Category: Sexual Techniques- be better in bed!

The art and science of the standing blow job


I was asked this week about "what's new in oral sex". My blog yesterday on the trials of mouth bacteria may be something you aren't familiar with, as is Ian Kerner's thoughts on the standing blow job.  Apparently, having giving head to a standing participant will increase the blood flow and improve the rigidity of the erection. It was something I suggested to the expecting couples in a prenatal sex class I taught. Pregnant woman aren't supposed to lie flat on their backs as it constricts the blood flow to the uterus along the dorsal artery. Most women (pregnant or otherwise) find reaching orgasm lying flat on their backs harder than when they are propped up a bit.

So I thought with the summer of love upon us (where it is easy to find a rock to lean against) that Kerner's suggestion for standing oral sex might be welcome.

 Kerner, the author of He Comes Next, guys are claiming that the hottest new way to be paid lip service is while standing. "More blood rushes to the pelvic region while they're on their feet, resulting in a firmer erection and ultimately a much more intense orgasm," says Kerner.

Ready to blow your guy's mind? Have him stand upright with his feet staggered, near a chair, countertop, or door frame (he may need to grab on for support when his legs start quaking). Kneel in front of him using a pillow as a cushion. Then hold his penis in one hand and take him into your mouth, alternating between sucking and licking.

Once he starts shaking in ecstasy, form an O-ring with the thumb and forefinger of your free hand and place it firmly around the base of his penis above the testicles. "There are dorsal veins that run along either side of his shaft that pump blood into the penis," says Kerner. "Because he's standing, those veins are more engorged than usual. Applying pressure at the base creates a tourniquet-like effect, keeping more blood in his penis for a truly explosive orgasm." Bj2

A list of hot, sexy, erotic and fun things to do with and to your partner


Once upon a time, there were these two people hot for each other.  They couldn’t keep their hands to themselves when they were together. The sex was fantastic and they christened every flat surface in their mutual apartments.  They went parking, and walked hand and hand together and found themselves very much in love. After a reasonable amount of time, when these feelings grew even stronger, the two got married (or shacked up), and proceeded to build a life together.  They picked out china patterns started jobs, moved, left jobs and generally lived their lives. The sex got less frequent and after they had kids, it became even less frequent.  The passion they once felt for each other seemed liked a distant memory. When they did have sex, she often hid her stretch marks and he/she fantasized about someone from work.  The intimacy became routine, and the time they had together seemed to be squeezed in after a laundry list of chores, conflicting schedules, daily pressures and worries.  They thought longingly about the time when creative sex came easy.  They think about having sex with each other and stifle a yawn.  They wonder how it got to this stage, and don’t know how to kick start their romantic lives again…..


This isn’t a fantasy story, it’s an all too common scenario from happily married couples. They stay together but the sex becomes routine.


The most common question I get as a sex therapist, especially from women,  is how do I keep my bedroom life interesting, creative and put that zing back into my relationship.  If the thought of having sex with the same person for the next 40 years—the same body, the same way, with the same responses has most people running screaming out the door.  Think about it,  in-out, repeat if necessary sex can quickly slip into routine and even downright boring without a little adventure and passion.  These tips are all about the latest, information in sex research, new techniques you may not have heard about, and suggestions for keeping your sex life from slipping into the ho hum, “Do we really have to, I have a headache” behavior.   Making it hot… you know the way it reads in those Harlequin Romances that tons of women read when you think no one’s looking.  You know the scenario, “Dirk thrust his manly hand under veronica’s petticoat, feeling her ample boosums heaving….”  The kind of romances that your Grandmother used to leave at the cottage.  This book will outline how you can have an all grown up romance or affair with your significant other.  Hell, sex is adult play, and if you can’t play act with the one that’s seen you up close and personal, then who can you play with???




“When I got to the door, he stood there smiling. His hair was still wet from the shower he had taken before he left. I jumped up to give him a hug and as he squeezed me so tightly I could smell the clean scent of his body. I wanted so much to be with him.


