating season and start to rut. There is a Newfie poem with the phrase “when the frost is on the pumpkin now that’s the time for dinky dunking”. It’s not particularly eloquent but it sums up the human reproductive trends.

According to Psychology Today, fertility peaks between 40-60 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s definitely fall weather.

“Human physiology indicates that we are also seasonal breeders. To be more specific, sex hormones, including testosterone, peak in the fall and are at their lowest in the summer. Early researchers made the mistake of focusing mainly on men who have a comparatively weak annual cycle. Women emerge as having a more pronounced increase in testosterone production in the fall that is double their lowest level in the summer (2). This suggests that both sexes would have a higher sex drive in the fall. This is particularly true of women, for whom testosterone is used to boost libido, whereas male testosterone has a less reliable effect on sex drive. Similarly, temperatures lingering mostly between 50 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit are optimal for fertilization, and that corresponds to the cooler fall weather in seasonal countries. One way of interpreting the seasonal effects on human fertility is in terms of the suppression of fertilization when it is very hot (in midsummer) or when it is very cold (in winter).”

That means women are much hornier in the fall. It also means you are more likely to conceive this time of year.

So what can you do to take advantage of the increased sexiness and get women more horizontal?

1. Encourage your partner to wear your jacket or dress shirt. I know we often stretch out the sleeves, but putting pheromones and your masculine scent all over her will make her ovaries start to twitch.

2. Take her costume shopping. Any Halloween store this month is a perfect date night place. They have skanky outfits and it’s the one time of year when you are celebrated for wearing them. They have lots of hunky superhero and viking costumes. And I don’t know any woman who hasn’t fantasized about Robert Downey Jr. as Ironman.

3. Try the corn maze hand in hand. It’s on my bucket list to get lost in one and do naughty things.

4. Find a haunted house. Anything that gets your adrenaline up bonds you as a couple. She will hang onto you.

5. Bonfires and snuggling up around them. They are especially good with one of those pumpkin lattes.

6. Giant leaf piles. When was the last time you rolled in one?

7. We just did one of the local dive through parks where you feed the wildlife carrots from your car. The animals were incredibly active compared to a summer visit. And it’s mating season there too and you might see a reproduction nature documentary in real life.

8. Wine tasting. The harvest is in and the wine is flowing. Our favourite local winemaker ( has a chocolate caramel mead (a honey wine) that is called “sex in a glass” and is the best panti-remover around.

9. Get one of those new weighted blankets and snuggle under it. It feels like you are being hugged the entire time you are touching. Makes for great foreplay.

10. Hayrides. We just went on a haunted hayride followed by a bonfire with warm cider. That’s a dating Yatzee. Feel free to beat it.

Why the need for women (and many men) to connect personally – before they put out sexually

I’m often asked during one of my counseling sessions by confused men “why their partners aren’t interested in sex?” I hear from men who are frustrated that “they need to give a 2 hour massage before they can get laid”. For many women I speak to they are frustrated and often irked by their partners because of normal life issues. And if they are miffed at their guys, usually the last thing they want to do is to get naked with them.

It may not seem fair but the need to feel close and connected is one of the fundamentals for women to get uninhibited in the bedroom. Yes, passion can flair during a one-night-stand, but if you really want to know what buttons to push then making a partner feel noticed, appreciated, and emotionally close will throw open the doors to really hot sex. I don’t think men have to be perfectly behaved 100% of the time but they do have to hit women’s “connection button” before women become more interested in being the sexually open partner their men remember.
While men can compartmentalize sex, most women can’t. Women like to think they can just have sex for sex’s sake, but those pesky hormones get in the way. In the case of feeling loved to be horny, it’s all about oxytocin – the cuddle hormone. Women need to feel bonded to get in the mood. And if their partners have been dumbasses throughout the day they feel disconnected. And for most (although not all) women, fighting turns down their sex drive significantly. That doesn’t mean you have to do everything she wants in order to get some action. It means that doing things that make her specifically feel close will overcome any of your daily shortcomings. For example, in my case I’m verbal. Telling me you love me- even if we haven’t had much time together, will cause me to melt and feel close. For other women, it’s doing things that make her life easier. Throwing in a load of laundry, or straightening up the bedroom will go a long way in settling down our daily OCD and making us receptive to sex.

