Category: Sex Education

What I learned from the Nation’s leading BDSM teacher about being a Dominatrix

I am 25 years as a Sex Therapist and I still take courses on sex. The latest workshop was a follow up with Midori on rope and the Art of Female Domination. I have been to three of Midoi’s classes previously on setting the scene and creating fantasies. Midori is a San Francisco BDSM teacher and author who talks about kink. She’s diminutive, entertaining, and a bit bad ass.

Her presentation on being a Femme Domme (although the main theories apply equally to men) had some great tips between loads of stories and her getting regularly off track.  There is no doubt she’s kinky. And her idea that you don’t have to be a great technician (whip with precision), or be so sure of yourself there is no doubt, you just have to tell and live your truth to be an outstanding dominate.

According to Midori, the best domination happens in the energy and electricity between dualities. Meaning hard/soft, warm/cold, little girl and sex siren. Being feminine and dominate at the same time. That theme comes up in any book on power, or in Robert Greene’s excellent coverage on Seduction.

Midori emphasizes working on your gaze, your touch and your voice. That’s what brings shivers to any submissive. She talks about softly pushing a sub with confidence. Like with burlesque there is no one style. It’s finding your particular style.

She brainstormed about different power female women and characters. She used history, myth, fiction, arts and entertainment to come up with a list of potential power women. Everyone like Cleopatra (ruler but dramatic), Mae West (come up and see me sometime), Barbarella/Jane Fonda – ice queen and elegant to illustrate styles. By finding someone you want to emulate (even if it’s Catwoman) you list the good and bad qualities and start thinking about your dominate style.

It takes some work and some thought. But it’s a quick way to identify who you are ans what you want as a potential dominate.

I’m looking forward to finding out my feminine dominant style.  Why don’t you try it too?

Why the combination of group and individual counseling often gets the best results

People with a private relationship or sexual issue are often terrified about the thought of going to a therapist. Even me, who makes my living making sure clients are safe, comfortable and supported. And I have cookies and tea. But add in group therapy and the terror can be palatable. As I remind clients (and my kids) “life begins at the edge of your comfort zone”.

Group work is often a very effective way of solving a specific therapy issue. I like to say “that the group becomes greater than the sum of it’s parts”. Workshops (even if you use a fake name and sit at the back of the room) allow you to hear or participate in a group discussion. And if it’s on a topic you are struggling with, hear that others are struggling as well. Listen to how other people are coping, or have improved things in their lives. For couples, groups can be magic for couples looking for guidance. I find the most effective treatments are the combination of individual and group counseling. Think of private groups like a class “where everyone has read the book”. Great discussion ensue. Your feelings are validated, and often you hear suggestions from others that can have an impact. Either way you aren’t alone.

I run something I call “School of Sex” monthly in a room that has pictures of the Queen on the wall. It’s for people who want to improve their sexual IQ and be better in bed. Often you weren’t pulled aside in High School and explained the nuances of being a good lover. And if you aren’t a reader how do you learn? Porn is unrealistic and actually harmful. Because real people in a sexual situation don’t stay hard effortlessly for over an hour, or climax when you touch their elbow in throes of ecstasy. Having seen a porn shoot, I remind my clients it’s acting not real life.

We use humour, great speakers, and really facilitate open dialogue. Someone will ask the question in your head. And if not, at the end of the workshop you can come up quietly and ask a question about “a friend”. We’ve done classes called “Oral Sex and Cheesecake”, Hand-jobs, G-Spots and Sangria, Boy bits (with a giant penis costume), Swinging Sundae (on the Lifestyle and swapping partners) and many more. They are a safe place for people to learn, explore, feel safe and get to hear what works for other random people from their community. For the oral sex talk recently we had lesbians, much older women, disabled women among others talk about the kind of oral sex they liked. The men were at the edge of their seats. It was particularly helpful for individuals who come from cultures where sex is taboo.

Understand that most people want to be better in bed. Yes counseling can help. But in combination with group work the change is more rapid and effective. School’s in session.

School of Sex! The Penis. How to pleasure it, make it bigger, last longer, pleasure it, and keep it healthy!

Sunday, February 19, 2017
2:00 PM to 4:30 PM
The Rosemount Orange Hall
41 Rosemount Ave, Hintonburg, Ottawa, ON

Although she comes first (we did the girl bits School of Sex last month in January 2017), he gets to come next. It’s time for the penis presentation. The next in the School of Sex series is all about the most protruding of male parts.

For men, find out what’s new for your junk. If you are a guy feel free to sit anonymously at the back of the room and stay current about your equipment. This is your chance to find out about how to last longer, stay harder, what actually increases it’s size (and what doesn’t), what toys, tips, and tools help and which ones just take your money. We will have educated male speakers talking about getting the most from your dick. And for those of us who want to touch (play, enjoy, caress etc) penises, learn the skills that will have his eyes roll back in his head. There will be frenulum and testicle touching suggestions, external tricks like “the double-handed backhand”, and the escalator among others that will seriously up your game.

Like all School of Sex events, this is an open event so everyone is welcome. Bring a friend and find out all about the Ducklings and our School of Sex series. We want to up the skill set in the Nation’s Capital so we become the sexiest capital – not the stuffiest. This is not your parents (or your kids) sex ed class. Discounts for the next six School of Sexes and therapy receipts are also available. Find out more and sign up!

You can pay at the door but there are maximums that the room holds so purchasing in advance is strongly encouraged.