We went up to our room and fell onto my bed. He lie there on top of me and kissed me so softy and gently. His hand on my face reassured me of his affection and that everything was okay. After a few minutes of making out I rolled over on top of him, still joint at the mouth, and slowly slid my hand down his stomach and into his pants. I could tell he got excited because I felt him stop and smile for a second, and then kissed me with more aggression and enthusiasm. His breathing started to speed up as I firmly grasped his penis…..”


Do you remember those sensations?  When you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself?  Well when I ask my sex therapy patients about the best sex they’ve ever had in their lives they talk to me about High School. When you could do everything else but intercourse.  The touching, heavy petting, foreplay, oral sex, teeth grinding sexual frustration, hickeys, and incredible heat that made your body vibrate in anticipation… You remember, there is nothing more exciting than a new relationship, and we all can’t compete with Brad and Angelina kind of heat, we can kick start our own love affair.



This list is the primer, everything I can find on keeping it hot, (and it is constantly being updated) keeping your relationship together, and learning about all the new play things


If sex is the second most powerful drive in the human body after food, and if most of either are having sex or want to be having sex, how come we have such bad, boring sex?  Or how do we have so many hang ups about what is a natural urge that is part of everyone’s lives.  This book is the culmination of all that’s new, interesting and fun in sex information.  It’s the latest sex tips, the very best toys, and how they can be used to enhance your relationships, and cutting edge techniques that will leave your partner gasping for air, after reaching incredible sexual peaks.

It’s the best sex suggestions I could find, put together in quick easy ideas that won’t involve swinging from the chandelier and can be manageable, simple suggestions for improving your sex life.


I won’t promise that these tips will change your life, but I will say that if you leave it in the bathroom with a few pages highlighted, you may be surprised about how open your partner is to trying new things….


  1. Drive around naked. Find a place to go parking that is off the beaten path. In


    cars are considered private property, and you have the expectation of privacy if you are well away from other people in a secluded environment.


  1. Picnics and outdoor sex generally crank up the endorphins.


  1. Do it yourself bondage. By placing two hands in a pillow case behind your back and lying down, your own body weight safely and easily traps your hands for quick immobilization.


  1. Canadian Tire sex toys. Visit the house wares and get a “massager” that plugs into the wall. 110 volts makes the best sex toys. Drop sheets for rolling around in oil, practicing squirting, and playing with chocolate body paint.


  1. Venus Envy – great sex store for women and couples. They have great classes where you can learn everything from Japanese rope bondage, to make your own sex toys.


320 Lisgar Street





K2P 0E2

 - (613) 789-4646
1 review, directions, and more »


  1. Dollar store shopping.  Cheap paintbrushes for writing on your body in oil,  water based paints for getting really creative, water balloons (get wet inside and out), lightest sandpaper, and small LTD flashlights (for playing gynecologist).


  1. Douche bags to clean out vaginas (and separate ones for rectums…) With warm water, it helps clean out every orifice and makes the way clear for loads of oil and lube vagina play  and anal sex.


  1. Butterscotch instant pudding. Or chocolate, vanilla (or anything that tickles your fantasies…)


9. Breathless. A club downtown on Lisgar above Venus Envy, this is where the kinky go to play.  Described as “Breathless is a community centre and private club that caters to alternative lifestyles such as BDSM, swinging, GLBTQ, goth, pagan, and many more. We are a sex-on-premises club and promote safe sex.”


They often have workshops, games nights and discussion groups. If you want to watch someone being whipped, or have thoughts of polyamoury (loving more than one person) this is the group for you.  Run by a dominate woman named Mistress Jenn, it is quite a place.


  1. Adventure camping – White water rafting, bungee jumping, anything that gets your adrenaline jumping will kick start things in the bedroom.


  1. Tea and ice cube- The combination of the hot and cold on your genitals can be quite the sensation.


  1. Clit piercing. The best in town is Future skin on Rideau. Well known for their safe practices, and experience, a clit piercing can help women who have trouble reaching orgasm climax.