The challenge for most men however, is that they feel loved when they are touched. And touch leads to sexy thoughts. It’s not quite the old adage “that most men want sex to feel close, and women need to feel close to have sex” but there is lots of truth in that statement. The truth is that sex (actually ejaculation) brings down men’s energy and ups their desire to cuddle and connect emotionally. Often the ‘sperm brain phenomenon” gets in the way of the intimacy that women crave. Both men and women need a more accurate, and better communicated list of what they truly need from their mate in order to be sexual.

Doug and Leslie Gustafson have a great quote on the dialogue between men and women before sex.
“Most men have no history of positive role models for how to treat women, what real intimacy looks like and how to translate their needs for closeness into a positive way of pursuing their lover. And this is the rub! Think about it. Women want men who open up their feminine heart and body skillfully. Like a finely wrapped gift, they don’t want the beautiful wrapping paper and ribbon hurriedly ripped off, wadded up and tossed into the garbage. They want to experience profound safety, honor and excitement in how men approach them, hold them and ask to be inside. Men, on the other hand, are quite capable of “paving the way” to intimacy — after the fact. They surrender to their feminine, touchy-feely side during and after sex. During and after!

What a chasm in timing. Men want sex, which helps move them into a deeper connection with all their emotional wants and needs. Women want that deeper connection before the bedroom door opens. Ultimately, they both want the same thing. Passionate, rock-the-bed-stand, earthquake sex with souls bared wide open in tenderness, connection and erotic touch. And orgasms that spell not only physical release, but the intersection of two souls who need a deep kind of love suspended in time, delivered with expertise and boat-floating sexiness.”

So what can you do?

Much of it comes down to self-awareness. Knowing what you need and how to articulate it to your partner. As an example, asking for a hug, or saying “I would really like to fool around later”, or just holding your partner without the expectation of sex can pay big dividends later when you do have time for sex. Alternatively trying to be calm and asking for some gentle touch and eye-gazing (even if you are a bit mad) can close the gap you need to be intimate.

It may seem a bit corny but I really like the research on gratitude statements. A gratitude statement is exactly what it sounds like. Showing appreciation and telling your sweetie what you are grateful for. “One study looked at 36 committed couples. They found that even though relationships have ups and downs, they were reliably marked by one person’s feeling of gratitude. The study concluded that everyday gratitude serves as an important relationship maintenance mechanism, acting as a booster shot to the relationship”. The reverse is also true. When partners (especially men) hear complaints, blame or disrespect, it can have a devastating effect on his testosterone. He then feels neglected and very disconnected.

So praise, touch, gratitude, self-awareness and words of love are some of the best advice I can give people on improving the “disconnected” part of their sex lives. The next time you are being rebuffed for sex, try some praise, and words of love. That may be a better way to get some between the sheets action.

New date night ideas! Pick a suggestion and make a sexy date happen.


So it’s late summer and the schedules are irregular. Life is good but there are lots of family, and social obligations and chores to be done. Planning a date night with your partner may have gotten lost in the shuffle. It’s definitely time to pick a few ideas and plan something before homework and football games take over.

1.Try a honey tasting! As a beekeeper and honey sommelier I definitely eat my share of honey. Honey has been known for its medicinal properties for thousands of years. Honey not only is an excellent sweetener, will never go bad, and can prevent wound infections it also can boost the immune system, relieve seasonal allergies, and improve gut health.
Honey also tastes amazing and has unique flavours based on the geographical location, types of flower nectar sourced by the bees and how the beekeeper has harvested the honey. Time of the year impacts the flavor of honeys. Autumn honeys tend to be darkest and most full-bodied but crystalizes the most quickly. This is the time of year that it is most flavourful and has the most aphrodisiac properties. Buy a few different local honeys (honeys from the grocery store is often cut with other ingredients or pasteurized- killing the healthy enzymes). Blindfold your partner and pour some honey into a glass. Using a clean spoon have them taste the honey and describe the taste. You can kiss them and let them nibble a little green between honeys to cleanse their palates. Have them pick their favourite. Then you get to spread it on you and have them continue the tasting….

