Plan B. When your fall back position is hooking up with the ex.
Have you seen the quote today by Elizabeth Hurley? She’s been hanging out with her ex of 13 years, the delectable Hugh Grant. They are learning to speak Italian together, as well as taking guitar and cooking lessons in a friendly competitive way. They are friends, buddies with anyone the other happens to be dating, and has made it public that he is her “fall back guy”.
I really understand that. I have always stayed good friends with my ex’s. I had one in the past who was Godfather to my kids and it was a given that “he would be my soft place to land” if anything happened in my marriage.
She claims word of them “back together” is preposterous.
I think there are a few things you can do to keep it friendly and happy between you and past partners.
1. Know that one person can’t give you everything you need and maybe your ex can fill part of the role,, even as buddies.
2. men will still want to sleep with you. That’s a given, but once they have had you the urgent curiosity diminishes.
3. Men need to be needed. I have a girlfriend that calls her contractor ex-husband when she needs something fixed. She feeds him as a payback.
4. I advise couples who are heading to separation to end a relationship before it gets ugly. Don’t hang on until there are no more good feelings left. Then you have the friendship down the line.
5. Having someone who knows you and your family (and still likes you!) is an asset. You need someone who can be a friend 20 years from now.
Grown ups realize that relationships ebb and flow. Sex you can get. Friends and warmth are rare. My partner and my ex husband go to hockey games, and we all have birthdays and holidays together. Think Bruce and Demi. I like to think that we are just a modern family. And ex’s are just part of that. By understanding that we all need community and someone we can hang out with, you may find the first guy not-so-bad after all.
As Liz says,
“If neither one of us finds lasting love, we are prepared to grow old together.
We’ve often said, if all else fails, we’ll end up living together like Darby and Joan.”