  1. Nudist Clubs. You can spend a day at the adult only resort in5 km outside of Cassleman called East Haven for $25 a couple ($20 a single). Less than an hour outside of the city, they are open May to September, and have naked volleyball, dances, BBQ’s. You can also rent a very nice cabin for $85 a night. They have a hot tub, swimming pool, and is a great place just to test your limits in a safe way. Check out their site for directions


  1. The local couples, and adult clubs. Range from just a very sexy place to dance, to full on orgies on site. If you stay upstairs at both clubs, you can have a safe, sexy, super erotically charged evening without risking anything weird in your own relationship. The good news is that according to the Supreme Court of Canada, sex clubs are legal in


    , so they are really very safe. One is in


    (D & D, and the other B& B is off Hawthorne Dr in the east end) It’s $40 to be a member, and $40 per couple on every visit. Go see and


  1. Grocery store stuff – Anything from the typical whipped cream and cucumbers, to caramel sauce (for human sundae’s), jello (a very interesting internal sensation), and stimulation devices such as toothpicks (fun top play mad scientist going genital experiments, pizza wheels- you get the idea.


  1. Write your own sexual fantasy. There are a bunch of websites that help, but I just like taking any erotic story I like off the web, changing it up a bit, and leaving it in installments on your partner’s lunchbag or as suggestive messages on their voicemail.


  1. Games- Strip poker (so much better with friends), or sexy bingo that get you trying things you wouldn’t normally do. Sometimes if the game tells you, you might feel less inhibited than if you thought of then yourself.


  1. Fantasy clothes. Getting a tickle trunk and putting in all the Halloween costumes you have (buying them right after Halloween is a great idea), the Salvation army for sexy school girl and other cheap skanky clothes is fun. Then play the pirate wench, or the naughty nurse, the fireman or border patrol officer can be very sexy.




Tips 1.  Chocolate


Everyone knows that chocolate is one of the basic food groups, and is an essential part of most women’s diet.  It’s got that chemical in it that makes you feel like you’re in love, and the smell of melting chocolate has been proven (along with cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, baking bread and almond oil) to significantly increase the testosterone levels (this means the sex drive) in men.  Basically food smells turn guys on.


Here’s what you do:


Take some chocolate chips and melt them in the microwave on over a double boiler until soft.  Add some cream, and a little bit of your favourite alcohol (my preference is Bailey’s) and stir until it makes a warm, sauce like consistency.


Get a cheap paint brush (handy at any dollar store) and proceed to draw pictures and write poems on your partners naked body.  Lick off, roll around in the chocolate sauce, use as a lubricant,  squeeze it on your partner and use as finger paint.  Generally get messy.


Variation: The quick, don’t have time version is to use Jello chocolate instant pudding.  Great for finger painting, but cold.  Especially great outdoors in the summer where you can clean up with the garden hose…




There are lots chocolate based sex products that come ready to use.  Everything from chocolate flavoured condoms (hey, even if you are monogamous and safe, it’s always fun to have a little chocolate latex, it doesn’t really taste as much as offer up an incredible smell of chocolate).  There is the Hot Stuff warming oils in a chocolate and chocolate mint and at least ten types of chocolate body paint in every flavour, (chocolate banana, orange, strawberry—you get the theme)



Fantasy script


Adding fantasy to the bedroom is a common way of taking sex to the next level and creating excitement in a safe way.  Men in particular like the role-playing and the feeling of being with “new” partner.  Evolutionary biologists talk about how men are wired to be attracted to newness of sex, and by pretending to be a new partner – wigs, blindfolds, behaving in a different way can seriously reve up the passion in any relationship.  Keeping it hot, or how can we keep our sex life from falling into a routine to where it’s almost boring, is one of the most frequent questions I get when speaking to groups- especially women’s groups. Realizing that men and women process sex information differently and knowing how to get the reaction you are hoping for from your partner is important if you are nervous about how to bring it up in your relationship.



