How to work with relationship deal breakers
What are relationship deal breakers?
I was polling a group of single Duckling women recently and asked them what they could and couldn’t live with in a potential partner. I had the usual answers like “no substance abusing”, “gainfully employed”, and “doesn’t live in his parent’s basement and talk into a pretend communicator”. But there were also more nebulous ones like “I need him to be sexually open and a little kinky”, “he can’t want to move in- I need my space”, and “I need him to have his own teeth and be able to get it up occasionally without duct tape and popsicle sticks.”
In a Psychology Today article (October 2015) they cited a poll from a singles dating site and the list included; Disheveled appearance, lazy, too needy, lacking a sense of humour, bad sex, too much tv or video games, blunt, doesn’t want kids, and low sex drive.
I think I would add to the list, poor oral hygiene, selfish in bed, no sense of humour and has that “smell of desperation” about them as disastrous in a dating situation. Even if they appear initially attractive.
There are many factors that lead to the creation of deal breakers. Some people are turned off by simple things like a walking style while other factors are complex such as double dealing.
You should ask yourself the following questions before dealing with problems so as to get an overview on what your deal breakers are.
1. What are the most common deal breakers for men?
• Health – some people are not hygienic and have bad smell and other suffer from STI’s.
• Dating behaviors – this involves being with multiple partners or pre-existing relationships.
• Negative personality traits – most avoid people who are untrustworthy, are abusive or uncaring. Men seem to have trouble with overt drama, meanness, lack of interest in sex, talking too much, and indecisiveness. As I tell women who are wondering what men want, they want a kind woman who looks good, who rolls with situations and who likes sex and is sexually open.
2. How can we deal with the relationship breakers when meeting a potential partner?
• Know what you want.
Most people know the deal breakers in advance while others don’t recognize them until they encounter the hurt. Know what you can’t tolerate, “set the bar” above this and settle for nothing less. Grow from the lessons leant from past experience.
• Understand expectations
Set your hopes high and go into a date with an open mind. Understand that nobody is perfect and there’s a difference between being impossible to please and being picky.
• Take time to know the other person first
Learn to acquaint yourself with the person before becoming romantic; it can save a lot of frustration.
• Talk to a therapist
When it comes to understanding what is important to you in a potential relationship have a look at why previous relationships haven’t worked? Are you clear about how you want to be treated? Can you teach partners how you want to be treated? Do you have a list of what’s important and your values when choosing a potential mate? If you are having trouble, or are constantly attracted to the wrong partner it may be time to get some help. I see lots of both men and women who are struggling to find love and keep hooking up with Mr. Bad Boy, or Ms. I-Hate-Sex. If you aren’t clear about what you are looking for and your absolute no-no’s then you may be destined to keep making the same relationship mistakes over and over. Send me a note (suem at rogers.com) and let’s talk about quick and effective therapy to get you matched.
Coping with deal breakers can be very frustrating but it is difficult to avoid them. Many people mesh while others don’t. As long as you stay cool, know what you want and be patient, you will finally get your match.
But what happens if some of these qualities are not initially apparent? Relationship deal breakers in existing relationships are things like being passive/aggressive, being dismissive of your feelings, or controlling your access to your friends and family. If you are in a relationship and the relationship isn’t working for you it may be time to ask yourself if any of the following list of qualities applies to your relationship.
• You are the only who is unhappy
• To make the relationship better, you work harder to make things work. You restrain your personality to avoid any conflict from arising.
• He/she hardly meets your needs while you meet theirs.
• You do away with all your friends just to make your partner happy
• Your partner cares less on how you feel and is not remorse about anything dealing with your needs.
• He/she never listens to whatever you say and sees you as a product of their fantasies. He/she finds it difficult to see you as your own person with feelings, thoughts and own motivations.
So if you have been unhappy in your relationship for longer than the last six months and if any of the above list resonates with you it may be time to really look at how well you are being treated in your relationship. Dealbreakers are just that. Things you can’t live with. The best thing to do is stop burying your head in the sand and address it or get out of it. What I do know is that partners who are behaving this way will not magically improve. It’s your life, and you need to teach people just how you want to be treated.