I call it the Sexiness factor. It’s that elusive quality that makes you seem hot and sexually attractive to your mate or potential mate. It’s that flirty look you give your partner under your lashes. Or how a partner with a 5 o’clock shadow can give you that lopsided grin and get your heart pounding. It’s that bounce in your step knowing that you want your lover and they want you too. Everyone wants to feels sexy. And everyone wants a sexy partner. You don’t have to be the youngest, the thinnest or the person with the ripped abs to be sexy. The sexiness factor is about making the most of what you have. It’s the confidence in knowing your appeal whatever age you are at. And then working it. If you’ve been sitting around too long in yoga pants or that ripped tank top you’ve had since high school then it may be time to sit up and take notice. You could be in a sexual rut. You may have lost that loving feeling. Or your partner may not find you as sexually appealing as they once did.
Why is this important, and particularly for the men I see in my practice? For starters, we are living in a society with a 52% divorce rate where infidelity and lack of sexual desire plays a part in more breakups than most care to admit. This may not be news for you, but most healthy adult men think about sex a lot. Between four and six times an hour for men according to the most recent University of Nevada study. They want a partner they find desirable and whom other men find desirable. Even with the same sex couples polled by the University of Chicago, sexy was one of the top 5 things most people consider essential in a partner.
On the off chance that you’ve been too complacent in taking your partner’s and your own sexiness factor for granted, it’s not too late to up your game. It’s easy to fall into the role of the “we’re intimate companions” as opposed to supporting the passion that was there at the start of your relationship. In the early days when first dating, individuals are attracted to mates who are confident, sexy, constructive and upbeat. The challenge is that the initial zing of the relationship diminishes. Any individual who tells you they have the same wow for each other in year nine as they did in week one after the wedding is simply lying. Indeed biochemically, it just doesn’t work that way. The first 9 to 12 months of that “in love” sensation wanes. But the attraction can remain if you make an effort to look and be sexy for your sweetie.
When couples initially meet and begin to fall head over heels in love, their bodies are flooded with a blend of chemicals that influence their cerebrum and hormones. This experience is widespread as writers have expounded on it and troubadours have sung about it for a great many years. Both men and ladies are defenseless to it as our faculties abandon us, and we are devoured by the object of our love. You look at people in love under an MRI and they look insane. It’s called lovesick for a reason. When we see the person of our desire, our palms sweat, we go powerless at the knees and butterflies show up from no place in our gut. A kiss or insignificant thought about our new found sweetheart lights our sexual reactions ablaze and we say bizarre, at times imbecilic things on the grounds that we are so transfixed.
So what happens? We don’t stay in this condition of uplifted desire for a long time. Over the long run, that bond between lovers changes and we don’t lose ourselves to unbridled longing each time we see them in a room. Commonality does not breed disdain in many relationships however it positively can breed a cooling of sparks between the sheets. Commonality likewise makes us feel more secure and more agreeable. But there is a drive for newness. If there is new flare in the bedroom (anything from a different technique to playing the French mistress), it is appealing and sexy.
As the passionate side of a relationship takes work and devotion, so does the sexual side. You have to stay occupied with craving your sweetie and having them long for you in return. This isn’t just about being physically sexy, although staying in shape helps. Aging happens to all of us. Sexual fascination is measured through effort, creativity and connection. Connection can happen with similar interests, doing things together and sensuous date nights. Try new things together. Be that couple who investigates the world and are energized by life while they embrace it together. Learn together, act as a team, appreciate one another’s personalities and organization, and your bodies will go with the same pattern. You stay attractive by changing and discovering all of life together, not simply remembering the time when you fell head over heels in love. Someone who talks about sex, is interested in sex, and makes a continual effort to improve sexually is an exciting partner. Despite being a sex therapist for close to 25 years, I am still learning new things new techniques and I find sex interesting. I tell women to work on their anti-prude factor. And work at not being a starfish. Starfish is the term used to describe women who lie back in bed and don’t make any effort to initiate, engage, or show their sexual interest while having sex. You can picture the shape. “Lie back and think of England kind of sex.” I keep hearing from my clients about the frustration of letting their sex lives sink into oblivion or obligatory sex. Couples in this state start to feel like brother and sister. Or friends that co-parent.
So what can you do specifically? I preach the mantra of date nights incessantly. Together with my husband we run a fun and sassy adventure group for couples (and singles) that share collective date nights and ideas. We call them the Ducklings and they are a great way to make friends and have idiot-proof date adventures. As a group we do things like tasting aphrodisiac foods, shooting each other in adult-only laser tag and brunch burlesque shows among other things. Find out more at www.sexwithsue.com/duckling-events.
With spring in the air make a commitment to up your sexiness factor. Maybe it’s time to invest in new lingerie this season, and increase your sexual nuances a little bit. I guarantee the payoff on your sexiness factor will put a smile on the face of your partner. And have you walking taller