  Here’s what to do:

Women want the story – historical romance fantasy say enacting a Victorian prostitute and policeman scene which is enormously popular with women, while men are visual and like see the props, like lingerie or costumes.   While surveys say that the most common male fantasy is sex with two or more women at the same time, men’s second most favourite fantasy involves being passive and taken advantaged of by the nurse, school teacher, or dominant women executive.  This is great because most women also like being the boss and bringing their partner to their knees.  Women’s other favourite fantasy involves being taken, and swept away in the passion of the moment.


Try writing down you’re your fantasies and swaping them during the day, or sending them as an e-mail or voicemail, reading erotic literature to each other, play strip poker that has sharing your fantasies as a requirement – anything to start communicating about the sex scenes playing in your head. One of the big differences between men and women’s sexuality is in the speed in which they get aroused.  Men tend to react quickly, especially around newness. A new partner, hope of new partner, new smell etc.  Hell, men’s testicles can break speed records moving up inside their chest cavity when they hit cold water.  Although it slows down  as men get older, the ability to get a quick erection instantly when aroused,  means they are able to take advantage of any waiting orfice.


Evolutionary biologists talk about this opportunity to quickly jump on any willing (and sometimes unwilling) partner is a leftover of our not-too-distant past where men’s biological job was to inseminate as many women as possible.  This means we come by the rape, and pillage honestly by some randy ancestor.  As I point out on my radio show, we are only 1000 generations from being in a cave somewhere and anytime you think you aren’t ruled by your biology, think again.


Anal sex, why it may be coming to a bum near you.

BoodyI was happened to be doing a google keyword search about which sex terms were the most popular, and I was astounded to see the number of searches of individuals looking for clear information about giving and receiving anal sex. It made me wonder if the numbers of North American's putting part A into tightly compacted slot B was on the upthrust? 🙂

According to my friend Cory Silverberg from Come as You Are, in Toronto  the numbers are that approximately 25% of heterosexual
adults in the US have engaged in anal sex at least once. And the Anal sex YES site estimates that between 5% and 10% engage in the activity regularly, and cites a survey indicating that 6% of women and 8% of men engage in anal sex at least once a month.  These numbers seem to be consistent with the most current stats out of the 2002 National survey of Family Growth suggested that 34 percent of men, and 30 percent of women had tried it ( at least once) in their (or their partner's) rear.   

Based on my callers and anecdotal discussions with lots of radio guests I would have guessed about 30% of people use it as a regular part of their bedroom play. I learned everything I tell my listeners about anal sex from a great interview I did in the early 90's with Nina Hartley (during her porn star days. An interview I regularly regret not keeping). She talks of how to avoid hemorrhoids, making sure the receiving party gets a diet rich in fiber, and using a water enema to keep your colon clean before the big plunge.  However try finding an enema bag in any modern drug store that isn't medicated and disposable is almost an impossibility. Lastly, she uses lots and lots and extra lots of a good silicone lube as the anus isn't much of a source of fluid. SGiven the numbers of internet browsers looking for more than just the dirty pictures, I'll see if I can troubleshoot an anal beginners checklist for anyone thinking they may want to join the revolution and increase the participation up from 30%.

Self or Auto Fellatio – or is your flexibility an amazing gift

Autofellatio As a sex therapist, you never know what’s may be walking into your office next. I’ve seen every kind of costume, and thought I had treated most problems, fetishes, and addictions in my fifteen years in private practice and handling radio calls. Last week’s guy had a difficulty that I had never seen before. A fit guy, who, with the gift of double jointed hips, and an extremely well endowed penis, and he could take his own penis into his mouth. I guess it’s like women who can climax just by having their nipples pulled. There is always someone to be jealous of.

A problem you must be thinking? What problem?  I thought that too, except between a sexually active partner, and his personal party trick, this guy wasn’t getting any work done. He would rather stay home. He wanted to know if five times a day, and ingesting his own semen would cause long term problems.  I swear I couldn’t make this stuff up, and some days my job includes serious conversations about how much self fellatio is too much. It’s like that old joke…"why does a dog lick himself?" Because he can… In humans it’s less than 1% of guys who have the magic combination, and the rest of us who just wish we could.