2. Send them text bombs or random questions. Make them into paper airplanes, leave them on the bathroom mirror or in their wallets. It’s a fun thing to do if you have some time and want to find something out about your partner you don’t know.
`What’s something you always wanted to do as a child but never got to do it?
`If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your new name and where would you go?
`If you could get away with a crime, would you? If yes, what would it be?
`Who was your first celebrity crush?
`What’s the worst thing you ever did as a child and what was your punishment?
`What is one thing you refuse to share?
`What are two things you would do if you woke up to find yourself completely invisible?
`If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
`If you could be on the cover of any magazine which one would you choose?
`What song would you sing for your American Idol audition?

3. Find the country fairs! Check out the homemade pies, look at the 4 H club livestock judging, go on a merry-go-round, and take in a local band. This is the time of year and there is one on every weekend.

4. Star gazing with foods you haven’t tried before. We like to try mystery fruits. Things like dragonfuit and lychee
and look up at the night sky. This is the best time of year to do this because there aren’t any bugs. You can also do a tailgate picnic in the evening and watch the sun set.

5. Take one of the couple’s cooking classes. Around here the Loblaw’s cooking schools or LCBO classes are fabulous. There is also one every Tuesday night at the Independent at Bank and Somerset where you get a $10 gift card for the $10 class. Loved their pizza making. Playing with dough was sexy.

6. Make a drive-in movie. Lots of people have those projectors that show off computer screens. It can project easily to the side of your house or even a sheet on the wall. But the fun is doing it outside. Run a “drive-in type movie”. Think Indiana Jones, Grease, or The Martian. Sit in the car and make out during it. There is a reason why drive-in’s never go out of style.

Why a New Year’s Mission Statement is so much more effective than resolutions.

I don’t make my own lists of New Year’s resolutions. It’s not that I don’t think they’re relevant — I do, actually. As they say in baseball, “You can’t hit what you can’t see.” Goals are critical. I follow the Warren Buffet school of thought: Set a small number of goals, then focus.

But when you’re one-half of a couple, the targets change. For the last five years I’ve been setting my goals together with my husband — a kind of relationship ‘mission statement’. When you’re in a life partnership with someone you love, I think you need to agree on the big things together.
Not all goals can be shared, of course. (He’s got a healthy eating plan; so do I. But he has a problem with Pop Tarts. I don’t.) But if you want to maintain harmony in the relationship, you need to discuss goals and agree on them together. Maybe you want to start a new business venture, one that would involve a large time commitment. That’s a sacrifice you’re sharing with your partner and family, so the need to be on the same page with them should be obvious. But few couples set out common goals.

In our case, the mission statement is more than just goals or targets. It’s a road map for living together — a statement of shared philosophies and values. I would say that outlining our relationship ‘rules of engagement’ has been one of the single most effective things we’ve done to cement our relationship. (And given the amount of time we spend planning sexy date nights and adventure weekends, that’s saying something.)
Right now we’re on mission statement version 4.0; it’s pasted on the back of our office door. Our mission statements have included things like “stop apologizing for who we are”, “make new friends” and “don’t babysit other adults”. They definitely include a commitment to putting the relationship first — to putting a higher value on home and family than on increased work obligations. We’ve committed to a better quality of ‘quality time’, to date nights, to splitting up the household labour equally. Little things, all of them — but it’s the little things that count in love.

Mr. Buffett and the business school grads would say that our lists don’t follow the classic business format of goal setting, and they’d be right. But that’s the point — these are our values, the things that matter to us.
As a therapist, I often see couples who are drifting apart because they’re losing the interests they once had in common, the things that brought them together in the first place. Setting goals as a couple helps prevent the drift I see as a therapist in couples who have less and less interests in common. The most common reasons for divorce usually surprises most couples. It’s not money problems, extended families or diminished sex or infidelity that are the most common reasons for separation. The most common reason cited to divorce lawyers is absenteeism. This means being either physically or emotionally missing in action. You connect to spend your life with someone, and if they are never there, then well… partners often find themselves looking for a soft place to land. Or they end up in my office on the raggedy edge.

