Why you should think about writing a contract for your sex life.
I’m a big believer in contracts. I think good paper makes good friends. I so firmly believe in this practice that I structure lots of interpersonal understandings and negotiate on paper. Renovating with my sweetie was a good example of this. Wen we agree to renovate a room in the house I think Martha Stewart wannabe, new furniture etc. He has a vision of a can of Canadian Tire paint and we are finished. So we contract it to manage both our expectations. I help write contacts for couples who want to try something usual in the bedroom. BDSM or tying your partner to the bedpost is a good example of this kind of agreement. That’s what I thought the brilliance was in 50 Shades of Grey. It sure wasn’t the writing. E.L. James the author put in a kinky contract reserved for edgy play agreements into a mainstream erotic novel that went out to women all over. I wish I had thought of it.
Contracts makes things clear between two parties.
I used to teach pre-marraige courses for the Anglican Church and I spoke often about the need for a written agreement to head off fights that happen between new couples. It was usually around the three most controversial issues for people just starting the live together. They are money, sex and housework. It was always surprising to me that modern guys had this belief that their wives would work all week and do most of the housework. Or that women felt that sex once a month for most healthy, adult men was adequate. Think of the dish schedule your mom used to put up in the kitchen. I really do believe that if you can write up something clearly about where you want this aspect of your life to go, it will encourage understanding.
It’s not just for interpersonal relationships that contracts are becoming in vogue. It’s all the rage now for workplaces to look at something called a love contract. It may seem a bit Big Brotherish, but it’s an issue. There are more and more relationships have been originating in the workplace. Sometimes when the relationship goes sour, the parties can cause some problems (harassment claims etc…) within the workplace. In an effort to prevent such problems without completely banning office relationships, employers are instituting Love Contracts. A workplace Love Contract often covers things like refraining from public displays of affection, one person will be moved to another department, and a notification to the supervisor when the relationship has ended etc…
But if you are having a difficulty being on the same page with your partner- especially when it comes to sexual adventures, you might want to consider a sex agreement. I’ve put a sample on below but they can really just offer clarity around an emotional topic. If you are having trouble, drop me a line and it’s usually a quick one-off counseling session to set things right. It may really help your relationship or give you a quick roadmap to the kind of hot sex you’ve been fantasizing about.
The goal is to have new sexual adventures that will enhance your relationship.
Any play will be mutually beneficial and will work on pleasing both partners. A close, connected relationship is the anticipated outcome.
We agree that play happens with both of us together so that it doesn’t make us twitchy.
The lifestyle/kinky sex is to be fun for both. However the primary relationship comes first. When there is discord, play becomes disconnecting. So daily 30 second hugs, and lots of communication is paramount.
Increased cuddling, and reassurance needs to happen after any play. A regular effort to increase cuddling, kissing and connection should happen all the time but especially after play.
Both partners have veto power. And all thoughts and opinions WILL be respected on the outcome.
Fights over kinky sex puts play on hold for a duration of 2 weeks.
There will be a sensuous date night for every lifestyle and or play activity that happens.
No sex is better than bad sex because it pushes interest in lifestyle play away.
The premise is that play enhances our relationship. The emphasis is on fun, friendship, laughter, connection, heat, intimacy, and community. Pressure and a lack of communication impacts this philosophy.
Safe words need to be established. Especially a word that requires an immediate check in for the both of you.
The lifestyle (like anything new sexually) is a moving target. Conditions may be added and removed as we progress down this road. Integrity, communication and togetherness are the underlying premises. We have discussed this at length and agree to these terms.
Signed _________________________________________ Date _______________________
Signed __________________________________________ Date _______________________