The joy of dextrous, wiggly fingers

Hands I was asked at a sex workshop amongst a bunch of other sex educators to name the three sexual things that you most prefer. It was surprising the variance in the answers. For me, along with intercourse, my favourite activity involves great, deep, hard fingers on my gspot. (The third favourite I’ll keep to myself for the time being.)

There’s a definite art to fingering a vagina (not getting scraped with dirty, ragged fingernails – ugh), but done right can give me an orgasm like nothing else. I can reach a gspot orgasm from penetration, but during my research into my book Quivering Jello: How to have mind-blowing, toe-curling orgasms, the prying, penetrative fingers are what are needed for many women to start the flood of fluid.

Having a partner that knows, likes, and is adept at finding your special spot means you can orgasm and be sexual spontaneously and easily. Playing with you over a period of time, can stimulate your Gspot to a level of arousal that causes those oh-so-pleasurable vaginal contractions.  And given the vagina is the source of most of your lubrication, you don’t have to worry your clitoris is dry or the friction on the clitoral shaft is too intense. And as long as you are quiet and wearing a short skirt, adventures can happen anytime you are near your partner. Fingers1Smile. So “feeling the love”, takes on a whole new meaning.





No matter how good you are in the sack, or how much you know…

Techniques Everybody’s different. I was reminded of that again this week. As the "expert" I think I have more than a basic understanding of bodies and how they work, but even though we all seemingly have similar parts, (a few wayward hermaphrodites excepted), partners can respond uniquely depending on the person, time of month, or type of stimulation. One size sure as Hell doesn’t fit all. You try what may have worked on the previous number of partners, and now with a new person, and all your honed skills aren’t worth anything as the new partner is left cold and wants a stronger, faster, deeper, lighter or altogether different sexual approach. It’s like comparing apples and paw paw fruits. That is the challenge of teaching something as personal as G spot stimulation. What works for me, may be completely different to what seemingly works on some of my friends. If men sat around and expanded on their sexual knowledge by talking to each other, their skills would improve, but it’s only by paying attention, and really being observant to your partner’s cues, can you tailor a good grounding in sexual knowledge to out of body sexual pleasure for your specific lover.  So despite a conversation I had about how incredibly hot new, casual, immediate sex can be, I firmly believe that sex really does get better with time. And being humble enough to know that a wealth of sexual experience doesn’t mean you should be "cock of the walk", because what worked before may leave your current partner bored or frustrated. So we press on fellow sex pioneers, amateur gynecologists, and other interested parties looking for new ways to drive our partners absolutely wild.  New

The etiquette of blow jobs

Mouth3 Blow jobs…. Not the topic of conversation at most dinner parties, (except maybe some of the dinner parties I’ve been invited to recently…). I was thinking today about the etiquette of “being in a social situation with something in your mouth….”

I was reading Nicole Beland (one of the sex journalists at Men’s Health mag), when she spoke of how her significant other was “taking sips of his beer”, while, as she so delicately put it,  “had her line of vision blocked”.

She goes onto say that as far as she’s concerned the only thing the receiver should be doing during a blow job is “rubbing your head, moaning, or saying your name out loud.” In my books, telling you are a Goddess works too.

I would go one step further. I too think watching the game, pushing down on the back of the head, and drinking beer or scarfing down pizza are all unacceptable, but I for one really appreciate feedback during the process. Comments like “harder, faster, don’t stop, just like that, oh thank you,” and the aforementioned goddess thing all help when you are hard at work.  Gentle hand gestures also work if you are too tongue-tied at the moment to manage speech, but it reminded me that really good sex is about communication.  As much as you can offer. Otherwise you are diminishing your own pleasure, and the pleasure your partner gets from your unbridled sensual delight.