It’s a universal truth that people support what they help to create. Focusing together on a plan that will keep you engaged and pulling in the same direction and defining your core values as a couple is essential. It’s one of the benchmarks I look for as a sign of a healthy relationship. We will be tracking our relationship this holiday. Give it a try. It may make for a great New Years.

New Top 5 surprising things you can do to keep your marriage magic.

Great relationships are a gift to everyone else around them. Magic, connected relationships, are what most married couples are hoping to achieve before we go kicking and screaming into the light. Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman come to mind as one such couple (okay, before he died). Conan O’Brien at this week’s White House correspondence dinner suggested that President and Michelle Obama’s marriage is one to emulate. Even old British rockers seem to make it work. Supermodel Iman says about her long time husband David Bowie “my heart still flutters when he walks in the room”.

So what’s the secret to these kind of relationships? According to the survey out this week in Psychology Today, many marriages simply deteriorate because couples allow their relationships to run on ‘autopilot.” Things get stale, but partners somehow expect expect them to stay healthy and exciting without doing the work to keep them that way..
Here are some of the top 5 things you can do to stay the course and have one of those magic marriages.

Sell yourself and your partner on the relationship.
With very few exceptions, we human beings tend to base our sense of self-worth on the things that are most important to us. It’s common to hear people proudly say, “I’m a manager,” or, “I have a really cool car”. But how often do you hear, “I have the world’s greatest partner? Use your words and tell your partner they mean everything to you.

Communicate with three things:
Eye contact, touch and words of love. Ottawa Psychologist Dr. Martin Rovers says these are the most important things we can do with our partners. They emulate our first memories (parents) who give us eye contact, a loving touch, and tell us they love us.

Be clear about how your partner feels love.
It’s the Love Languages message meaning that some people feel love in a different way that you do. I have a friend who needs a hug to feel love, another who lives for the notes her husband puts in her lunch and I desperately need to be told those three little words in order to feel it.

You can’t fix anyone else.
“The more time you spend trying to change your spouse, the less time you have for improving yourself,”. And as I tell my patients, ” I can’t even manage the fish”. You can’t change anyone else, DO NOT think you can. You can only work on yourself. And its time to work.

Date Nights. It’s time to take your sweetie on a date.
When you’re newly in love and in full courtship mode, you do everything you can to spend every free moment with your partner. Eventually though, work, kids, responsibilities, and life in general tend to get in the way of your relationship with your spouse. The two of you stop doing fun things with only one another, and it’s easy to go weeks at a time without having any serious conversations that don’t revolve around work, money, or kids. That’s why it’s imperative to set aside time to date your spouse. Especially date nights. I have a list of 50 sensuous activities to do on a romantic night. Find them on this site and start implementing one a week.

Why women want sex on the beach….. or When in Rome.

