The stats says that over 90% of women have faked an orgasm at one point in our lives. Half of women doing it regularly. Seriously. So if 90% of us have done it the question is why and how can a partner know if the climax she’s just had is the real thing?
I had a patient yesterday who was in her early 50’s. She’s never had an orgasm in her life, shuts down and wants to get better in bed. What struck me was that she had no understanding of her own body. I think women can be as clueless as men when it comes to understanding their own bodies.
So women fake orgasms because:
1. They don’t want to hurt our feelings. The male ego is a fragile thing. And most women understand that. Although it slams the door on her own pleasure, women know that men fall in love with how they make them feel.
2. It’s hard to come. And the last thing you want is the apres sex grilling. Did you come? How about now? So rather than have a man keep pounding at her until she’s chafing, it’s just easier to pretend. The average woman dries up after 12-15 minutes. If you’re doing the marathon without lube then it feels like me banging my hand on the top of your penis. It feels okay for the first 10 minutes, and after that it hurts.
3. She is too inhibited and fears losing control
You know the type. Your face twists up like Whistler’s mother when you climax and good sex is sweaty, messy with lots of noises and fluids. If she’s hung up on what she looks like and can’t let go for some reason (sometimes past bad experiences play a role). This certainly is an issue for G spot orgasm. Women who hold on too tightly can’t press their vaginal wall down low enough for you to access the G Spot.
4. Worried. You know how that feels. Concern about STI’s, oh-my-God-please-don’t-let-me-get-pregnant, or that someone may come in and find you can hold back orgasms. Some women need the perfect space to relax enough to come.
5. Uncertain about how to reach orgasm.
Unlike men who have easy access to their penis, women are sometimes equally as perplexed as men when it comes to the female body. Men grow up masturbating at a young age. But many women don’t learn about masturbation until well into their 20s, and even then it’s a complicated situation. Between the G-spot, the clitoris, vibrators, fingers, and everything else that’s going on, women often don’t even know how to make themselves reach orgasm, much less tell someone else how to do it.
6. She’s not getting enough stimulation.
I tell men that vaginal sex feels like me playing with their testicles. The same sensation, the same nerve endings. The clit and the penis are exactly the same in terms of sensation. If she’s having intercourse without getting her clit played with, it feels good but there is no way she can come. And if she doesn’t feel safe enough to ask for a vibrator to use then it’s just a walk in the woods without getting to the other side.
So how do you know if she’s actually climaxed?
1. She may get a sex flush across the top of her breasts and belly. Anything from turning pink to what looks like a rash that suddenly appears.
2. Her vulva changes color. It goes from a light pink to a almost purple when there is enough blood flow for orgasm.
3.Internal contractions happen at regular intervals and are involuntary. Like a pulse for 30 seconds.
4. She pushes you away. Like when the stimulation continues after you come, sensation after climax can feel almost painful on the clit. If she doesn’t need a minute of something else to recover then I doubt she’s had a clitoral orgasm.
5. The gush. Even after menopause there is an increase in fluid with orgasm. It’s damn near impossible to fake wetness (unless she has a bottle of lube hidden that you can’t see). So a significant increase in wetness coupled with any of the other signs means you’ve hit it out of the park.
ps. If you are struggling with reaching orgasms I can help. Often in one visit. $125 for an hour and it’s less than most vibrators. 26 years of experience and one of North America’s top Therapists. Reach out!