Communication during oral sex is not just about a really great blow job, but is an example of how hard it is for most people to relax with their partner, ask for what they truly need, without taking them for granted. A hard line to walk, but it is this subtlety that makes good sex really elegant in my opinion. And it all but guarantees that you are going to get more of it.  And that, may be a public service, because the world has to be a better place if more people are getting more oral sex. Smile.Mouth2






Another conversation about blowjobs

I sometimes wonder if anyone else has these surreal conversations. I assume they do, as I think of myself as an ordinary girl with a cool job, and a mind that’s just open to possibilities. It just opens to sex more often than not.

Here’s the scenario:

I’m standing around watching a kids football game today, having a Cleaver moment as we cheered, ate apples, and watched the smalled kids jump in the leaves. And encouraged the kids to tackle their opponents.

A conversation was struck with a much younger Mother about football bleachers and what you could do under them. I didn’t know her well, but she had grown up listening to me on radio, and felt safe telling me about her experiences playing deep throat left of the 50 yard line as a teenager.  It was a light, but very open conversation on the sidelines.  Truth about how much women really do talk about sex. Anywhere and everywhere, at least to me. She spoke of something called her "Mad slut personality", and how sucking cock made her feel important when she was in High School. She said she missed the power.  Talk about really bringing someone to his knees.

So I went home thinking about the benefits of giving oral sex.  For teenagers, it’s not a bad deal. Anybody having who’ll have sex with a teenaged boy is a gift from God.  Benefits of giving head could be summed up as;  little face to face contact, no pain or intrusion of intercourse, no possibilities of pregnancy (despite the rumours), little chance of diseases, and the status of a hot babe if you are so generous in your favours. Not that I’m suggesting you run out and try this behind the bleechers, (unless you want to re-live your mis-spent youth, and have a good chance of not being caught),  but like a stand up comic I heard recently said if you occasionally partake.  "You are part of the solution, you’ve made the world a better place, and no one ever complained about being stressed out because they were getting too many blowjobs." 

oh, and the joke I heard about it. "Don’t blink, I heard it stings."  Think about it.Football

Head’s up

Camping You know women talk about sex. A lot. Well I was camping this week (bug bites, frogs, snakes, countless fish, and burnt marshmallows), and sitting around the campfire the conversation naturally headed south. The kind of conversation you can only have with a girlfriend under the stars where we discussed giving the perfect blow job. I know men hope we have these conversations (along with the fantasy of prancing around in baby-doll pj’s), but this one was refreshingly honest.

I think giving oral sex is one of the most intimate things you can possibly do with someone. I think there is something trusting about having the most vulnerable part of his body in the most dangerous part of yours. The power of it all. Bringing your partner to orgasms orally can make you feel powerful.  At least that’s what came out of the conversation between poking the firewood.

I have another friend who really doesn’t like to give oral.  She remembers calling down the street at her bachelorette party "no more head, I’m going to be wed". She does it rarely, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why it is such a big deal. Quid pro quo, and buddy you better anty up, but how can you possibly know your partner if you haven’t smelt, tasted, touched, and provoked those intimate parts? As unique as fingerprints, the sexual response is where the rubber meets the road, where you are truly vulnerable and show what you’re made of. I think sex is close to the bone, it’s what makes it so powerful, and let’s face it, those bones are awfully fun to chew on.

So hungarian men use the most positions…

Sexyman2 So Men’s Health Magazine commissioned this survey of how men like to have sex.  Filipino guys apparently like to masturbaste most (5 times a week, instead of the usual 4).  No wonder your hot water bill is so high.  Canadian men are unremarkable (they used to be considered the most sensitive lovers, maybe there is an award for the most polite?).  Korean guys do it the most 4.5 times a week, instead of the usual 2.8 times.

Think about that. 4 and 1/2 boff (the occasional quickie).  Maybe they have a less hectic lifestyle.  Those British guys (who in practise are always the kinky ones), devote the most time to foreplay. Lie back and think of England or at least David Beckham…

Finally, it’s the Hugarian guys that are the acrobats.  Jumping around to as many as 8 positions a session (sounds exhausting), but if you were really looking for some attention, it would be the Hungarian and the Korean guys together that may be the most interesting.  Poder that twosome on your lunch break.