Have you ever had sex on a beach?
No, I’m not talking about the cocktail with orange juice and vodka. I’m talking about sand in your bathing suit and fish nibbling on your toes kind of sex. Think of the “From Here to Eternity” scene where the couple is making out, rolling around in the surf and dream about how hot and exciting that looked. Many women associate the shore with spontaneity and vacation memories. The smell of salt, coconut tanning lotion are often triggers to some of our earliest sensuous feelings and are one of the top reasons that beaches are primary travel destinations for women.
So what is it about frolicking in unusual places that seems so enticing? When I speak to women about the best sex of their lives they invariably talk about parking, picnic blankets, or any place outside of the bedroom as their most memorable romps. They also talk to me about long, extended bouts of foreplay and the anticipation and excitement of the situation- rather than the actual deed. Men alternatively, seem to prefer interesting positions and extra long duration as their best sex. For guys, first time (new) partners or crazy new positions are the hottest. That along with spontaneous sex is the basis of most male oriented erotica. But women seem to like to experience sex al fresco. An unusual location allows women “to be carried away by the moment”. Women describe to me that the best sex is where they were able to be truly uninhibited. You aren’t likely to run into your neighbors on holidays, so vacationers are less concerned about knowing someone who might interfere with their day to day lives. The fear of getting caught appeals to some people’s exhibitionist tendencies, while knowing that “what goes on, on vacation, stays on vacation helps to relieve apprehension about being frisky.”
I have one colleague who describes herself as “Clark Kent while at home” and who only wants to travel to adult only vacation resorts where she lets out her wild self with her husband. She claims her “holiday alter ego” keeps her sane and connected through the rest of the year.
It turns out that many Canadian women have a fantasy about beach sex. In a new Ipsos Reid survey done for, 43% of women admitted that they had sex outside of their hotel room while on holidays. These women fantasized about sauna sex, hammock sex, public bathroom sex, and just about other private and romantic spot you can think of while on holiday. When I spoke to a number of women at a women’s conference recently, they told me that finding a private, tropical location for intimacy seems hugely romantic. Feeling the breeze on your skin, the sand between your toes—stimuli are very sensual and lends itself well to wild passionate love making. Many women want to be that fun and saucy partner, but clearing your head for sex takes time. It’s hard to do amongst the laundry, work, dishes and homework that make up most women’s day to day lives. One of my patients said “I have to work hard not to think about the grocery list or other mental distractions when getting in the mood. I think everyone needs sexual adventures in their lives. It keeps your sex life fresh, your adrenaline kicking in, and it gives you something to daydream about during those dreary February days sitting at your desk. One of the boot camp activities I do with couples involves “out of your comfort zone” adrenaline encouraging activities. This is everything from salsa dancing to white water rafting. The military uses adrenaline producing activities to bond “a band of brothers”. The same thing can happen during heart-pumping holiday sex. And according to the Ipsos Reid poll, at least 10% of the 1000 women surveyed had sex on a boat or in the hot tub.
I often ask my sex therapy patients how much sex they have on holidays. It’s a great barometer of the health of a couple’s sex life. If you have no outside stress, and your only decision of the day is a Mojito or Margarita, how easy is it to re-kindle some of that waning passion? Given that I think everyone needs sensual adventures, a great romantic holiday is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. It can certainly help your sex life.
And in keeping with the survey results, if you can sneak out for some discreet shagging outside of the hotel room then the vacation ranks up there with the best sex of your life.

4 tips to keep your relationship hot by dealing with your emotional baggage

Everyone comes into a relationship with sensitivities from a previous relationship. Even if it is your first great love you may have dealt with tempers, substance abuse, parental infidelities that impact yor current relationship.

The key to keeping it hot going forward is to own your past and not to let it get the best of you going forward.

1. You have an ex with a bad temper.
This means you are skittish about conflict. Realize conflict happens in all relationships. It’s about how you fight- not that you fight. You need to stop it before it gets ugly or anyone says something you don’t want to say. But you also have to understand that running away or pulling back at the first sign of frustration also doesn’t work. I remind my patients of the adage “the calmest person in the room always wins”.

2. Your previous partner cheated.
This means you are going to be distrustful and look into anything that might not seem kosher overly closely. Declare this upfront. And mention that ambivelant of wishy-washy information will cause your antennae to come up. Even if they are completely innocent.

3. Your ex made negatiove comments about how you looked.
Remind yourself that person was a dweeb. Usually it was because they are insecure and needed to put you down in order to feel better. If you don’t have a guy that tells you that you are beautiful LEAVE. Hwever don’t be insecure with your new one always fishing for compliments. Do go to the gym, the spa and do things to look good. It’s important to feel good in you own skin. The opposite sex finds that sexier above all.

4. Your past relationships have hit the bottle too hard.
You have to understand your values in this department. In my books there is a zero tolerance for things like being impaired at work, or when you have to drive, or being responsible for kids. On the other hand drinking responsibly with friends is fine. You ahe to outloine your comfort level and remove yourself if you aren’t comfortable. Be relaistic and don’t project. But also know that substance abuse is a deal breaker in any relationship as the partner will be at the emotional age of a teenager.

Best sites and places to go for a quick hook up. Casual sex R us, more options than you may be aware of.