$30 per person. Pay in advance to hold your spot.

Talking to your kids about sex- And sex in Ontario, everything you want to know

Ed I did another speaking engagement at Boomerang Kids (a cool kid chain) about "Talking to your kids about sex".  I am always amazed at the response. Parents live in fear that they are going to scar thier kids by either speaking/or not speaking to their kids about sex. Lots of parents of 6 year olds wondering how to introduce the "penis in the vagina thing" I've attached my list of stages for parnets as to when is the best time to tell them what. But in the meantime, here is my response to the proposed (and then withdrawn) sex ed curriculum for the Province of Ontario.

When I first started as a sex educator in 1992 in schools in Eastern Ontario, I had questions like” How do I know if I’m in love”, and “does losing your virginity hurt?”  It has been at least ten years since sex questions were that innocent. Lately at school presentations I get inquires like “how do you give the best oral sex” and “what’s a money shot?”

We haven’t had a change to the sex education program in Ontario since the Mike Harris government tweaked it in 1997. Since that time roughly the same number of teens are getting pregnant per year and the age of first sexual encounters hasn’t moved. As well, ill prepared gym teachers continue to stammer through another set after set of what I call “these are your fallopian tubes” lectures in grade 9.

Last week we had the Dalton McGuinty Liberals trying to update a pre-internet sexual health curriculum. The Premier himself was quoted as saying “why wouldn’t we recognize we live in an information age and why wouldn’t we try to present this info in a thoughtful, responsible, and open way?”

At the time I thought it was long over due and proactive of him. Now I think he was easily manipulated by special interest groups. Good job by the lobbyists to confuse the issue for parents. Instead of what was proposed: a curriculum that gave age appropriate sexuality information (such as body part names, what are good touches and bad touches, and how babies are born), parents were scaremongered into thinking that grade one students would get anal sex information. The truth is that the proposed curriculum changes covered everything from what is a healthy lifestyle to fitness, drug and substance abuse and sexual health. This information was targeted specifically to each grade level, and included a section on masturbation and sexual orientation which is vital information as kids explore their bodies and feelings in a complex world.

Because of changes to our diet and environment, including increased estrogens from plastics, hormones in dairy and social conditions such as blended families, kids are hitting puberty earlier than ever. You have children dealing with daily sexual images, increasing peer pressure, and their changing bodies about the time they are learning how to multiply 4 times 3.

Do you remember what it felt like to hit puberty? The reality is that kids are programmed to be sexual. Some are going to be sexual sooner rather than later. As a parent I hope my kids are going to be late bloomers. But if they are not, I want them to have the facts to make informed decisions about what is the right time and situation for them. Just like “driver education does not cause accidents”, sex education does not cause pregnancies or promiscuity. The more education, the more likely kids will be sexually responsible. Every study done in the last twenty years has confirmed this fact.

I believe it is worth noting that in a perfect world it is parents that teach kids about their sexuality and impart their own values. However the 2009 survey of 1200 teens in Toronto said that “teens are mainly getting sexual information from friends”. When I ask teens directly where they got their sex education, less than 10% tell me that their parents were their source for sexuality information.

I spend my day trying to help people interpret their sexuality without feeling like there is something wrong with them.  With a generation of young people learning about sex from well endowed internet porn stars, and siliconed young starlets in compromising situations, I can’t help feeling that we are setting up our kids to feel inadequate and be badly misinformed.




The uban dictionary. How to understand the acronyms sex trade workers use to advertise their services,

The grocery in my neighbourhood always gives you you the local tabloid free if you are shopping on Sundays. Blaik reads it for the hockey scores, and one of us will end up reading the hooker ads in the back pages aloud for entertainment. Sometimes the marketing in the sex trade business is really clever. Anyway, one of the professional girls in my city ( had all these acronyms about the kinds of services she offered. A few I knew, and the rest I had to look up in the urban dictionary. The is a great source if you happen to be unclear about sexual comments, and want to be in the know without having to look dumb by asking.  It was quite informative. Just for fun, I have written the acronyms below and instead of doing suduko today, try coming up with the sex slang meanings as an option for brain gymnastics.

Oh, and Miss Vivianna's regular rate is $300 an hour, which goes up to $7,000 for a weekend (in case you were curious about the going rate). All this at age 20 without an education.

She offers the following services (see if you can guess the meanings):

GFE, PSE, bbbjtc, cbj, daty, dfk, msog, russian, pearls, and digits among other things.

Did you guess?

GFE is the "girlfriend experience", where she acts like she may really be into you. PSE is defined by as "porn star experience". Think multiple positions, long nails, lots of over the top moaning. bbbjtc is "bare back blow job to completion". Bare back means no condoms are used. I'm sure you get what "to completeion means". cbj is a covered (latex included) blow job. daty means "dining at the Y". Apparently that is an old expression meaning cunnilingus (that one I had to look up). dfk means "deep french kissing". msog (had me laughing out loud as I heard the sports commentator say the phrase during the Olympic hockey game), means "multiple shots on goal". More than one ejaculation….russian as defined by the urban dictiionary as "sex in which a man places his penis between a woman's breasts and jerks himself off with them". pearls are another expression for "the money shot" or "pearl necklace" where a man ejaculates on the face or neck of the woman. Finally digits are "manual stimulation of the anus". Who knew?  You can tell your co-workers you were busy improving your vocabulary…