So you are just out of a relationship, are married with no sex at home, want some variety or are to busy for a relationship.  You don’t want complications, but would love to get your oil changed. Where do you go if you are simply looking for a quick hook up?

How does one go out finding a casual sex partner? As a sex therapist I try to be in the know. I talk to thousands of people (in my practice and on radio) all looking for options for what I call “inconsequential sex”.

This is beyond the three free sites that seem to be the most popular.,, andthe ever famous There used to be singles on kijiji (which ere very effective) and the is a free “lifestyle” (read swingers) site at  Other sites that seem to work are (if you are already in a relationship and want something on the side) or I was just reading about a new one for students called You have to show proof of enrollment (IE. student email address to be a member) but it offers clear suggestions for taking a break from studying…

“After signing up, students are can post listings to search for their ideal casual hookups — note that there is a section dedicated for those looking for something “platonic” or “serious” as well — and participate in a member-only live chat.”

If you are more adventurous, you can try any of the adult clubs in most of the major cities or either the groups or the site. Swing clubs are legal in Canada and very popular as small “house settings” in the US.  you are clean, attractive, not creepy or too aggressive your chances for hooking up on any given night seem strong.

My advice is be clear, and sell yourself as a friend (albeit with benefits). Your ad needs to be spectacular. I’ve written over 200 for patients and have been tracking the stats about what pulls. No nudity, a sense of humour, self deprecating language, well written (with a spell check), smiling photo for women (and mischievous one for men) and you should at least get the coffee date.

Good luck and I hope you get the summer of love you are seeking.

Happy Summer Solstice! Be naked outside at some point today.

Having spent a bunch of time in Europe I celebrated many of the traditional pagan days that we don’t acknowledge in North America. May Day, Bastille Day and most importantly June 21st, the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.  As a Canadian we have lots to celebrate with the sun. We have more than our share of long, cold months of winter, an like the beer commercial says “Canadian summers is the payback for long, Canadian winters”. So I love the idea of the summer solstice.

Today is the day when thousands gather at Stonehenge in the south of England. Druids, a pagan religious order dating back to Celtic Britain, believe Stonehenge was a center of spiritualism more than 2,000 years ago.  You had 3 months to make your food back then or you were dead. The long growing days were a great thing.

Having been in Europe I also have a more relaxed view of nudity. When you’ve been surrounded by hundreds of older babushkas wearing sensible shoes, a head scarf and nothing else you become a little less self conscious about your own body.

Today is when you soul dance naked under the full moon. It’s when you should feel the sun and wind on your body and watch the tree leaves dapple in the sun. I think everyone should practice naturism on the first day of summer. So I challenge you.

Find a topless beach,. quiet place in your backyard, private spot in the woods and commune with nature in your birthday suit. As the Cree elder I met at a recent talk said “make sure you share your sacred water on Mother Earth” (go pee outside).

Hey if we are all giving you permission… We’ve been looking heavenly for hundreds of thousands of years and celebrating this day. It may be genetic. At least you can tell your partner that when they catch you dancing naked today. I guarantee I’ll be doing it too.

Happy solstice.

New information on the G spot that will make your eyes roll back with pleasure.

I’ve been reading about the G spot since 1980 in High school when Dr. Beverley Whipple presented it to the Scientific Study of Sexuality. I have been researching it since I first saw a woman squirt a milk bag full of ejaculate at a sex conference in California. Wild, sensuous and I wanted to know more. I have been writing about G spot orgasms since 1991 when I did my first interview of women who “thought that there was something wrong with them because they produced so much fluid”. I later went on to have discussions with over 400 women as part of my syndicated radio show about how they experienced a G spot orgasm. It turned into Quivering Jello, my book about how EXACTLY you reach a squirting, vaginal orgasm. (go to and get my free 10 steps to orgasm download).  I have spent 20 years learning about the elusive, but magical G spot.

Anyway, a lot of new information has come out lately about how to improve the quality of your G spot orgasm. A couple of the new pulsing internal vibrators (like the one from Jimmy Jane) that will actually improve your vaginal muscle tone and increase the intensity of the contractions. Or the fact that the G spot is deep in the vaginal wall and if you are having trouble reaching it, press down just above the mons (the fleshy part covered in pubic hair at the top of your coochie) while you are bearing down vaginally.  Or that rhythmic pressure at bulging top of your vagina about an inch inside) will help you start to squirt. Or how good female ejaculation is to improving your health and decreasing your toxicity levels.

Find out more. If you’re a guy then less than 15% of men can consistently get a woman to reach a G spot orgasm. It’s the advance, graduate course in sex and your buddies won’t know what to do. If you’re a woman, then you are missing out on an incredible sensation and the ability to have your partner go “whoa that’s cool”. Have a read on the new G spot content. It will be worth it.

New things that can greatly impact your libido

I’ve been talking about issues with my libido patients for years. I’ve been warning about high blood pressure medication, anti-depressants, white sugar and flour, the birth control pill, and gastro problems as big culprits. But this week I’ve learned of two new studies that comment on cuases I hadn’t hear of.

The first is baldness (yup when your hair falls out)….

Last week it was reported that men who take the hair loss drug finasteride, also known as Propecia, can experience prolonged periods of low libido.

Dr Michael Irwig, assistant professor of medicine at George Washington University School of Medicine and Health Sciences, discovered that 94 per cent of men taking finasteride developed low sexual desire, 92 per cent suffered from erectile dysfunction and 69 per cent experienced difficulty with orgasm.

The study, to be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, is the first to show that symptoms persisted for at least three months in otherwise healthy men, even when they stopped taking the drug.

It’s thought the drug alters levels of important brain chemicals called neurotransmitters that affect mood and other bodily functions.
At one time I considered buying stock in the company that made these drugs (along with Rogain)…

The second is cold and flu medication. Huh you say?

Meanwhile a study by the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio found that antihistamines might lead to problems with ejaculation for men and hamper both men’s and women’s libido. The researchers suggested they might affect part of the nervous system connected with sexual arousal and orgasm. Those that contain diphenhydramine or pseudoephedrine not only affect your sex drive but can cause erectile dysfunction.

So if your libido is fragile you might look at a few things in your lifestyle as the cause. I can treat it in my practice. I immediately get people off the meds and onto large amounts of Omega 3, magnesium, a great quaity multi-vitamin, 5 HTP, chromium, zinc, and GAMA. That and increasing blood flow to their genitals and putting them on what I call “sexy foods” (dark chocolate and red wine top the list) and I see big improvements.

Plan B. When your fall back position is hooking up with the ex.

Have you seen the quote today by Elizabeth Hurley? She’s been hanging out with her ex of 13 years, the delectable Hugh Grant. They are learning to speak Italian together, as well as taking guitar and cooking lessons in a friendly competitive way. They are friends, buddies with anyone the other happens to be dating, and has made it public that he is her “fall back guy”.

I really understand that. I have always stayed good friends with my ex’s. I had one in the past who was Godfather to my kids and it was a given that “he would be my soft place to land” if anything happened in my marriage.
She claims word of them “back together” is preposterous.

I think there are a few things you can do to keep it friendly and happy between you and past partners.
1. Know that one person can’t give you everything you need and maybe your ex can fill part of the role,, even as buddies.
2. men will still want to sleep with you. That’s a given, but once they have had you the urgent curiosity diminishes.
3. Men need to be needed. I have a girlfriend that calls her contractor ex-husband when she needs something fixed. She feeds him as a payback.
4. I advise couples who are heading to separation to end a relationship before it gets ugly. Don’t hang on until there are no more good feelings left. Then you have the friendship down the line.
5. Having someone who knows you and your family (and still likes you!) is an asset. You need someone who can be a friend 20 years from now.

Grown ups realize that relationships ebb and flow. Sex you can get. Friends and warmth are rare. My partner and my ex husband go to hockey games, and we all have birthdays and holidays together. Think Bruce and Demi. I like to think that we are just a modern family. And ex’s are just part of that. By understanding that we all need community and someone we can hang out with, you may find the first guy not-so-bad after all.

As Liz says,
“If neither one of us finds lasting love, we are prepared to grow old together.
We’ve often said, if all else fails, we’ll end up living together like Darby and Joan.”

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